I (M27) and my wife (F21) are married (obviously). When I'm at work some days she will use her vibrater, some times multiple times a days multiple days in a row. I don't have have a problem with it, especially because i can work over 10 hours a days sometims. But whenever I do it (with or without toys) she doesn't like it. She says she does it because I'm not at home, which i can understand to a degree. But whenever she has a girls night or our with her parents and I do it she gets irritated, even tho she had even bought me some toys for me to use.
I really on masturbate every other day or every three day's, but she admittedly tends to do it 2 to 3 times a day almost. There was one day she did it 6 times because she "was bored". I can understand that to a degree but I had only worked 7 hours that day before I got home, thats when I became a little irritated that she wasso againstme doingit at all. So sometimes I'll masturbate out of spite simply because she does it so often and doesn't like me doing it at all. Which i know is wrong but you can't blame me.
Just the othe night I had to take a dump, and after that while I was in the bathroom I decided to crank one out. It had been 4 days since we last had sex and my wife didn't seem up to having sex that night. I was in the bathroom for less than 15 minutes, I got out and laid down next to her while she was scrolling on her phone. She turned to me and said that she used her vibrater while in the bathroom because "I was in the bathroom for so long" with a big ol smile on her face. Then I looked at her and said "what do you think i was doing in there", then she got mad and turned over and went to bed.
I know i need to talk to her about it but I dont know how to bring it up gently or what options to give her without them being on either end of the extremes. This isn't like a huge relationship issue, but i just want the both of us to be on the same page of things.
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Post title: My Wife Masturbates But Gets Mad when I Do It
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I (M27) and my wife (F21) are married (obviously). When I’m at work some days she will use her vibrater, some times multiple times a days multiple days in a row. I don’t have have a problem with it, especially because i can work over 10 hours a days sometims. But whenever I do it (with or without toys) she doesn’t like it. She says she does it because I’m not at home, which i can understand to a degree. But whenever she has a girls night or our with her parents and I do it she gets irritated, even tho she had even bought me some toys for me to use.
I really on masturbate every other day or every three day’s, but she admittedly tends to do it 2 to 3 times a day almost. There was one day she did it 6 times because she “was bored”. I can understand that to a degree but I had only worked 7 hours that day before I got home, thats when I became a little irritated that she wasso againstme doingit at all. So sometimes I’ll masturbate out of spite simply because she does it so often and doesn’t like me doing it at all. Which i know is wrong but you can’t blame me.
Just the othe night I had to take a dump, and after that while I was in the bathroom I decided to crank one out. It had been 4 days since we last had sex and my wife didn’t seem up to having sex that night. I was in the bathroom for less than 15 minutes, I got out and laid down next to her while she was scrolling on her phone. She turned to me and said that she used her vibrater while in the bathroom because “I was in the bathroom for so long” with a big ol smile on her face. Then I looked at her and said “what do you think i was doing in there”, then she got mad and turned over and went to bed.
I know i need to talk to her about it but I dont know how to bring it up gently or what options to give her without them being on either end of the extremes. This isn’t like a huge relationship issue, but i just want the both of us to be on the same page of things.
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It needs to be you against the problem. Why is she bothered? What would her solution look like? What would a solution look like for you? Discuss and compromise.
i think you’re both just being immature, trying to one up eachother is so damn weird… maybe start with that
Hypocrisy can be a hard pill to swallow on both ends. For you obviously, but on her end it’s easier for her to come to terms with her pleasing herself without you than the jealousy that you pleasing yourself without her might come with. It’s not fair of course, but that’s how emotions go. But just because that’s how emotions go doesn’t mean she’s right to contradict herself unfairly.
Are there differences in how you masturbate, for example, is she uncomfortable with the idea of you watching porn whereas she doesn’t while she masturbates?
If my partner ever tried to limit my masturbation without my consent, or got mad at me for doing it, I would dump them immediately.
This is a major infringement on your bodily autonomy. You say it isn’t a huge relationship issue. It sure sounds like one to me. Her position is controlling, hypocritical, and patently unreasonable.
If you want to stay with her (I wouldn’t), I suggest the two of you try counselling. You’ve clearly got a lot of stuff to work through.
A bit of an assumption from the limited things you said, but this could be the behaviour of someone into domination. Like wanting to control your orgasms. But not mature/experienced enough to know that’s what she is into and put it into words.
Or alternatively, she just wants more sex but not good at communicating it. She does masturbate a lot.
This is next level, you jacked off after taking a shit in the bathroom? How do you know she uses her vibrator all the time is she telling you? And you guys are married and she’s 21? So many problems here
Ok let’s back up a step..
You were both in bed together and she said / implied she didn’t want sex.. you went to the bathroom to relieve your tension, and whilst you were there she (contrary to what she said or implied) decided she needed relief as well…
Eye opener..
You are ‘both’ using masterbation as a means of addressing a lack of fulfilment in your actual sex life..
Firstly you need to talk and be honest and open with each other about how you could improve things when you ‘are’ together. You need to communicate positively and enforce that with positive encouragement and without judgment…
Then you need to address the masterbation.. turn it around from something negative to something positive… masterbation becouse you can’t wait to have sex with one another and are thinking of one another is a ‘positive’ thing…. Masterbation becouse you are bored or frustrated is a ‘negative’ action…
It sounds to me like she is using sex/masterbation as a form of control over your relationship. I think you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself; explain that she doesn’t control your sexual desires.
I also think she needs to talk to someone about this. It’s very strange that she would flaunt her actions, but become enraged that you did the EXACT same thing. Something is going on there that…I think someone should delve into because she needs some help.
It sounds like she has a very high sex drive and yours is much lower.
Do you often *assume* she doesn’t want sex and crank one out without even trying to initiate? If that’s the case, that’s almost certainly why she’s getting mad that you’re preferring solo masturbation over sex with her
It sounds to me like she may have been trying to initiate with the vibrator comment (ready for round ii in her eyes), but you just stated you already finished in the bathroom, without even checking if she’d be interested
NTA
But you both sound immature.
I don’t see why you even need to discuss how much each of you masturbates. As long as it doesn’t affect your sexual life as a couple, it’s not something that need to be agreed upon, or, even worse, “forbidden” (in this case, by your girlfriend).
Everyone has their own body and needs, and everyone is different. You need to discuss and be clear about this.
If she really wanted you to avoid the need to jerk off, she’d take matters…uhhh…into her own hands before leaving.
TLDR; she should consider therapy, preferably both of you
Your masturbation seems to trigger in her a perception of being unwanted or undesirable, with intense emotions.
Seeing as she’s reasonable when she’s not triggered, buying you toys and being playful with her masturbation, implies she has maladaptive beliefs and trauma that she repressed.
> I’ll masturbate out of spite
Which is making the issue much worse for her. Why would you ever treat your partner in that way, knowing full well how triggering that is to her?
You really have a bad dynamic going on, with the masturbation very probably being only the tip of the iceberg.
I’d suggest both of you seek a therapist before this gets worse and resentment starts.
An immature approach from both of you. Rather than making assumptions, is there any clearly communicated rejection on either side that is happening? Masturbation is healthy – using it as a strange one up game against each other isn’t and your sex life (and ultimately marriage) will suffer.
There is a simple solution:)
Might try “offer required” that you must offer sex before you masterbate. That’s just a pure possible solution y’all need to sit down and hash this out to figure out why she feels this way and what’s causing it.
So she doesn’t want you to masturbate but also won’t have sex with you? Run dude.
Also dude she is 21. Even tho she is an adult from a neuroscience point of view she is still developing her brain. So be honest and remove that toxicity otherwise it will grow. She has to grow up and be more open minded
Well obviously communication is lacking here but I’ll hazard my best guess why this is happening. Does she usually cum when you two have sex? I get the impression that maybe her masturbating all the time, but being annoyed when you do could be her badly communicating resentment about feeling horny but neglected in the bedroom. She’s horny so she masturbates a lot, but she wants you to step up and make her cum so when you respond by masturbating more, she’s pissed off. She doesn’t just initiate sex because she expects to be left frustrated. Could be off the mark but I went through something similar with a partner.
She has a high sex drive. So do you. Why not fuck more often and not worry about counting masturbation sessions?
How about asking if she want all those “nuts” inside her,or, she just want both of you masturbate together, she probably has high demand but shy enough to not let you know. I maybe wrong but i suggest you and her sit down and talking thing out first, if it not workout, then talking about what i just said, gently and respectfully ofcourse
I’m gonna take a guess and say that she gets irritated because she’s actually hurt and the true underlying issue is she feels unwanted due to a lack of sex frequency/libido.
As a woman, you’re taught that men are horn dogs who constantly want it. Therefore if your partner doesn’t initiate as much as you want, it can make you feel undesirable. Depending on her upbringing it may feel entirely wrong to even try and put it into words. Mentioning her masturbation could be a way to say “hey I really wanna have sex, look at my sex drive, don’t you want me just as much?” Then when you don’t initiate, she thinks “oh he just doesn’t want it okay” but if you mention masturbating it can feel like “he did actually want it, just not with me cause I’m undesirable.”
Obviously it’s not super intuitive way of hinting but it’s disordered thinking. Regardless I would suggest asking her what the real problem is. Usually behind anger there is some kind of hurt and she may not even know what it is. I highly suggest a couples therapist for this talk if you don’t get anywhere. Trust me, it’s not a “small problem” and can get worse with time. But it sounds like you care about her so try to dig a little!
Shes 21, that honestly explains it all
Pretty cringe how you guys are all saying this guy is immature this and that blah blah but if it was a woman in here saying the same thing everyone would be like “OMG dump him he should not control you!”. To be real with you man she seems uninterested in sex with you, if you haven’t had sex in 4 days and it’s upsetting you and on top of that she is saying she used her vibrator with a bitchy smile, she would be gone yesterday lol.
You both sound like neither were ready to be married. She has a weird controlling issue, sort it out with therapy maybe
looks like both are competing for the same title”the ultimate masturbator” .
and she is afraid, one day you will defeat her in this game….
Why tf did this blow up
It’s not ok for her to be mad at you for jerking off but, I wonder if she’s feeling unwanted or undesired and can’t put it into words.
Because, quite honestly, the thought of my partner jerking off makes me want to jump his bones. If I thought he was in the bathroom jerking off it would take every ounce of willpower to not bust in there and go to town.
But I would be hurt if he’d rather do it than have sex with me.
This is why we don’t marry children
Congrats! You married a child. Yay!
I think her power game went not as expected. Sound like she wanted to get you jealous
Honestly. Get her one of those remote controlled vibrators and say that the only way you’re going to use it while you’re away is if you get to control it while you masturbate. This opens up for more intimate play and also brings a power dynamic. Just my 2 cents.
This is an issue that could easily be solved by just a quick chat. Though, I won’t sugarcoat it because from what I am reading, I see divorce in your future.
>This isn’t a huge relationship issue
However, it was big enough that you needed input from strangers on the WWW.
Immature issues like this will not cease any time soon. If it’s not this, it will definitely be something else. It is ultimately what you signed up for when you decided to propose to a 21-year-old woman who is 6 years your junior (which is a lot of maturity, experience difference when you are in your 20s).
That to say, I hope you prove me wrong. Good Luck.
Ahhh. Nothing like the stench of shit in the air to put a fella in the mood…….
You are both not only using self pleasure as a vengeful method, but intentionally using it as a weapon verbally against one another and are struggling to figure out why this is a problem? Really?
This isn’t a huge relationship issue? You are both actively, intentionally and willfully hurting one another. I get that you’re both young, and I’m not sure why she’s spending so much time at home at 21 but honestly this one will likely require a mediator. It’s less about the specific issue and more about how both of you are approaching it. If you try to fix this yourself it’s going to devolve into a fight and resentment issues on both sides.