My (39F) husband (47M) refused to help clean up after our party how to approach this?

41 comments

1. Just copy his behavior for some weeks (this is hard because it means your gonna live in a mess for a while) when he dousn’t want to do the dishes just anounse happily that you agree and join him with whatever he is doing. 

2. I would talk to him about it, and get his perspective on why he didn’t feel like helping. Not sure how good your communication is, but anytime something is bothering me or my wife, it is always down to a misunderstanding.

   It could be he felt he did more than you think he did, or it could be he was mentally exhausted and just wanted to go decompress (introvert kinda issue), or he could just be an asshole who is taking advantage of knowing you’ll do it.

   I would make your case, explain how you’re feeling about it while letting him provide his explanation. Then take it from there.

   ——-

   My wife tends to let stuff clutter up (one of her only real red flags), and while she does clean, it is often on her “I was just going to do it later” where I am more of a “Take the few minutes now so it’s done”. Sometimes I feel like I do more cleaning, but it isn’t always the case.

3. It’s a lack of respect really. He knows you’ll break down and do it, so he waits it out. So my suggestion is to stop doing the chores he refuses to help with.

   Let the dishes pile up. If he wants to host a party, leave him to figure out the food and entertainment. If he wants to hire a service, let him spend the money on that and see how expensive it is. Don’t continue to pick up the slack for him. He’s an adult, he needs to grow up and be a proper partner. You aren’t his mother or his maid.

4. It’s concerning when someone starts seeing their responsibilities as optional, especially when it affects the people around them… but have you considered how this shift in attitude might be linked to other changes in his behavior or priorities lately?

5. If he was willing to pay to have someone clean up, I’d have let him lol. But I sure as shit wouldn’t resentfully clean up while he sat around. I would simply leave it until he couldn’t stand it, with his same blasé attitude. 

   It does suck to have to play that game with someone who is supposed up be your partner though. Something else to think about. 

6. Maybe he is dealing with something you are not aware of, but it isn’t your responsibility to deal with. Now, if you see this behavior, there is a chance you can help by communicating exactly this: I like this behavior, as you state, ‘silent confidence,’ but now it is getting out of hand. Making him aware can help you ease your emotions.

7. I would stop doing housework and have him pay for a maid. His arrogance and insensitivity to not wanting to help his wife and life partner with the chores she was doing is not right. No empathy at all, no time shared at all. If this is building and he is going further and further down this path, you need to communicate how it is making you feel, he an react, then you can either become okay with his response or go further. It is a conversation that may need outside input, but, you should never be uncomfortable in your home. Never.

8. OP, the way your husband is behaving isn’t okay. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk, and make it clear you want to see some changes, or you’re gone. You don’t want to be with a man like this forever.

9. First, you shouldn’t have to ask him to help clean up. Fuck fucking losers like this guy.

10. Take his money and hire a cleaner or pay yourself for the his half of the labor

11. You mention that you organized the party. Did he want a party? To be honest, if I have guests over, I kind of expect to be the one doing the prep and cleanup as it was my thing, not my partner’s. But he offers to help, I don’t ask.

    I think it’s weird for him to ask to hire someone for it. Is he rolling in money or something?

12. Move out.

13. Do not cook, clean, or run errands for this man. And if he asks respond with, “Isn’t there a service you could call to do it for you?”

14. He sees it as your party. He’s just there as a guest. Treat him like one. Ask him when he’s going home. He’s checked out.

15. If he knows that you will cave in and do it, why would he help? Stop the cooking and cleaning and laundry (except for your own clothes and meals) and when he complains, tell him to find “a service” to do all this for him. No helping either parties, no running errands, just stop waiting on him like a maid.

16. Girl, just STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIM. Stop everything. Do only your laundry. Make only your own meal at dinner. Refuse to do a single thing until he decides to grow the hell up and act like your actual partner with whom you can have a reasonable adult conversation without him acting like an annoyed teenager or an arrogant ass. If he won’t, you leave. Literally. Because this isn’t a small thing. This isn’t just a little annoyance in your relationship. Your husband is showing you, with his actions, every day, that he has no respect for you. He leaves things around because he knows you’ll do it. If you ask him to help, he laughs or blows you off, because he knows you’ll do it. He doens’t make any efforts to help you, because he knows in the end, you’ll do it. You kind of created this monster by slowly picking up more and more of the slack. I would jsut stop.

    When he asks you where his dinner is, you can tell him, “Well, isn’t there a service you can call for that?”

    And then when he gets mad, you can tell him that until he decides to treat you with respect and sit down and have an adult conversation about his complete lack of participation in what is SUPPOSED to be a partnership, you will not be lifting a finger to help him with a single thing. And if he’s not immediately sorry and willing to talk, or willing to go to couples counseling, you might as well start talking to a lawyer and figuring out what divorce will look like for you – because you can’t live as this man’s house-slave and that is exactly the situtation that he’s creating here. He is a grown adult, not your responsibility. If he’s not working WITH you to tackle the responsibilities of life, then what is even the point of being married, you know?

17. >My **(39F)** husband **(47M)** is making me more frustrated with his attitude lately like he’s always had a silent confidence to him which made me attracted but lately it’s been changed into arrogance like he’s above basic things or just doesn’t do anything that doesn’t benefit him directly.

    You’ve got to have some give and take in any relationship. I’m sure you do stuff you don’t want to do for his benefit, so this cuts both ways and he’s got to do his bit for you. Not sure how long you’ve been married but surely at your ages you have this all down pat.

    >This kind of thing has been building slowly and I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if this is just the start of something else.

    It did cross my mind that maybe he wasn’t into cleaning or he was tired and I could have suggested leaving the stuff overnight. But you state that this has been developing slowly so it’s clearly not that.

    At first glance it might seem like arrogance, entitlement, whatever you want to call it, but it might be something deeper, male menopause, second childhood, whatever you want to call it. Late forties is a curious age, you’re getting close to your 50’s, and you’re experiencing despair more often than you used to.

    See when you’re in your 50’s your ability to change and control stuff falls off a cliff. When you’re in your 40’s you can often go through some sort of awakening. You can realize that you’ve been cheated by life, or the system, get disillusioned, or just see the senselessness behind things. So many things can arise out of feelings of despair, but often when you experience despair there’s a shift in perspective or conscious awareness. During your 40’s is when you start running out of Ego and you need to start basing your identity and sense of self on something else.

    While this might not be some major existential crisis, I strongly suspect that somewhere despair is at the bottom of this, and often as a response some people go back in memory and start behaving like teenagers or even kids (the 50’s is generally when your issues from childhood start coming back on you).

    My suggestion is that you have a deep, soft conversation about this and see if you can get him to open up about his deeper feelings. You can throw in a concerned look and do a bit of forearm stroking (if it works on him) and see what he comes out with.

18. You’re not overreacting you’re responding to a shift in the dynamic that makes you feel *unseen* and *unsupported*. The dishes are just a symptom. What really matters here is the growing emotional gap and his attitude of detachment.

    Have a calm, clear talk with him not about chores, but about *partnership*. Ask him: *“Do you see us as equals in this relationship? Because right now, I’m starting to feel like I’m doing this alone.”* That’s the conversation that needs to happen.

19. I ended up doing everything myself

    That’s why he’s like this. He knows, at the end of the day, you’ll be quiet and clean up his messes.

20. You absolutely should have told him that you could pay somebody to do it. Then tell him how much and then cleaned up and kept his damn money. I would have had him pay me $250.00 to clean my own kitchen.

21. Wow he doesn’t respect you at all. You deserve so much better. What an AH

22. All you needed after he said “isn’t there a service” is “Awesome, honey. I did all the prep so you can call and set it up. Thanks!”

23. >isn’t there a service we can call for that?

    I’m sorry, was he talking about *you*??

24. You have a conversation: we are partners, that means we work together. If you cannot help in the planning, cooking and cleanup of a gathering, we will no longer have gatherings but if you continue to disrespect me like that I will no longer be here.

25. Yeah… it sounds just like lack of respect. Don’t know if he thinks those are ‘skirt jobs’ or what…

26. Next time he wants to host, tell him to hire a catering or party planning service.

    Sit back and sip your drink and if he asks why you are doing nothing, remind him the last event he said to use a service.

    Don’t engage further.

    Also, I’d be reevaluating all his actions. This is trashy misogynist behavior.

27. Yeah he sounds like a duck. Next time he wants sex ask him if there is a service we can call for that!

28. What he meant was that he thinks *you* are the service he’s paying for. He doesn’t see you as his partner, he sees you as ‘the help’.

    I don’t know how you come back from that. A trial separation where you each manage your own households while attending therapy could work but only if he can see that there’s a problem in the relationship. If he can’t see that then there’s no way to save the relationship that doesn’t destroy your self esteem to feed his ego.

29. >Husband been acting more arrogant like he’s above doing basic things

    Because he’s discovered the manosphere and he thinks you’re beneath him. You need to put a stop to it now – with counseling or whatever – or nope out. I wouldn’t live with that BS.

30. Whose idea was this gathering? Next time take him up on his offer to hire it out. But if this isn’t normal for him honestly it sounds like he’s gone down some manosphere black hole. And I’d definitely refrain from hosting again without some clear parameters on who’s doing what to prep and clean up – if these parties are his idea and he’s expecting you to handle it that’s not cool.

31. C’mon. You’re the service he’s referring to. He’s management, you’re staff.

32. So he used to do an equitable share of work and chores in your shared household but now he doesn’t?

    https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2fucking0fucking1fucking3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/

33. You are 39 and he’s 47, yet you’re coming to reddit for advice? Grow up and talk to him about it. Don’t do anything petty like what people are recommending in the comments. COMMUNICATE.

34. I would’ve just left all the dishes in the sink.

35. Tell him how you feel, communicate. I have to tell my man I need a partner! Can you help me with this or that? Still he does absolutely nothing, but shit when I finally leave him he will not have to wonder why.

36. every time i see these drastic age gaps, i wonder why anyone is surprised. you think he went for someone 8 years younger because he wanted an equal partner?

37. The next time he wants to have company, a get together or just some friends over say “Great! Sounds like fun!” and then don’t life ONE FINGER to plan or execute anything! When he says something tell him ‘if you aren’t going to help, I’m not going to do anything either’. I wouldn’t pull the ‘isn’t there a service for that’ because there actually IS multiple places that could plan a get together for him so that wouldn’t really affect him.

    His lack of respect for you is just astounding and I wonder why you would stay with someone who shows his disdain so much? I would have left the clean up for days and days to see what his reaction was. Then just throw all the dishes and pots and pans in the trash. He can buy the new ones.

38. I’m confused on why you just let it end with him saying that and walking away? Is this type of thing something that regularly happens in your relationship? If so, this seems pretty toxic, and I think there’s definitely room for some sort of greater discussion on how his attitude is inappropriate and how you this is making you feel.

    It’s fairly normal for there to be some sort of division of household chores (for example I like to cook but hate cleaning up after. My husband always cleans up after I cook), but for him to just act like he’s above it with no discussion is weird. Also though, if you aren’t at all challenging him on that being wrong, then you can’t really expect change from him.

39. I just don’t understand all the steps that got you to this point. That’s such a crazy thing to say it can’t be the first thing he’s said like that.

40. Honestly a bit of a red flag too that he’s a grown man, there’s a barbecue at his house, and he didn’t man the grill.

41. You just leave the mess as it is. If he asks why, you just reply: “Oh didn’t you say you were going to call a service to do that? But if you don’t: Well it’s OUR house and it was OUR party, so it’s a 50:50 job between you and me to get everything back in shape. I’m ready when you are…”