This is my first post about this, but there is a lot of information. I could use some help trying to navigate and understand my feelings before I make a mistake that could ruin everything in my life. I will be changing names to try and stay anonymous. Also throwaway account.
I guess I should start with names. My name is Richard (26M), my wife's name is Barbara (26F), my ex’s name is Kory (24F), and her husband—who probably won't show up in this story but just in case—is Bruce (24M, I think). If you get the naming scheme, sorry, I’m a big nerd sometimes and names are hard.
My ex, Kory, and I started dating in middle school. We didn’t actually go out and stuff, but we were together—IDK, middle school relationships are weird. So at the very least, we have a very extensive history. We broke up and got back together maybe three times before we really started dating when I was a junior and she was a sophomore. Originally she was dating a girl, but she wasn’t happy with her, and I convinced her to go back out with me. PS: I already know I’m not a good person, and this is not the last time you will see me do something awful. I’m older and trying to be more mature about things, but I still make mistakes and do my best to make up for them.
Eventually, we had sex for the first time, making Kory my first everything. After a few times of having unprotected sex, we found out she was pregnant. By this time, I was a senior and she was a junior. I had already decided that after high school I was going into the military. After some talking, we originally decided to get an abortion, but after she talked to her family, they convinced her to go through with the pregnancy—despite her telling me many times she didn’t want to be a teen mom. At one point, my buddy at the recruiting station told me that if I signed the baby’s birth certificate, I would be held back from going to boot camp and would be forced to wait another year before going. I didn’t want this. I was about to have a daughter, and I needed money to support them. The military was the only way to get that—other than trade school—but I didn’t know then what I know now.
Fast forward 8 months: I graduate from high school. I get my final shipping date and let my ex know. At the time, I believe she was okay with me going. I later find out she felt abandoned. Some things I can’t take back that I would now, I guess. The next month, my daughter Robin (now 6F) is born. I stay at my ex’s house to help take care of Robin. At the time, we were kind of not together/together—because we broke up, then got together, then I cheated. Long story. Maybe another time.
The next month, I ship out and go through boot camp, writing letters home to family and my ex. At this point, our relationship was kind of together/not together, on and off. Come boot camp graduation, she comes to see me with our daughter and my parents, and we have a good time together. I get to go home and spend time with her before I go back to do job training. We spend most of the 10 days together before I go do my job training. While doing job training, I am texting whenever I can to give her updates and ask about the baby. She was healthy and fine, and that made me the happiest. Also, during this time, I am also talking to another girl who isn’t important, so I won’t name her. My ex finds out, and we break up for the first time while I was in the military. I finish job school and get my first duty station in the middle of nowhere—again, can’t say for anonymity. During this time, I would go home for my daughter’s birthday whenever I could, and we would start things up again—partially, it was mainly for sex. I’m not sure if that’s how it was for sure, but after I would leave, we would fight, then break up again.
This would go on for a while until I come home after breaking up/hooking up. I decide this isn’t healthy for me. I decided I wanted to move on. So I downloaded Tinder and eventually met my wife, Barbara. We went out on a couple of dates. I was happy and posting about our dates—very seriously not thinking about if my ex saw them. Well, she did, and she was not happy. We got into a huge argument, which ended with her giving me an ultimatum: choose her and try to fix what we had and be in my daughter’s life, or choose my wife (GF at the time). After being tired of the toxic relationship we had, I decided I wanted to give my relationship with my girlfriend my attention—something I wonder if I regret now. IDK, I’m having a really hard time organizing my thoughts and feelings.
After the choice was made, we decided to go our separate ways for almost four years. My wife and I get married, have a kid, get a house, and we’re just trying to get by. We’ve had some rough times—mainly me. I have cheated on her multiple times, and her, being the patient saint she is, gave me multiple chances until she gave me the last one. Which I have not broken. I have stayed faithful and really worked on myself to be a good partner and father to my son (Damian, now 3M). Now I’m back home, trying to find a job since I’m out of the military, and I try to make contact with my ex so I can see my daughter.
I’ve slightly kept up with her through cyberstalking—where she works, she got married (which honestly broke my heart, but who am I to say that since I got married first). She looked very well and healthy and still amazing.
Initially, the contact did not go well, but recently we decided to meet to talk about being able to be in my daughter’s life. We meet alone at a café, and when she walked in… dang, she looked great. My heart skipped a beat, my stomach was in knots, and everything that I felt for her came rushing back. She berated me for contacting her and told me how she successfully raised our daughter—she did amazingly, might I add—with no help from me. That girl is doing great things, and it made me so happy to see her in pictures. The whole conversation I stayed civil. That was my purpose: I wanted to stay civil and be friendly so I could see my daughter and hopefully develop a relationship with her. But that whole time talking to Kory, I just could not stop thinking about "what if this" and "what if that"—what if I chose to stay with her and raise my daughter? Then my beautiful son wouldn’t have been born, and my wife and I would not have the relationship we have now. Even now, a week later, I am still thinking about her. We text on the phone, but I think that’s just to build a friendship so we can be comfortable around each other and my daughter. Maybe I’m just overthinking things, but I cannot get Kory out of my head. I still love her. And I don’t know what to do.
I told my wife. I figured I shouldn’t hide things from her, and she deserved to know. She’s giving me time to think, and the thought has crossed my mind to leave her. She said if I did leave, it would be mutual and no bad blood. I could see my son whenever I want and call to see him and still try to be friends with her.
My question is, Reddit: What do I do? Can someone help me organize my thoughts? I know I’m not a good person, so please don’t mention it—I know. I’ve called myself everything that some of you probably haven’t even thought of. I’m just asking for advice. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
PS: My wife is not here at home with me; she is tying up some loose ends at our house before we move.
TL;DR:
I had a messy, long-term on/off relationship with my ex (who is the mother of my first child) before joining the military and meeting my now-wife. I’ve been married for a few years and have a son, but recently reconnected with my ex to try and be in my daughter’s life. Old feelings for her have come flooding back, and I’m torn. I love my wife and want to stay faithful, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex and the “what-ifs.” I told my wife, and she’s giving me time to think. I don’t know what to do.