I’m 20, my girlfriend, who we will call Sarah, is 21. We’ve been dating for 2.5+ years. This is both of our first serious relationship. We've gone to local schools and lived close by for the whole time, so it’s been easy to see each other and build a routine. But in less than a week, I’m moving across the country for school. We planned to try long-distance. On paper, it should work… we’re loyal, we care about each other, and we’ve been through a lot. But the closer this move gets, the more conflicted I feel.
This past fall semester I unintentionally formed a connection with a girl I will call Olivia. She was in one of my classes, and we started talking after we both went to a study session with our professor. The conversations came easily. We realized we had a ton in common, ranging from broad to even super niche. One word to describe her personality is bubbly. We snapped each other. We had a streak for a while. I never crossed any physical lines. We only ever studied in the same room. But emotionally, I swear there was something there. I looked forward to seeing her. I forced myself not to act on it, because I was in a relationship with Sarah and wanted to respect that. When the semester ended, I ceased communication with Olivia. During Christmas break, Sarah asked me who Olivia was, I am not quite sure how she found out. But, I was honest. I told her everything. Nothing physical happened, but I did have a connection. She was hurt, understandably, but we worked through it and she wanted me to unadd her on snap, which I did.
But this girl Olivia, she has not left my mind since. I feel like I see reminders of her everywhere, it is like I see little details about things and I connect the dots back to her, even when I am not trying to. I feel like I am coming to understand that Olivia connected with me in a way I didn't know was possible. Not like she created a desire within me, she just happened to reveal it. Not in the sense that Olivia is inherently better than my girlfriend, but rather maybe she just better fit me.
I also feel like after Olivia, the problems in my relationship have become more apparent or I started to notice them more. I am not sure if that is the best way to word that. But, we don’t really do anything together anymore. We don’t have shared hobbies or grow much emotionally as a couple. We mostly just hang out at each other’s houses. I’ve started to feel emotionally disconnected. Like we’re coasting, not connecting. Recently, Sarah and I were out together and I noticed she was being kind of secretive with her phone, especially when I was looking at it. I noticed at the top of her snap feed, she had been talking with a man, we will call Blake. Blake goes to our gym. When Sarah and I first started dating, Blake and Sarah talked a lot at the gym. Enough that if you didn’t know we were dating, you’d probably think he was her boyfriend. Even at a family dinner a year into our relationship, I noticed she was texting him. And now, years later, she still talks to him. I don't think Sarah would or has ever cheated on me, especially with Blake. but when I saw that they were still actively talking the other day, I had a moment where it felt like the last building block finally fell into place. I realized I felt like the expectations and even perhaps the respect were not mutual. Another piece I have began to notice and reflect on is that I don't really have any connection with Sarah's family. I only know her mother, sister, and brother. After 2.5+ years of dating, I have never even met a single extended family member. I feel like these are important things, especially when it comes to long-term things like marriage.
I talked with one of my best friends who I am very comfortable confiding in about this. He told me something that stuck with me. He said "she was a great first, loving relationship. You were able to learn about yourself through her. What you like and dislike." That felt true. It helped me view all of this more clearly. I love Sarah. I really do. But I’ve also started to wonder if we’re together more out of comfort, routine, and fear of change than because we’re truly aligned anymore.
The reality I am facing is that I would not leaving Sarah to be with Olivia. I am leaving because Olivia showed me things I was missing that I didn't even know I was missing or that was truly important to me. However, if I am being brutally honest, I definitely think I will reach out to Olivia in the future after I fully process the outcome of this. Not because I want to rebound. But because I never got the chance to explore that connection cleanly. And I feel it in my gut that it’s unfinished. Not because she’s a fantasy, but because something there felt deeply real.
I want to have a deep conversation with Sarah about my thoughts regarding our relationship, allow the thoughts to marinate for a few days, and then see how we should move forward. I feel so guilty. I know Sarah is a good person. I know I’m hurting her. But I also know that staying in a relationship out of guilt or fear of the unknown would be a slow erosion and wouldn't be fair for either of us. I keep asking myself "What if it's not better on the other side?" The truth is, maybe it isn't. Maybe I'll feel shitty, lonely, or full of regret. I honestly think no matter the outcome of this situation I will feel shitty. But I suppose I would rather feel the pain of growth over the numbness of pretending everything is fine.