My (32f) husband (31f) has decided that he’s no longer attracted to me. We’re in our first year of marriage m, and I’m within five pounds of my wedding weight. He’s gained more weight than I have in this relationship, but I’ve never said anything about it because it’s not important to me. When I’ve asked him to go to the gym with me, he never does. He thinks I should just do it by myself. I don’t eat anything crazy, but I have some medical stuff that makes it harder to lose weight. I’m just crushed and my whole self-esteem is shattered. I feel unlovable and disgusting. He’s sleeping downstairs and won’t even touch me. We were supposed to start trying for a baby this month, but I guess that’s off the table now. He’s my best friend and now I feel like I lost everything. He wants space so he can figure out what to do. I think his depression is playing a huge part in this. I’m simply lost and hurt. What do I do?
Tl;dr: My husband isn’t attracted to me anymore and I feel lost.
34 comments
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Maybe he is not feeling attracted to himself and he is projecting that onto you. Either way, I think you would do best to break up as this is a major red flag.
Sounds like he’s been cheating.
How’s he doing at work? Is he valued? Respected? Does he enjoy his job? What about hobbies?
I think he’s failing elsewhere in his life and he’s taking it out on you. Essentially, shit rolls downhill.
Either he’s cheating or he has a porn addiction
That is really tough. I’m sorry you are going through this. Your husband sounds like an AH. What I think is to take control. Why do you have to wait for him to figure it out? Do the figuring out for him. You can 100% find a man who can’t keep his hands off you and will have kids with you.
Do not let this man tear you down. He’s gained weight himself and has the nerve to say something like that to you? Make sure everyone knows what he said about his wife, so they see what kind of man he is. I think it’s time to separate, and he needs to get help for his issues, he obviously has some. Do NOT have a baby with this man. Tell him he will have all the space he needs with the divorce. It sounds like him cheating could be a real possibility
this has nothing to do with how you you look.
Agree with previous comment about him projecting and also possibly trying to cheat/justify.
Maybe his depression is causing him to bring you down so you can drown like him.
Maybe he is making excuses to not try for a child for whatever reason (he should dig into that if so)
Or MAYBE this BOY isn’t “attracted” to a partner he has no power or control over. Maybe youre a strong/independant/successful/confident/likable/non subservient
Im so sorry youre going thru this. Seek couples and individual therapy (especially for him, but he has to actually want to do the work…)
This isn’t about your weight, this is about something going on with him. You have to give him some space — but not an unlimited amount. He can move out for two weeks or a month, and then you two can have a conversation about where you want to go from there. If you have reason to believe that he is clinically depressed, ask him to see someone to investigate that. If you *hope* it’s depression because the alternative is that he has checked out of this relationship, then you have to eventually accept that this is over.
I think men who obsess this much over weight need to be alone forever.
This isn’t a you problem.
Give him space. Lots of space.
Keep in mind that if he becomes suddenly affectionate again, it’s possible whoever he has a crush on rejected him. Regardless of what happens, you can probably do better. You just need the time to work through this abrupt change to do what needs to be done. Be gentle with yourself.
Did you have an argument or anything recently? What changed between you two and your dynamic?
5 pounds is nothing in the scheme of life. If you were to be pregnant your body will change a lot more. I think he is using your appearance as an excuse for something else. He really needs to explain himself better – maybe couples therapy might help you both to communicate & work through this. His being depressed could leave him thinking he is not good enough & you deserve someone else so he’s trying to make you break up with him to validate his opinion of himself. Just some thoughts
2kg is fuck all . He’s making excuses. I can lose or put that on in a week.
What an absolute load of shit. 5lbs is NOTHING. Do NOT get down on yourself, because this is not a you problem. I don’t know why he’s doing this, but Id be willing to bet there’s something else going on.
‘Decided ‘ is a very interesting word to use here
Do not try to keep him. Do not have children with him under any circumstances. Divorce is hard, but not a huge deal if you don’t have kids. If you can get out quickly, this will be a a flash in the pan in your life. He’s not your best friend anymore. You’ll find a new one. Trust is broken and I doubt you can save this in a way that will bring you a fulfilling, life long relationship. You’re young and it’s not too late for you. Take control of your fate.
If your husband has a history of depression, it is a very likely culprit for what’s happening. Depression can make it damn near impossible to feel excited or happy about anything, and this can include even basic attraction. The depressed brain just *cannot* feel those things.
He needs to talk to a professional, and you both might want to talk to one together. Even if it’s the result of a chemical imbalance, you have suffered some very real hurt as a result of this and a counselor can help the two of you work through that in a way that is fair to both of you.
But, at a minimum, sudden changes like this in a person with a history of mental illness are a big red flag and should not be ignored.
Did he actually say it was about your weight? I’m not seeing that in your post. And “decided” is an interesting choice of words.
This could be any number of things. Depression, infidelity, anxiety, fear of not being a good father sabotaging future attempts at making a baby. Odds are he doesn’t think you’re fat, he’s dealing with some internal stuff in the worst way possible. Given how you’re describing the situation, I get the feeling you’re exacerbating it rather than trying to get to what’s really going on.
Honestly, I’d dump him so fast. What a vile think to say. Has he got a new colleague at work he can’t stop mentioning as there’s got to be a reason for this that got nothing to do with you here? You deserve better. Stop worrying about him and decide to get out there and meet new friends and restart
Him being depressed can have a massive effect on things like libido. He might be externalizing his depression and blaming you because he’s not ready to deal with things. It’s an immature way of handling things for sure, but he might not be equipped with the tools to deal with it.
At the end of the day, you do one of these things.
1) Wait it out and see if he decides that he wants help. Encourage and support him from a healthy distance but understand that it might never get better and in fact might get a whole lot worse. You love him, but know how much you’re willing to sacrifice before walking away.
2) Suggest relationship counseling so you can both work on your relationship. This shows that you’re willing to work on things. He just has to show up. If he’s not willing to do that…
3) Divorce. I know it’s the last thing you want to do and it will likely cause his depression to spiral even further but you can’t be expected to sacrifice your well being for him. Doing it now before kids are in the picture will make things easier.
Nobody deserves to feel undesired as a partner and as much as I’m empathetic towards your husband, you’ve gotta take care of yourself first.
He’s seeing someone else, thinking the grass is greener. Call him out on it.
Stop beating yourself up, he’s using you as an excuse.
He is not your best friend.
There is something going on with him that doesn’t relate directly to you. Probably, cheating.
Is he lashing out at you randomly or finding faults more than usual?
did he outright say this to you or did he just start sleeping on the couch and this is your interpretation of why he’s doing that? have you talked to him at all to find out what might be going on with him making him feel the need to create distance between you guys? i’m sure it does hurt to feel unwanted but a conversation with him from a loving place could probably go a long way. this is the guy you married and wanted to have a baby with, and you’re barely a year in. people go through his and downs and you signed up to be his partner even when he’s not at his best. you can give him some space, sure but let him know you’re ready and eager to talk this through with him and follow through. maybe he’s feeling bad about his own appearance? maybe he’s having some mental health struggle he is afraid to share? fight for your man, girl!
5 pounds?? Hell I can resolve 5 pounds with a glass of water, a good night sleep, and a good shit. Literally. There’s no way on earth 5 pounds has affected his attraction to you, or is even visible at all.
Did he state the reason for this change or are you making assumptions about the weight gain being the cause? It’s not clear from your post that they are directly connected (cause 5lbs is not a lot…)
I was with a guy for nearly a decade who belittled me and destroyed my self esteem. After years of arguments about my weight, I left his ass and found myself a man who loves me for who I am and makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. We set our wedding date today 💜 go find someone who will appreciate you the way you deserve!
You divorce him. The reasoning doesn’t matter because whatever it is, it’s not good. He’s disgusting and isn’t a good partner, let alone a good friend. Don’t have a child with this person because your body changes drastically, so if he isn’t attracted to you now, he won’t be after that. You deserve better. And I bet you any money he had this feeling before you got married but was too chicken shit to say something. You don’t do that kind of flip in a year.
Has he specifically told you that 5lbs is what did it? Please let me reassure you that 5lbs is absolutely nothing esp. when women’s weight fluctuates 3-8 lbs. throughout a month due to hormones. I hope you realize this is not normal and does not bode well for the rest of your relationship. Be very thankful that you did not have children with this moron.
The depression is the cause. No one loses attraction over 5 lbs up or down, that can happen with one stomach bug or just water weight during your period.
Sounds like he’s met someone else or is confused about his sexuality. If it’s either of these he’s a terrible person for putting this on you and making you feel like 5 pounds matters at all.
The other option is that he’s one of those dicks that once he gets married he manipulates and controls his partner to the point where they have zero self esteem and will do whatever they want.
He could be saying what he’s saying for any number of reasons but I highly doubt the reason has anything to do with 5 pounds. He’s lying and he’s an asshole for doing so.
I know everyone looks different with a little more weight because of how it looks on different frames, where the fat goes, etc.
But I am sorry; I kinda don’t believe that he can tell that you have gained 5 pounds. I’ve never met a man who could tell. 10-15? Sure, things start to look different. But unless you’re 90lb starting (and you might be), 5 is a very small amount. My husband absolutely would not be able to differentiate between me at my current weight and me at 5lb heavier. I know because my weight fluctuates about that amount quite regularly.
I think something else is going on. I’m really sorry regardless.
When we first met, my wife was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Svelte and glamorous and had the eye of any red blooded man as soon as she walked into the room. 30 years later and we waddle like ducks, wheeze when we walk fast, are wrinkled like week old sheets, and are a little greyer than we’d like… And she’s still the most beautiful creature on earth to me. 5 extra freedom units? Your hubby is just being a dick.
This is a *him* problem, not a you problem, so it’s not on you to fix it. You take care of yourself. Do the things that make you feel happy and good about yourself. You *don’t* need to lose weight. If you enjoy the gym go, but otherwise don’t. You don’t need to change your look or anything you are doing. Insist he get therapy. Go to therapy yourself.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Babies are off the table for the foreseeable future. He isn’t ready to be a father. It’s possible he’ll never be.
There’s a non-zero chance he’s been cheating on you, or thinking of cheating on you, and is working up the guts to leave. Be prepared, financially and mentally.