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Had a promising convo with my ex and hopefully future boyfriend yesterday. We have a not date at the weekend and I have been trying to send him subtle signals.
I’m really bad at subtle signals tbh. I just want him to hopefully have some idea my interest in him remains before I bring it up.
My good experience on the refreshingly intentional first date from last week is slowly blossoming into a full on crush, after further reflection on what felt good about it and enjoying texting with her over the weekend. I haven’t felt that tingle of giddiness about someone in a long time, maybe only once or twice since college. It’s just a first date and our second isn’t until the end of this week, so there’s a very broad range of non-positive outcomes still possible. But for now I’m just enjoying the confirmation that I am still capable of feeling this way.
I (38M) am single again after a 3.5 year relationship (plus 1.5 years of dating before that) with her (30F).
The relationship was amazing, and we still love each other. But we finally had to admit that our long-term visions for life don’t align. The big topics were children (she wants them, I’m not sure) and our different needs for freedom vs. commitment in a relationship.
Feels strange to be starting over. Extremely sad. But also exciting to be single again.
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He told me he loved me 7 months after our relationship ended. Now he lives on the opposite side of the country. I’m grieving the loss of him again, somehow. It’s a different type of grief. But I think it’s important to experience it, instead of beating myself up over it. It’ll pass, in time.
He asked me to pay him for a portion of first date.
Start to finish was a few days. Met at an in-person dating event, and talked all 4hrs. I offered to pay round-by-tound of drinks. He declined and insisted he pays.
Messaged until first date. He picked a nice wine bar, then the bottle of wine and the food to share.
We hit it off and agreed to go back to his rather than running up a silly tab. He said he’d look after the bill. “Are you sure?” “Yes” “Thank you”
We were not sexually compatible and he was mean to his dog. Other not okay stuff happened, but therapy can sort that. He offered to take me home, but I insisted on getting my own cab back. I got home safe and sound.
I messaged the next morning – “I don’t want to pursue anything further. We’re both wanting something serious, I feel it’s better that I’m upfront with it. I hope you find your person”
That evening, he responded “You’ve got my number, you can transfer me $X for last night’s $Y bill”
I have blocked and deleted.
Is it normal to ask for a portion of the first date’s bill?
First date from Friday went well and rolled over into the next day, which brought me back to my high school days lol. I also ended up seeing them again over the weekend š¤Ŗ.
But I feel like our personalities and sense of humor are pretty different. How much time do you give to see if this is an issue or not ?
I wish I could text my ex this:
āIāve tried to be fair and respectful, but you donāt seem to understand and you keep attempting contact. My patience wears more thin each time. Hopefully now youāll get the picture and leave me be.
1. You hid being married for the first three months of us dating
2. You ultimately avoided communication and withdrew from the relationship rather than communicate
3. You lied about spending time with your āexā husband
Considering you once explicitly said to me that you wanted to āhave your cake and eat it tooā I have to consider the possibility that you lied about being separated from your husband. All things considered, it seems you most likely selfishly manipulated both me and him. How would (her husband) feel about this? I believe he deserves to know. Considering you seem to be stalking me I will continue to block you any way I can and you will never contact me again. Do not approach me if our paths ever cross again. Have a nice life.ā
But itād be a little psycho to send that a month after she popped up in person to violate my boundaries.
Something big (and good!) happened in my relationship but it brought up a lot of unpleasant feelings from the past. I hate how these things sneak up on me and just in a second come crashing over me, drowning me. Itās so sneaky and the tension starts building in my body before I even realize whatās happening.
Iām caught between the potential of a long distance thing and also keeping my options open. It kinda sucks. Iām trying to be patient with the LDR but at what point do I decide itās moving too slow and I canāt dump anymore time into it? Sometimes I feel like āplanning isnāt his styleā is simply not compatible with a LDR. We are approaching 4-5 months.
Iāve got a phone date with a new match from the weekend tonight. Little distance between us.
Something Iāve been reflecting on is how, on early dates, I avoid bringing up exes pretty much at all costsāand Iām wondering if Iām too rigidly avoiding mentioning them. Like sometimes sharing a story or life decision makes more sense to just say āwith the guy I was dating at the timeā. But when someone else brings up an ex, especially if they use the phrase āmy exā I kinda get the ick.
Idk anyone have thoughts on this?
Hope to hear from my crush š
Good news is I received my first ever rose on hinge bad news is she had completely opposite family plans lol
I saw a psychic this weekend who told me he wasnāt my person ā¤ļø and it felt good to hear that
Does the pang of an ex ever go away? It’s been 2 years since we were together, nearly 6 months since we last saw each other, and 2 months since I realized he had died. I’m dating someone new who I can actually see a future with, but I still think about him often.
Spent the evening hanging out with hobby group crush. I don’t have any of the answers I thought I’d have and feel just as confused as ever. He had a big smile for me when we met up and it was clear he was happy to see me. We hung out one and one for the first time ever and it wasn’t awkward in the slightest. He remembered a lot of things I’d told him months earlier too which was sweet. And all night we were once again brushing arms and standing close. Got to know him better and I can only say that I like him more as a result. At the end we both went for an awkward hug which didn’t turn out though and I still feel bad – like we both bailed on the hug for some reason, I wish I had just gone for it. I think my read is that he’s interested but maybe scared to make a move, much like I am š¬
Anyways, he said he’s down to keep hanging out this summer but no plans set yet. The thing that’s really bugging me is that I’ve planned 100% of the hangouts. Like I would not have heard from him at all if I hadn’t reached out otherwise. So I question if he could really be that into me. I’m going to try to go forward with the intention of just being friends rather than more, because it’s too triggering if I’m the one putting all the effort in and I don’t want to force things. Just going to sit in that discomfort of the gray area and see where it brings me.
As someone who has zero experience (never been on a date, had a relationship, done the deed, lived with anyone else), is being a blank canvas considered a good thing in your 30s? My time on dating apps in my 20s, brief as it was, taught me that itās 100% bad and completely unattractive
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People who quit dating apps forever: did you ever end up meeting anyone or did you just accept singleness forever?
After years of using dating apps on and off, I made the conscious decision to quit dating apps for good this year and don’t think I’ll ever return. The reasons are not just the greatest hits we hear about daily here (flakiness, wasting time and energy on matches that go nowhere, people who seem to be playing the field, bad/weird experiences, burnout, wearing down your mental health, not having much chemistry with matches/dates) but also the realization that at this point in time, dating apps are definitely not what they were a decade ago when you actually stood a chance to meet a complimentary match. There’s probably more privacy concerns nowadays with these apps that make them kinda dangerous, too, so it was a no brainer to move on. I feel so much less distracted and when I look at how much time/energy I was putting into matching and trying to transition into matches into real life dates (rarely, because few seem serious to actually do so!) I definitely feel like I have succeeded at “touching grass” that is living life offline.
My question to those who’ve quit dating apps for good is: did you ever end up meeting anyone in the wild, or have you just accepted that there’s a good chance you’ll just be single for the rest of your life since it’s so hard to meet someone new? That’s my only big worry. I live in a pretty densely populated suburban/metropolitan sprawl but it’s no huge, bustling city where the singles scene for people over the age of 30 is popping off, and don’t have any desire to move (again) to one at this point in my life. I’ve already gone through the gamut of exploring meetups and other ways to meet new people, but it’s not really delivered any promising results. All my friends no longer live in the same state and are all involved in serious relationships, so I can’t depend on them to meet new people through either. I’m coming to accept that maybe I just missed the period of time to find someone when the dating world was in a much healthier place. Whenever I see success stories posted on here, there’s so many comments by people saying the people probably matched before the apps got really bad, and sure enough, it’s typically people who met prior to the pandemic.
Work-crush and I had a nice chat today as we grabbed coffee together before heading to our desks. Mostly about work, but she told me she’s about to go on vacation and also about some of the fun things she’s looking forward to. The more I interact with her, the more I realize we have in common and at this point any delusions I had about getting over my crush are dissipating real fast. Sadly, she’ll be away for a while so we’ll see if my feelings change over the next few weeks due to the lack of interaction, but we do text each other sometimes (though I don’t plan on bothering her while she’s on her vacation) so we’ll see. I also happened to catch her glancing at me when she was near my desk before lunch, so maaaybe she feels the same way? At any rate, when she comes back, our interactions going from there will determine whether I make a move or not.
Been chatting with a few people on apps for the first time in years. I feel like Iām shaking the rust off, and I have absolutely not idea how to have a conversation with a stranger through text. I feel weird having conversations over text because I feel like Iām still trying to hard to keep it cool when all I really want to do is ask them a thousand questions to get to know them.
I never want to hear how easy women have it on dating sites. A week ago, I had four matches. One made a date then cancelled 2 hours before the date. The second asked me on Monday if i was free Wednesday or Thursday. I told him Thursday was great, and never heard from him again. The third hasn’t asked me a single question even though he can send long paragraphs about himself. Doesn’t seem interested in meeting as much as just trauma dumping by text. The fourth asked about a project I’m working on after I asked about his similar line of work. I told him about it and never heard back.Ā
It’s so easy to get a date with me after we match. All you have to do is show up to the conversation and the date itself. Also, these guys are your competition. Your competition is WEAK. The bar is LOW. All you need to do is show up. That’s it.Ā
In lighter news, I made my crushtomer laugh really hard yesterday.Ā
Planned a cute date where we were supposed to try a new fast food chain we talked about and go to the movies. I got her pink roses and a Stanley (replacement for one she lost) as a surprise. However things went south pretty quickly unfortunately. I was upstairs and she was downstairs. When I came down, I noticed my dog was crated. I asked what happened and why she crated (genuine question). She immediately said I was being mean (????).
From that point on, she withdrew and just talked about how tired she is, didnāt say a word in the car, was distant and glued to her phone. When we got to the movie theater, it was clear she was super tired and it wasnāt worth it so I got a refund and we went back home.
The next day I asked her if she was even into me. Like being withdrawn like that over me asking about my dog, and then distant the whole time isnāt cool and she acknowledged if roles were reversed, she wouldnāt feel good either. I get being tired, hell weāre adults, weāre all tired!!! But I asked for more enthusiasm and wished the texts she sends me during the day matched her actions in person (ācanāt wait to see youā but not saying a word to me in the car besides āIām tiredā x15)
The next day, she turns Around and does something (again) if roles were reversed, she wouldnāt be cool with itā she told me about a āfriendā thatās expressed interest in her that bought her classroom a desk and drove 9 hrs to help her set it up. She showed me the texts and itās very clear it aināt friendship on his end. I asked if roles were reversed if sheād be happy with me. She said no. Anyways she still lets him help etc while I worked my ass off all week to make time to do what he ended up doing. Didnāt make me feel good at all.
Iām hypersensitive to overextending myself as Iāve made this mistake so many times in the past, but unlike the past Iām speaking up for myself. Iām starting to believe I deserve more and better. I tried ending things but she wouldnāt have it. Idk anymore.
Apparently I havenāt commented enough in this group to post my own threadā¦ can I post here?
Two months ago, I reconnected with a guy I was in an open relationship with for just under two years after being no-contact for 18 months. Weāre both on the neurodivergent spectrum, with me knowing this about myself for nearly the last decade and silently recognizing it in him shortly after we met. (He later asked me if I thought he was on the spectrum and I said yes and he said he felt like he was recognizing that about himself too.)
Everything has been going great this time around and while we both agreed to take things slow, we have recently started having sex again. From our previous time together, I knew his history with porn. Heās a daily viewer and heās also mentioned how he has a hard drive of porn heās downloaded.
Iām a former sex educator and well-versed in the role porn has played for men of our generation (and others) so I rationally understand the situation and Iām not angry nor jealous. Heās also aware that it provides a quick hit of āhappy chemicalsā to his brain and has said that – weāve talked openly about it.
The thing Iām struggling with is that Iām a BBW and while Iāve not asked about the kind of porn he watches, my mind defaults to the mainstream porn and the conventionally attractive thin bodies that are in it. When men masturbate to porn, theyāre essentially training their brains and bodies to be turned on by what theyāre viewing and so Iāve become more insecure around him lately after this recent talk about his porn habit.
Iāve been with partners who are into my body – as in, itās their preference and they worship every roll. With him, we have an incredible emotional connection and I donāt feel like heās into my body as much. The other women he would hook up with when we were originally together were all smaller than me too.
He recently made a couple comments after we first had sex again how he doesnāt want me to feel like I need to hide my body from him. He used to be overweight (now heās jacked) and said he remembered how it felt and he didnāt want me to feel that way.
For me, it sounds like because he cares about me, he doesnāt want me to feel bad AND it doesnāt seem like heās into my body, which makes me feel more insecure. I also donāt know if his own neurodivergence is at play in terms of not giving me the reassurance I need and/or physically doing things past partners have to show me in the moment how much they enjoy my body. Heās very respectful and never wants to do anything to make me uncomfortable, so itās a really difficult thing to get a read on.
Any insight/advice is appreciated!
It’s my birthday today and I have been overwhelmed with the kindness from my friends. We went for dinner on Saturday and even just walking in and seeing my table set for 10 people was such a nice feeling. Nine people who wanted to join me for dinner! And they all split the bill so I didn’t need to pay. So kind. And the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts. I had a little happy cry when I got home because I was just really feeling the love. One of my friends gave me a giant marrow she grew in her garden š
Then today on my actual birthday I had a happy birthday message at 9am from one of my colleagues, and another changed his Teams background to say “Happy Birthday still-searching” for our meetings š Ā
My friends that are in other cities/countries all sent me beautiful happy birthday messages as well. And my friend who has a toddler sent me a video of him singing me happy birthday. ā¤ļø
Just really feeling the love on a day that can be very difficult when you’re single. I’m so grateful for them all.
When someone stops making a clear effort to see me regularly, I start to lose interest fast.
I can’t decide if this is a sign I’m super healthy/secure or a sign I’m overly sensitive to perceived disinterest/rejection. I’m leaning towards the former, but who knows? It certainly pings some end of marriage stuff for me.
I’m not quite there with this guy, but I’m way past the post-sex high I was on two weeks ago. He had to cancel a date last minute, and I do believe it was just scheduling/poor planning, and he was apologetic, and he did communicate a desire to see me again. But it was a vague desire.
When I gave him a really clear okay, so let’s plan the next one, he did not continue that planning (though he did continue chatting). I do *not* like last minute plans, but that is something I’d prefer to discuss in person, and after a few more dates. I don’t really like to give a ton of direction early. I prefer to see how people act naturally and see if that works for me or not. (We’ve been on about half a dozen dates but we’ve known each other casually for a long time. Same hobby group).
I’m going to give him some grace because I know he’s in a super busy period of life at the moment. But if things don’t change when that period ends, I’m going to resume looking elsewhere. (Or just not looking).
It’s too bad, because I like him quite a bit (well, until my interest started to wane, I guess), and the sex was amazing, but I was married to a passive non-planner and I’m *not* doing that again. I do not mind being the main initiator or even the leader, but the split needs to be like 70/30 not 95/5.
Spotted my ex at a meetup I’ve been going to and had a severe panic attack that knocked me on my ass the entire weekend. I don’t think I ever fully processed the breakup, I was too busy grinding to make sure my dog and I wouldn’t be homeless. Got a therapy appointment set for a couple weeks from now, also looking for a psychiatrist. A little pharmaceutical intervention would’ve been a godsend, I was box breathing and doing pushups in a public bathroom in a desperate attempt to self regulate. I feel beyond grateful for the friends I’ve made since moving here, they didn’t hesitate to comfort me and literally close ranks around me so I was somewhat invisible/hidden. I’m so used to suffering in silence on my own, it’s so wonderful to be able to be open now.Ā
Spent a quiet night in with the guy I’m seeing the day after, he has his own shit going on as well and we both needed a chill day. I honestly didn’t think I’d meet anyone this summer, I’m very intentional when it comes to dating and, despite some absolutely lovely dates with a few standup humans, hadn’t really felt a connection until him. Excited to continue to get to know each other
Just got the boot after 4 months of insane chemistry. Like from moment 1 on the first date! (literally first time ever) We never made it official but he was clear from the beginning he wasn’t looking to rush into anything else seriously and is pursuing more career musician stuff. We saw each other every other week and talked every day. It ended amicably, and he shared that he knows he doesn’t have the time he’d like to give to me. Such a heart breaking moment that was bound to happen. But feel happy that it did and hoping maybe in the long run when he gets settled I might hear from him again. (Ps, this was my first time ever getting dumped and not being the dumper)
I got a message from his mother to say thank you for the cappuccino stick. I would’ve liked it better if he responded, but hey, at least I know they figured out my number (from the Bible study group I assume). So I feel like I’ve tried, and if he wanted to have a conversation, he could have, and that if there is no conversation, there is just no forcing it from my side.
I’m still stuck without a date though. And the RSVP is due in mid-September!
Can we please normalise not asking single and recently heartbroken friends to organise bachelor/ette parties? We love you, weāre happy for you, weāll be at the wedding cheering you on but likeā¦ can we not. Thatās all, thank you for your attention.
My new boyfriend is triggering my limerance insanely. I’m so obsessed with him and want him to be obsessed with me but I know that’s not healthy. But we went a month without seeing each other and even though he was texting me the whole time, it still sucked really hard. I can tell I’ve anxiously attached. I haven’t externalized much of it due to fear. Trying to regulate myself and not seem needy but it’s so fucking hard.
So many moving parts to making a cross-country move! I could barely afford a one-bedroom in my hometown, until I couldn’t, so I’ve been living with family in BFE for several months. (Sent me into the worst depressive episode of my life, I’m shocked I didn’t end it all.) Feeling both optimistic for the fresh start and overwhelmed with the reality of it all.