I’m 31 years old, and this year seems to have brought a different kind of awakening: the awareness of death.
At the beginning of the year, I got the news that a childhood friend had passed away. It was sudden, some kind of illness took him in just one week, a fucking mosquito bite they said. He was also 31. We hadn’t been in touch for years, and to be honest, our last interaction was a kind of “see you never,” for reasons that don’t matter anymore. Still, I went to his funeral out of respect for his family. I even reconnected with some old friends from school I hadn’t seen since that time of falling out….
Yesterday, I heard that a distant relative of mine, also 31, was murdered. Apparently, it may have been a case of mistaken identity. Nothing was stolen from him, and I’m sure he wasn’t involved in anything shady. I didn’t go to the funeral because I had only seen him two or three times in my life, the last time probably +10 years ago. His parents and grandparents, though, were close to my father, who passed away in 2023 due terminal illness. That was actually the last time I saw them, in death as well.
Still, this hit me hard. It ruined my day, possibly my week and brought back those thoughts about how fragile life really is and how close death can feel, especially in a fucked up country like mine.
I thought I was tough until seeing the parents in immeasurable pain, it is a sight that I don't want ever to see again…
It affected me so deeply that I wrote a short “post mortem” note in my journal.
Younger people often ask what changes when you hit your 30s. Well, here’s one answer: death becomes real. It’s not just something that happens to other people anymore. It can happen to your peers. To people your age. To you.
We all expect to live long lives, but the truth is, many people leave this world way too soon. And no book, no meditation, no stoic mindset can truly prepare you for that. At best, you might find a little comfort in prayer, if that’s something you do…
12 comments
Yes the weight of impermanence rests heavier on the mind. I made a post a few days ago about the very feeling of life’s “fragile” nature and how it almost triggered a panic attack at work last week. I think my answer is gratitude; the end will come, so be happy with whatever you have and try to squeeze the most out of it. Or at the very least be content with yourself.
We all should be grateful for the life we have been given, it’s not an entitlement as you’re starting to realise. I have been dealing with this since turning 40 myself. I don’t have a good answer for you and we are pretty sheltered from death until we’re not, so it can be rough. I’ve decided to live under the assumption that I am immortal until proven otherwise, but also to be thankful for each day I wake up. Life is short, and it rings truer with time. Do the things you’ve been putting off, let go of burdens that don’t matter and make sure you pause and look around.
I had a dream that I made a personal goal to accomplish. I was ready, but sitting on it for a few years because it was a big life move that could potentially not work out the best for me. It was also kind of a crazy, but respectable things to do. Anyway, when I was 31, my best friend from teenage years was murdered. 6 months Iater, I was chasing my dream. Afterwards, I quickly met my wife and started a family. That was over 10 years ago. Life is short and tomorrow may never come. To get what you want out of this life, you have to make it happen. Don’t wait too long or you may never get to experience it.
I’m sorry for your loss. I struggle with those thoughts sometimes and this quote helps me.
“Why should I fear death?
If I am, then death is not.
If Death is, then I am not.
Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?” -Epicurus
Doesn’t solve everything, but it’s a good way to reframe the thinking. I think what’s more stressful than death is what the hell to do until then.
I was given this awareness – as violently as it was abrupt – a few days before my 21st. One of my roommates decided to play Russian roulette and lost. I was home.
Honestly I think it fucked up most of my 20s.
youre 31?! lol
When I was 19 years old I lost 8 people that were close to me in that 12 month time span. One was a grandparent and another was a close friend’s dad, but the other 6 were all close in age to me. You never know how much time you’ll have with those you love, and inversely they don’t know how much time they’ll have with you.
It really set my perspective as I was entering adulthood to prioritize the things that really matter to me — family and friendships. No boss, I won’t be late to my uncle’s funeral because of some inconsequential weekly meeting. Yes I’m in for the guys camping trip, or flying halfway across the country to see your new kid, or staying up with you until 3am to talk after your dad died last week.
Death is always painful and in my experience never “gets easier,” but you can still find meaning in it and take it as a reminder to hold your loved ones closer.
I think I was this wake up call for some of my friends. I was the first in my friend group to have a parent die, still the first to have two dead parents. Then I got diagnosed with a pretty serious illness, would’ve killed me within 6 weeks if they hadn’t caught it. All before 30
Thankfully there’s a cure/fix but all told it’ll be about three years of consistent appointments, medication, etc. I spent a lot of my 20s partying hard, being dumb with money, travelling. And the one thing I remember when learning about the illness was: that’s alright. I went fuckin hard. Didn’t hold anything back. I have 0 regrets about how I spent my time
I wish I could say it taught me the value of a dollar or something but if anything, I’m even more likely now, in my older age, to recommend doing the “dumb thing.” You simply cannot get that time back, so you might as well be happy for it.
We haven’t had anyone in our close friend group die yet, a loose friend from school OD’d some years ago and that was weird for sure.
I’ve been dealing with degenerating health from Long COVID for 3.5 years. It’s getting worse, but I’m finally working with some specialists so hopefully we’ll get things slowing down.
Life is short, and much shorter than we realize.
I had dinner with my grandmothers tonight, 86 and 84, with my wife, parents, brother and sister in law, nephews and my kids.
We never know, so live to make your mark.
Gotta agree. Death and debilitating injuries suddenly become something you’re more aware of.
In your thirties, you’re still young and strong, but you’re also more cautious because you’ve come to understand that you’re not invincible.
Well, I started off my 30s by having a literal stroke and, by some miracle, being totally fine.
I guess I was ready for that, because the impermanence of life doesn’t really get to me. I had to see my granny on death’s door at 18, she was my last living grandparent, so I guess I’ve processed it already.
In a way, it’s kind of beautiful. Poor, rich, good, evil, any color, every gender, whatever. We all end up the same way. However that way is doesn’t bother me much. Personally, I’m more concerned with the suffering of the living.
Can’t wait to die. Living is suffering