I was dating someone. He was the first guy I ever trusted like that. I told him from the beginning that I was a virgin. I told him I was scared. I told him I had shame and guilt around intimacy. I told him I wanted to wait. He said it was ok. He said he respected that and I believed him.
One day I went to his place. We had done other stuff before but never gone that far. I still did not want to have sex and thought that at his house we would do other stuff besides that. I still did not feel ready. But I did not know how to say it again without feeling like a problem. So I stayed quiet and tried to go along with it. I told him I was not wet. I told him I was scared. I told him it hurt. He kept trying anyway.
The pain was so bad that I started screaming. And he screamed back at me. He told me to shut up. The look on his face haunts me. He looked disgusted. Like my pain was ruining everything. Like I was nothing but a problem. My body froze and I could not move. I just laid there and I guess I let it happen but I was screaming in pain.
Eventually he stopped. He gave me my panties and told me it was ok. That we could just try again another time. He got up and left the room like nothing had just happened. I laid there alone in silence not knowing what had just happened to me. I still do not even know if he fully went in. Maybe just a little. I do not know if that counts. I do not know if I am still a virgin.
But I know what I felt. I felt fear. I felt pain. I felt broken. I felt like something had been taken from me.
And the worst part is I kept messaging him afterwards. I kept trying to stay in his life. I kept trying to fix it. Because I did not want that to be my only experience. I thought maybe if we kept talking it would stop hurting. That it would not feel like I was just used and left.
But he got colder. More distant. And now I am left with this confusion and shame and pain that I cannot escape. I do not even know what to call it. All I know is it changed me and I do not know how to come back from it. I also don’t know how to move forward from this because I still care about him since I think he was my first and he was the first person to ever see my body.
It has been like 5 months now and I still feel so dirty. I have been talking to a new guy but he wants to be more like a friends with benefits. He said that he will be patient with me and I feel like my body wants it but my mind is still filled with guilt regarding sex but this may help give me with my confidence or it may make me feel more damaged. I am not sure if this is the right step for me like I have a lot of guilt regarding sex but I just want to know how important body count is because if I were to do it with him it would be 2 and I wouldn’t have even considered a fwb if this thing didn’t happen to me. I always thought my first time would be special and I would either end up marrying the person or we would at least be together for a long time. I feel like I have never had sex before because my first experience was not fully proper. Anyways, should I give it a shot with this new guy?