Men try hard in the beginning, they seem consistent and attentive at first but the moment i let my guard down and open up emotionally , they start taking me for granted. I've seen this pattern over and over. Is this something others have gone through? How do you women deal with this?
33 comments
every single fucking time
Noo but I don’t let my guard down and I’m not emotionally available
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Women do the same exact thing.
This is a people thing, not a gender thing.
I think they are over compensating at the beginning because they are competing with 10 other guys so with each message they need to hit it off the park. That may not be their natural way of going about things but the dating dynamics are forcing the hand. This also, if unnatural, cant be sustained for longer and hence dies down.
I honestly think that just means we choose the wrong men! Work on your self worth, attachment style, and boundaries / communication. And you can’t do more than steadily improve there.
I think what actually happens is sometimes they get burnt out and realize the prize isn’t worth the chase.
This can often be avoided when there is a similar level of reciprocation from the start. Not after one or two or more months of the guy busting his ass.
you have to treat them like you don’t like them that much unfortunately. its the only thing that works.
I think a lot of women have gone through this and think those women deal with it by leaving red flags on Tea. Which is super not helpful.
Could you be more specific?
Are you referring to communications before a physical encounter, or after having sex?
It’s important to clarify this, as the causes are likely different.
I’ve experienced this. It’s awful. You have to have resilience and a strong sense of self to cope.
Men like this are liars who don’t like women or see them as people. They would rather pretend to be the man they know you want than actually work on themselves to BE that man. They see love and sex a game and once they think you’re more into them than they are into you, they’ve ‘won’ and there’s nothing interesting left to do. Worst of all, they have contempt for you for ‘losing’, which makes it easy to just sit back and treat you like shit, because in their mind you deserve it.
Match energy and match effort, and be prepared to walk at the first sign of disrespect. Sorry this happened to you and hope you’re okay.
Not all men .. I would disagree here
Yes. Especially if they are addicted to video gaming. Those ones have zero effort baseline.
It could just be that those guys just suck, but I’ll echo what others here are saying: men are expected to put in a ridiculous amount of effort at the start; it is not sustainable. If you also expect that, and you go for men doing that, you’re kind of setting yourself up for failure. Men are encouraged to go above and beyond, even when the women make little to no effort. Don’t believe me? Go on a dating app subs, and look at conversations men posted where the women made no effort. The man will be carrying the conversation, the woman barely does anything, and the comments will be stuff like: “you’re asking boring questions / those questions require too much though, keep it light / you need to ask more questions / it sounds like an interrogation, ask less questions / some women are just like this when texting, just ask her out with a time and place”.
Also, start noticing the women who always expect the men to plan the (interesting) dates, with time and place all set, while they just have to show up. If you expect that all the time in a relationship, you’ll most likely end up disappointed. Edit: There is even a woman in this thread that says it. She expects men to “woo” women for weeks, with no reciprocation or effort from the women. That is not sustainable, and most times the men will burn out and either lose interest and leave, or just stop making the effort.
I’m not saying all women, or even you, are like this. I’m just explaining why some men make so much more effort at the start, but that effort is not sustainable in the long term.
I can’t speak for everyone but my personal experience is that it takes women too long to reciprocate. If I’m the one always hitting you up first, if I’m the one who always has to plan dates, if I gotta make every single first move, eventually I’m gonna feel like I’m bothering you, and pulling away is the sign I’m about to end things.
You claim that men try hard in the beginning, but are you returning their energy in whatever way you can? Just showing up and looking nice isn’t enough. Reach out to him first sometimes. If there’s an event you’re interested in attending, ask him to come along. Be attentive, put in effort, take interest in who he is as an individual etc.
It’s fatigue. That type of effort is not sustainable in the long run, women take too long to open up and the guy keeps going at it until he’s mentally exhausted and that’s just around the time the women starts to come around and reciprocate but by then he’s checked out.
Speaking as a guy. I feel quite the opposite. As soon as a woman finds out i got rid of my baggage, red flags, and finally got my sh!t together they lose immediate interest or take advantage. I feel like I almost got to pretend to have some red flags to keep that from happening and kind of act like my old toxic self… it’s exhausting 😮💨
OP- ignore the men on this thread who feel personally offended by your post. What you’re mentioning is a real phenomenon that I (and my friends) also experienced.
I think many people view relationships as a performative act. Some may try to to “win” someone over- as opposed to developing the relationship organically. Sure, everyone wants to impress the person they are pursuing, but if there is a large difference in effort from start to middle (especially after you’ve opened up) it may point to emotional unavailability.
I have dated men who come on strikingly strong initially, but can’t reflect and get deep after the relationship continues to develop.
And for what it’s worth- I do think this occurs more often in men than women given societal norms of men being the pursuer and women getting chased. Plus- toxic masculinity culture can push men to hide their feelings, whereas women are expected and encouraged to express their emotions.
Most of my friends have felt that way after marriage or kids, myself included.
I would have never imagined my husband would start shouting at me during arguments, but after we had our son, he has. I reckon because he knows I won’t consider divorce as quickly as I would have before now that we have a child.
I cope with it by removing myself from the situation- I leave the room if he doesn’t speak to me nicely. But I digress.
I have a friend who likes spoiling herself. If her fiancé hasn’t bought her flowers recently, she will. She’s also the type to play with fire. If she is not getting attention from him, she will flirt shamelessly with other men and get compliments, flowers sent at work and what not from other guys.
Ask 100 women and they’ll have 100 different coping mechanisms and strategies.
I don’t mean to invalidate your experience. But maybe consider a man’s perspective. When getting to know you a man will ask you on dates. You might say “I don’t want to do that” or “I’m not available that day”. The man is learning things about you. Your interests and your schedule. So now he is going to filter his attempts to spend time with you accordingly. He will ask you to do things on days you are available. He will ask you to do things he thinks you will be interested in. The volume and variety of invitations will decrease. That’s not a lack of effort. That’s him trying to be specific in his efforts.
Grace. We need grace.
Sometimes we need to man up. Sometimes we are clueless.
But some of us will move mountains to make you happy if you help guide us. I’m sure it’s frustrating, but some guys out there really can learn to pick it up.
We just need to know
As someone who’s been guilty of doing this and have tried to figure out why this happens, I’ll offer my perspective. I don’t think it’s necessarily gendered behaviour but guys probably do it more.
They will take the role of pursuer early on and over-index on trying to “win” the other person over. There’s obviously some real connection and attraction that makes them want to enthusiastically pursue, but they’re maybe not paying enough attention to making sure the person they’re pursuing is a good match for them. I think once the person being pursued feels comfortable and opens up, the pursuer can become avoidant because they’re either scared of the commitment or they realize the person may not be a great fit for them.
I think it’s when oxytocin subsides x
Yes, because in the beginning men are initiating, planning, paying for everything you do together. This is unsustainable. We do not like doing all of the work and getting nothing in return. We step back to see if you are the type of woman who will follow our lead and give to the benefit of the relationship.
‘Afraid’ at first that I am not enough. As I feel more comfortable I try to show that. I do not take anyone for granted. If they feel I am taking them for granted, it is likely that their problems require more attention than I can give. I want to be comfortable in a reasonably equal relationship.
I deal with it by not trying to date anymore. Can’t continue to rebuild my heart after having it crushed.
I did the same thing with a girl, and in my case is just that I’m done chasing people.
I always text first, give ideas about what to do and when, try to keep the conversation alive and all only to be met with no interest unless I write first.
I get it, there’s people who prefer to start the conversation and people who prefer to let the other one do it, but honestly after we broke ice and talked for many days I think one could say even just “hi” and wait for a response.
I always feel like I’m forcing things, so I just back off.
On the other hand, if you keep replying with open ended answers, show genuine interest and try to start a conversation yourself (like I said, even just a single “hi”) I won’t stop.
This is the usual. People want the chase it’s ridiculous. Good luck
Please don’t specify this as a gender thing, I’m a male who’s had the same experience with women. Anywhere from date 2-4 they either ghost or decide that they’re too stressed with something in their life to date seriously. I’m someone who takes dating pretty seriously and I think many people of both genders think they’re ready for a serious relationship, that’s until they meet someone who actually is then realize that they aren’t quite there yet. Dating is just too casual nowadays from a combination of variables from promiscuity being promoted to dating apps giving people too many options and convincing them there’s always something better out there than the person who was willing to give them a shot.
That’s women too though so maybe it’s human nature?
It’s always been this way. The more experience you get, you start noticing this pattern and start to become numb to any effort they put in. It’s all for show. That’s why I try to keep it at the courting stage. I never let them truly ‘get’ me. The beginning is great. It’s downhill from there.
So many bitter men in the comments. Women take time to open up because of the type of men who OP is mentioning, not because it’s fun. Most women have had very negative experiences with men in dating and I’m not just talking about being ghosted or stood up but being coerced and straight up assaulted.
Yup, just dealt with the same thing again…