Hey everybody I’m (F 20). I'll start by saying that we've been together for 1,5 years and have been through a lot in that time. And it's clear that we're serious, he (M35) really wants a family, which is his idea of having children. And I also want children, but a couple months ago talking about it I said that children should be born in marriage (I have an older school although I am much younger than him) And he said I do not want to marry, at this point my heart broke. All I could think at the time was, "He never saw me as a wife? "I'm good enough to have kids with me but not marry me? You never thought to pick out a ring for me?"
But I couldn't say anything. The next day I gave him a choice. Either you have to marry me or I'm leaving. Of course he chose for me to stay. But from that moment on, our relationship was never the same. The next week our condom broke and I thought it was very strange because it had never happened before and it happened as soon as I said that I would not have children without marriage, he assured me that it was an accident and I took the pill and I started to have health problems and nervous system.
About a couple weeks later we talked about marriage again. He said he never wanted it, that he swore to everyone around him that he would never get married, and then I fell in love with him and didn't tell him I wanted to get married. That the wedding is a huge waste, that he doesn't want to see any of his family and friends at all and in general it will be the happiest day for me but not for him. That buying 2 rings is stupid and that the wedding is alienating him from having children. About half a year ago I promised him that we could have kids in two years but it's up to him. He was happy although he is sad that he doesn't have kids yet he is in his 30s. That the wedding is a huge waste, that he doesn't want to see any of his family and friends at all and in general it will be the happiest day for me but not for him. So for the last two months we talk about it every weekend I try to understand him but in my head just play the phrase It will be a happy day for you but not for me. One day he admitted that I more than anyone deserved a Disney cartoon wedding. And then he sent me this text message
“I’ve never been someone who envisioned getting married. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realized how important it is to you, and how important you are to me. It made me see things differently. I didn’t want to get married just for the sake of it, but I want to share that kind of commitment with you because you mean everything to me.”
“I want you to know that me agreeing to marry you isn’t about doing what’s expected. It’s about me choosing you and wanting to show you my commitment. I love you, and I want to share my life with you in every way possible.”
“I want to build a future with you, and I want you to feel secure and loved in this relationship. I’m not doing this because I feel pressured; I’m doing it because I believe in us. I hope that helps you feel the depth of my commitment to you.”
But yesterday he was back to saying all the same things he's always said. I have a feeling that I lost a friend lover and just calmness before looking at him I felt love and defense imagined how he will cry when he sees me in a wedding dress and now I cry just when I look at him. And I don't understand if I can just forget about it, what will I tell my kids when they ask "how did daddy ask you to marry him?" I'll say I made him do it? I don't know if I can forget and forgive. Who's been
in this situation, please give me some advice and opinions .
TL;DR Marriage and love are different things to him, and I can't forgive him.