Women who had very high standards, did you ever lower them to find someone? What did you compromise on? When did you realize you needed to adjust?
August 3, 2025
EDIT: I understand having standards, but when if the standards are kinda selfish and childish like “must have money so I don’t have to work” and “must be hot (conventionally- not just to the person)”
33 comments
Nope. My cats and dog are more than meetings my companion standards and my vibrator exceeds my orgasm standards. I don’t need to adjust.
32. Can be open for dating but no need. Why should I dim myself for others?
Nope not once, and I did wind up finding someone.
It’s easy to find physical companionship if I want it, sex toys are readily available, I have pets, friends, hobbies and family to fill emotional needs. I don’t NEED a romantic partner, but they add spice to my life and so I was open to see if the right one came around. It took a few years and a lot of causal searching to find my fiance (who checks all the boxes and some I’d never even considered). I was told a lot that I should lower my standards, guys trying to convince me they’d grow on me over time, men thinking their dick could cure whatever was “wrong with me” for not wanting a relationship and getting upset when it didn’t.
I’m glad I waited. It’s worth waiting for a good partner. I’d have never truly been happy if I settled
Never lower your standards for anyone
No.
Fortunately my parents made sure the bar was set high. They also instilled a core belief in me that if I let a guy into my life they have to be a positive addition to an already full and colorful life. I am open to dating, but not willing to dim myself or lower my standards just to have a relationship
I’m not sure where you draw the line of very high standards, but I’ll explain mine “just high standards.”They have to be a good person and a good friend first. They have to be their own full person able to stand on their own feet and support/take care of themselves, but also be a team player because it does take two full people to make one relationship. I will stand equal to them, with the understanding with it cannot always be 50/50. Sometimes you have to pick up the slack while the other person struggles, that’s ok as long as it goes both ways and isn’t a habit. They must be interested in me BECAUSE of me, not just seeking a relationship and I happen to be around. They have to be ok with me only ever being 100% myself, I’ve never dimmed myself and I have no intentions of starting now or ever. I think I’m a pretty good cool person, but I’m also a strong flavor because I’ve never dimmed or diluted. Do they have passion and zest for life? Hobbies, spark, dreams and goals… Don’t do drugs, don’t smoke, don’t have a party lifestyle or addictions, I’m ok with someone drinking in moderation, even though I don’t
I don’t care what you do for work and how much you make, as long as you don’t hate it, won’t stagnate, and make enough to cover life. I don’t care what car you drive as long as it gets you there safely. I don’t care for suits, private jets, second homes, etc. in fact they are a turn off because I’ve never met a soul who has those things as is still a good, humble, and grounded person. And I value those things more than anything else. “Finance, trust fund, blue eyes, 6‘5“ is the dead wrong direction for me
As for how it’s going… I’m well on my way to being the epic aunt (biological and honorary) who shows up out of the blue every once in a while, tells you adventure lore better than what they make books out of, gives you a couple of exotic trinkets, and presses a $100 bill into your hand as I waft out the door again without anyone knowing where I’m going or when I’ll be back again
Haven’t lowered any standards, and have always been myself and I’ve got the man of my dreams tbh. But I also recognize that I probably don’t have the same standards as a lot of other people. I’m childfree, and not driven by money/success and career ambitions.
I actually didn’t find my person until I honored my standards. I was accepting men who I thought were “good enough”, and surprise surprise, they would often reject ME. lol.
Nope. Idc how old I will be married (or not at all). There’s no way I’d put my future children in the same upbringing as me. That ‘desperation’ to get married will never be worth the children’s well-being.
I don’t think of them as ‘high’ standards so much as pretty specific standards. Everyone prioritizes different things in relationships and it’s okay to have stringent preferences or requirements as long as you’re not a jerk about them.
I think the question of whether you should relax your standards comes down to: Would you rather be in a not-totally-satisfying relationship than be single? Some people genuinely would. Personally I’d rather be single, but it took me a long time to figure that out.
[removed]
I’m 40F and I’ve had some beautiful relationships with men who I still consider to be good friends, even though it did not work for me anymore.
I want someone who offers about the same as what I have to offer. And that is so freaking much that they usually don’t measure up. But like the others are saying: that’s not a problem at all. I’m happy on my own and have zero neediness.
Someone may cross my path someday, or they may not. All is good. I have everything I need and no one to hold me back or slow me down.
(Edit: so no. No lowering of standards. Not even by an inch).
Got higher standards and found a person who meets them. I’d say we both have higher standards.
Edit: I’m 40.
I didn’t find my forever partner until I started CONSISTENTLY honoring my standards. You may be inviting more people in when you lower your standards but you aren’t inviting QUALITY people.
I’d rather be alone than with someone im not compatible with
What you lower your standards for will eventually lower you.
Don’t do it.
Well I am pan, originally thought I would have to end up with a man. So standards seemed out of reach. Definitely possible. But like fewer options. Dating women makes those standards seem so basic now. But either way, no. Better to be single.
I lowered mine and found abuse and manipulation.
Raised them back and higher again and found some very high quality partners.
Narrowing it down now. I’m gonna be heartbroken one way or the other.
Why would I choose someone who does not offer what I offer? That is charity work and I already volunteer in my community (rewarding). What is not rewarding is allowing someone to receive all of the perks of me in their life and I am left drained!
The few times I adjusted my standards (age/education/appearance) I was always disappointed.
Stand strong by my standards after times of lowering them and ending up with trash.
Now my man is ticking every box and I’ll never expect anything less.
No, why should I? Why should I compromise on my hobbies or bodily autonomy or how I spend my money? Why should I tolerate rudeness or disrespect from their friends and family? Why should I sacrifice my peace for their presence?
If there’s one thing reading the relationship and AIT subs has reinforced for me, it’s that it’s better to be independent than tangled up with others.
No, the opposite, standards are getting more high. However, I started valuing different things; if before I would be attracted to charisma, initial charm and humour, now I hold my horses because those bright talkers usually are just that – bullshitters) I now only let a man closer if like how he behaves and when I see him acting on his promises
I think it was more learning what was important and my standards “shifting”
Not necessarily lowering them but figuring out what I really want
I lowered mine and found lies, abuse, and manipulation. I will never lower them again. Do not allow people access to you if they do not meet your standards. I would rather be alone for eternity than to lower them.
I dated someone off a dating app just to try it. He was a stretch as far as what I’d be interested in. He wasn’t very bright, thought Kurt Vonnegut was some superhero’s real name, and ate a lot of fast food. And he ghosted me after a few months.
I’m fine being alone in the absence of what I really want.
I think if there’s a standard you can compromise on, it’s not really a standard. And that can be useful for figuring out your needs vs your wants.
For example, I don’t need a dude with a master’s degree and a six figure income (though that would be lovely), I just need someone capable of critical thinking who can hold up his end of things. I don’t need someone who always handles every conflict perfectly, I just need someone who thinks things through and talks about things rationally. I don’t need him to look like a Marvel actor, I just need him to take care of himself and his appearance.
The standards I have now are simply things I can’t budge on. The bare minimum of an appealing partner.
I feel your question could be interpreted a few different ways. Like requirements for dating someone, dating someone who isn’t your type, or standards for what the relationship looks like.
Either way, I think it comes down to does the good that they bring outweigh the bad. Im not sure if the answer is as clear as I will never compromise on this. Except obviously something like abuse. But I think your asking about more surface level type of standards.
I will say that I just ended a relationship 2 weeks ago and I did try to compromise on my standards. And I may have continued to be willing to do so if he was willing to do weekly therapy. I hope that future me will hold onto my standards tighter than I want to right now.
When i compromised on my standards for the relationship, things got worse. And when I thought about my part in the dynamic, it was that I was allowing my standards to go out the window.
When our problems first started happening, the good still outweighed the bad, but then it got to a point where I started to be unhappy in all areas of my life.
I let my standards go out the window because I was holding onto to a time where he exceeded my standards. A time when our relationship was good. But eventually I came to the realization that I was giving him permission to treat me a certain way and that it was continuing to get worse. That if I wanted to be happy, then I had to remove myself because he wasn’t going to get better.
I still love him. I still wish he would show me a sign that he is willing to put forth the effort to fix things. But deep down, I know what I want my life to look like and it’s not what our relationship turned into.
If you are talking about more surface level stuff then I will say that I am normally hesitant to date guys with a wealthy upbringing because I worry that we would be too different and unable to truly connect. I would say this same guy that I just broke up with both proved and disproved that I shouldn’t consider guys that grew up in a wealthier environment.
I did grow comfortable being myself with him and I felt understood and there was and still is mutual love, and the money certainly led to cool places and experiences, but some of the problems that he had I think maybe stem from growing up with privilege.
Little problems were big to him. He had a lot of entitlement but also resented his privilege.
He thought that he was going to inherit a very successful company and be rich, and that didn’t play out. He still cries about it even though his parents have offered to fund any business any business he wanted to start. And the worst part, he acknowledges that he is blessed with privilege and that it is irrational for him to feel like a failure.
I am still undecided on whether or not I will date people who grew up drastically different from me.
Nope. Standards are standards for a reason. If I lower them? I’m only disrespecting myself. I’d rather be single than dissatisfied in a relationship – that sounds way worse.
No, nothing and never. I met the most wonderful person for me and never looked back.
I lowered them to keep someone. Until I realized that I’m pretty miserable when my bare minimum isn’t anywhere close to being met.
Never EVER again.
Last night he called to inform me that he misses me. I don’t miss explaining to him a billion times what my needs and wants are, all for him to just NOT DO THEM.
I don’t miss hearing “I don’t understand” and I don’t miss telling him 26 different ways to help him “understand”, just for him to pretend that any of that explanation did anything.
I don’t miss having to fight with myself over whether to say something (and risk the professional victim getting defensive because he can only handle praise) or not say something (and be miserable in silence, thus ENSURING that I’ll never get a need or want met.) I don’t miss hearing excuse after excuse, every justification under the sun to avoid just DOING THE THINGS.
I don’t want to think about how much of my life was wasted reminding this man of my needs and wants, my values, my standards, and I don’t want to think about how much life I wasted giving him the space to do the things and him just not doing them. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t miss wondering why he couldn’t own up to the reality that he wasn’t going to do the things. They weren’t a priority to him because he didn’t make them a priority. And he would NEVER volunteer that information. Look me in the eye and say, “I’m not going to have sex with you even though I know that’s what you want and need.” Or “I’m not going to plan a date or do something sweet for you, even though I know that’s what you want and need.”
I don’t miss him whining about how I didn’t give him positive feedback when he did something “good.” First of all, this isn’t kindergarten, the feedback would be in the relationship itself. Secondly, when did it become my job to train an adult? That’s not an adult relationship. And third, if you tell someone that you need meat every day, and they drop kick a tiny slice of spam that isn’t cooked, in your general direction, is that the same thing as the man who will grill you up a steak every single day, make a salad and side dishes and make sure there’s a dessert? So when you don’t even reach half ass level but you did TECHNICALLY accomplish something remotely related to a need, I have to praise you for *trying* (and give you positive reinforcement for something that still isn’t to my standards) or give you feedback that it hasn’t satisfied the need (and risk hearing “nothing is ever good enough” or “but what about when YOU…” or “we don’t ever talk about MY feelings.)
I don’t miss spending insane amounts of time and energy trying to motivate another human being to become something he obviously had no interest in becoming. And let’s be for real, all he had to do was own it, say he wasn’t going to do the work and he didn’t want to become a great partner or individual, and then leave me ALONE. But instead he doesn’t bother to come anywhere close to my standards but feels entitled to waste my time pretending we’re something that we’re not. To pass the time? To be entertained? Who knows. I do know that it SUCKS for me.
He misses being entertained and faking companionship with someone who he didn’t have to put an ounce of effort into. He misses not being alone. But that isn’t enough to drive him to change a single behavior.
My therapist, early on, told me that in order to be in a relationship with him, I would have to abandon everything I am. Destroy myself. That’s the only way to spend day after day not getting a single need or want met, and no amount of communication or time or anything would ever change that. Because HE would have to change that.
I don’t book a Red Roof Inn expecting a Four Seasons level of quality and service. And if I don’t want my life to be a proverbial Red Roof Inn, if I want a Four Seasons life, then I have to have standards that are at Four Seasons level.
Tl; dr: Just don’t do it. Have standards. If they are high, they are high. The right person will rise to meet them if they aren’t naturally that way. The wrong one needs to find someone who is less and wants less.
I didn’t realise I had ‘high standards’, but eventually found out that my league couldn’t attain the standard that I wanted.
I’m a POC at the bottom of the social construct, that has lived in 99.9% white areas for a lifetime. That in itself limited the dating options.
My friends treated me as an equal, however white men treated me disparagingly or as a disposable/low calibre/ option – a fetished sex toy, at best.
I was never seen as a person, just a colour (or stain, to most of them).
I eventually gave up on dating in my mid 30s, after having endless experiences of then men I was interested in (some not even my type or ideal!) ALWAYS go for objectively beautiful women. These women had vapid or no personalities, and some additionally had personal hygiene issues.
It made me realise that what men mostly only care about, is how close you are to the objective beauty standard (this was a scandinavian teenager with implants ‘aesthetic’, in my era of young adulthood).
I attract low calibre men every few years (tramp like hobo league men, that have little to no options) – and I no longer care.
The reason I’m unbothered is that as a result of ‘Prince Charming’ never presenting over a lifetime, I’ve become fully self reliant at 42.
I own my own home in an affluent area, with 75% equity – and I don’t wish to ever share my space or potentially lose it somehow, whilst my “husband” plays away.
I am no longer bothered about not satisfying the beauty standard, as is saves me time, money and energy to not bother wasting my time to doll myself up ; to be invisible either way, and to also to attempt to satiate the stupid male gaze (who cares!).
If I get dressed up etc – I do it to please myself. I couldn’t care less what men think.
At my age (42), I am now seeing a lot of friends that appeared to have ‘perfect’ fairy tale men and marriages – divorce and reveal that their marriage was a facade. And end up financially worse off than me, and struggling to find a dignified identity after a 15+ year marriage AND whilst they can no longer have their pick of men, given us all ageing. They are struggling with the start of becoming invisible to the male gaze, whereas I became unbothered years ago – and freed myself from superfluous stress.
I don’t mean to sound bitter writing this, but effectively not landing ‘the perfect man’, worked out for the best for me.
I don’t have children to have to stress me out , financially or otherwise. I realise when I see/hear tantruming children on the bus, that I don’t have the patience for kids, and also prefer not to spend my life savings on them.
If I want to go on a last minute trip, then I do so , as I wish. If I want to spend $5k on a handbag, I can do so, without having to take anyone else into account with my spending. If want to leave 100% of my wealth to charity- I can do so.
The brief relationship that I had was with a self involved opportunistic abuser – and I hated having to compromise on stuff like watching BS like Star Wars, cleaning up after a messy/dirty man child, etc (all aside from his abusive tendencies). I realised that all I gained was the social gravitas that came from how being partnered up looked from the outside , and nothing else.
At 42 and after a lifetime of being single, I’m feel free and not held by any shackles or regrets.
Being invisible for a lifetime, means I don’t have to be irked by cat calls, worry about sexual predators or waste time with being endlessly ghosted via dating apps etc.
I enjoy my job, like my colleagues, have great friends, like the stability of a good income and regular holidays and I celebrate ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I look forward to all of the opportunities that the rest of my life has to offer me, of which I feel are endless and extremely positive 💫
Never do it. You have to value your worth.
I realise that a bit to late
Stuck to them, since compromising can be a part of a relationship but basic things like kindness, open-mindedness, respect, (personally) not smoking ,etc. can be things that are important to you and that’s fine!! Also sure, materialistic high standards won’t get you crazy far – expecting someone to be financially independent is fair – so it depends on how you define “high” standards. I waited, was patient (did cry a lot before) and am blessed now.
I feel like i have pretty high standards i never had to lower them my husband meets all my needs
First of all: why is the requirement “must be handsome” a childish standard? Don’t settle for someone you arent attracted to! Thats a recipe for disaster!
Second: i don’t think i ever “lowered” my standard. It just changed with new experiences and age. When I started dating as a teenager I had no idea what a good relationship looks like. Stuff like emotional intelligence, vulnerability etc wasn’t really on my radar as a 16 year old. I had some bad experiences and learned better what I want and dont want. Where are my priorities and what makes me happy inside a relationship. It got to a point where I was single for 5 years because I was discouraged that nobody was meeting my standards. And I was okay with being alone. Then I met my husband at the end of my 20s and he checked boxes I didn’t even know I had. He raised the standard I thought I had. Looking back onto the relationships I had before him I can’t believe what treatment I accepted back then. But then again I had no clue what would be good for me. That only came with a lot of trial and error.
33 comments
Nope. My cats and dog are more than meetings my companion standards and my vibrator exceeds my orgasm standards. I don’t need to adjust.
32. Can be open for dating but no need. Why should I dim myself for others?
Nope not once, and I did wind up finding someone.
It’s easy to find physical companionship if I want it, sex toys are readily available, I have pets, friends, hobbies and family to fill emotional needs. I don’t NEED a romantic partner, but they add spice to my life and so I was open to see if the right one came around. It took a few years and a lot of causal searching to find my fiance (who checks all the boxes and some I’d never even considered). I was told a lot that I should lower my standards, guys trying to convince me they’d grow on me over time, men thinking their dick could cure whatever was “wrong with me” for not wanting a relationship and getting upset when it didn’t.
I’m glad I waited. It’s worth waiting for a good partner. I’d have never truly been happy if I settled
Never lower your standards for anyone
No.
Fortunately my parents made sure the bar was set high. They also instilled a core belief in me that if I let a guy into my life they have to be a positive addition to an already full and colorful life. I am open to dating, but not willing to dim myself or lower my standards just to have a relationship
I’m not sure where you draw the line of very high standards, but I’ll explain mine “just high standards.”They have to be a good person and a good friend first. They have to be their own full person able to stand on their own feet and support/take care of themselves, but also be a team player because it does take two full people to make one relationship. I will stand equal to them, with the understanding with it cannot always be 50/50. Sometimes you have to pick up the slack while the other person struggles, that’s ok as long as it goes both ways and isn’t a habit. They must be interested in me BECAUSE of me, not just seeking a relationship and I happen to be around. They have to be ok with me only ever being 100% myself, I’ve never dimmed myself and I have no intentions of starting now or ever. I think I’m a pretty good cool person, but I’m also a strong flavor because I’ve never dimmed or diluted. Do they have passion and zest for life? Hobbies, spark, dreams and goals… Don’t do drugs, don’t smoke, don’t have a party lifestyle or addictions, I’m ok with someone drinking in moderation, even though I don’t
I don’t care what you do for work and how much you make, as long as you don’t hate it, won’t stagnate, and make enough to cover life. I don’t care what car you drive as long as it gets you there safely. I don’t care for suits, private jets, second homes, etc. in fact they are a turn off because I’ve never met a soul who has those things as is still a good, humble, and grounded person. And I value those things more than anything else. “Finance, trust fund, blue eyes, 6‘5“ is the dead wrong direction for me
As for how it’s going… I’m well on my way to being the epic aunt (biological and honorary) who shows up out of the blue every once in a while, tells you adventure lore better than what they make books out of, gives you a couple of exotic trinkets, and presses a $100 bill into your hand as I waft out the door again without anyone knowing where I’m going or when I’ll be back again
Haven’t lowered any standards, and have always been myself and I’ve got the man of my dreams tbh. But I also recognize that I probably don’t have the same standards as a lot of other people. I’m childfree, and not driven by money/success and career ambitions.
I actually didn’t find my person until I honored my standards. I was accepting men who I thought were “good enough”, and surprise surprise, they would often reject ME. lol.
Nope. Idc how old I will be married (or not at all). There’s no way I’d put my future children in the same upbringing as me. That ‘desperation’ to get married will never be worth the children’s well-being.
I don’t think of them as ‘high’ standards so much as pretty specific standards. Everyone prioritizes different things in relationships and it’s okay to have stringent preferences or requirements as long as you’re not a jerk about them.
I think the question of whether you should relax your standards comes down to: Would you rather be in a not-totally-satisfying relationship than be single? Some people genuinely would. Personally I’d rather be single, but it took me a long time to figure that out.
[removed]
I’m 40F and I’ve had some beautiful relationships with men who I still consider to be good friends, even though it did not work for me anymore.
I want someone who offers about the same as what I have to offer. And that is so freaking much that they usually don’t measure up. But like the others are saying: that’s not a problem at all. I’m happy on my own and have zero neediness.
Someone may cross my path someday, or they may not. All is good. I have everything I need and no one to hold me back or slow me down.
(Edit: so no. No lowering of standards. Not even by an inch).
Got higher standards and found a person who meets them. I’d say we both have higher standards.
Edit: I’m 40.
I didn’t find my forever partner until I started CONSISTENTLY honoring my standards. You may be inviting more people in when you lower your standards but you aren’t inviting QUALITY people.
I’d rather be alone than with someone im not compatible with
What you lower your standards for will eventually lower you.
Don’t do it.
Well I am pan, originally thought I would have to end up with a man. So standards seemed out of reach. Definitely possible. But like fewer options. Dating women makes those standards seem so basic now. But either way, no. Better to be single.
I lowered mine and found abuse and manipulation.
Raised them back and higher again and found some very high quality partners.
Narrowing it down now. I’m gonna be heartbroken one way or the other.
Why would I choose someone who does not offer what I offer? That is charity work and I already volunteer in my community (rewarding). What is not rewarding is allowing someone to receive all of the perks of me in their life and I am left drained!
The few times I adjusted my standards (age/education/appearance) I was always disappointed.
Stand strong by my standards after times of lowering them and ending up with trash.
Now my man is ticking every box and I’ll never expect anything less.
No, why should I? Why should I compromise on my hobbies or bodily autonomy or how I spend my money? Why should I tolerate rudeness or disrespect from their friends and family? Why should I sacrifice my peace for their presence?
If there’s one thing reading the relationship and AIT subs has reinforced for me, it’s that it’s better to be independent than tangled up with others.
No, the opposite, standards are getting more high. However, I started valuing different things; if before I would be attracted to charisma, initial charm and humour, now I hold my horses because those bright talkers usually are just that – bullshitters) I now only let a man closer if like how he behaves and when I see him acting on his promises
I think it was more learning what was important and my standards “shifting”
Not necessarily lowering them but figuring out what I really want
I lowered mine and found lies, abuse, and manipulation. I will never lower them again. Do not allow people access to you if they do not meet your standards. I would rather be alone for eternity than to lower them.
I dated someone off a dating app just to try it. He was a stretch as far as what I’d be interested in. He wasn’t very bright, thought Kurt Vonnegut was some superhero’s real name, and ate a lot of fast food. And he ghosted me after a few months.
I’m fine being alone in the absence of what I really want.
I think if there’s a standard you can compromise on, it’s not really a standard. And that can be useful for figuring out your needs vs your wants.
For example, I don’t need a dude with a master’s degree and a six figure income (though that would be lovely), I just need someone capable of critical thinking who can hold up his end of things. I don’t need someone who always handles every conflict perfectly, I just need someone who thinks things through and talks about things rationally. I don’t need him to look like a Marvel actor, I just need him to take care of himself and his appearance.
The standards I have now are simply things I can’t budge on. The bare minimum of an appealing partner.
I feel your question could be interpreted a few different ways. Like requirements for dating someone, dating someone who isn’t your type, or standards for what the relationship looks like.
Either way, I think it comes down to does the good that they bring outweigh the bad. Im not sure if the answer is as clear as I will never compromise on this. Except obviously something like abuse. But I think your asking about more surface level type of standards.
I will say that I just ended a relationship 2 weeks ago and I did try to compromise on my standards. And I may have continued to be willing to do so if he was willing to do weekly therapy. I hope that future me will hold onto my standards tighter than I want to right now.
When i compromised on my standards for the relationship, things got worse. And when I thought about my part in the dynamic, it was that I was allowing my standards to go out the window.
When our problems first started happening, the good still outweighed the bad, but then it got to a point where I started to be unhappy in all areas of my life.
I let my standards go out the window because I was holding onto to a time where he exceeded my standards. A time when our relationship was good. But eventually I came to the realization that I was giving him permission to treat me a certain way and that it was continuing to get worse. That if I wanted to be happy, then I had to remove myself because he wasn’t going to get better.
I still love him. I still wish he would show me a sign that he is willing to put forth the effort to fix things. But deep down, I know what I want my life to look like and it’s not what our relationship turned into.
If you are talking about more surface level stuff then I will say that I am normally hesitant to date guys with a wealthy upbringing because I worry that we would be too different and unable to truly connect. I would say this same guy that I just broke up with both proved and disproved that I shouldn’t consider guys that grew up in a wealthier environment.
I did grow comfortable being myself with him and I felt understood and there was and still is mutual love, and the money certainly led to cool places and experiences, but some of the problems that he had I think maybe stem from growing up with privilege.
Little problems were big to him. He had a lot of entitlement but also resented his privilege.
He thought that he was going to inherit a very successful company and be rich, and that didn’t play out. He still cries about it even though his parents have offered to fund any business any business he wanted to start. And the worst part, he acknowledges that he is blessed with privilege and that it is irrational for him to feel like a failure.
I am still undecided on whether or not I will date people who grew up drastically different from me.
Nope. Standards are standards for a reason. If I lower them? I’m only disrespecting myself. I’d rather be single than dissatisfied in a relationship – that sounds way worse.
No, nothing and never. I met the most wonderful person for me and never looked back.
I lowered them to keep someone. Until I realized that I’m pretty miserable when my bare minimum isn’t anywhere close to being met.
Never EVER again.
Last night he called to inform me that he misses me. I don’t miss explaining to him a billion times what my needs and wants are, all for him to just NOT DO THEM.
I don’t miss hearing “I don’t understand” and I don’t miss telling him 26 different ways to help him “understand”, just for him to pretend that any of that explanation did anything.
I don’t miss having to fight with myself over whether to say something (and risk the professional victim getting defensive because he can only handle praise) or not say something (and be miserable in silence, thus ENSURING that I’ll never get a need or want met.) I don’t miss hearing excuse after excuse, every justification under the sun to avoid just DOING THE THINGS.
I don’t want to think about how much of my life was wasted reminding this man of my needs and wants, my values, my standards, and I don’t want to think about how much life I wasted giving him the space to do the things and him just not doing them. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t miss wondering why he couldn’t own up to the reality that he wasn’t going to do the things. They weren’t a priority to him because he didn’t make them a priority. And he would NEVER volunteer that information. Look me in the eye and say, “I’m not going to have sex with you even though I know that’s what you want and need.” Or “I’m not going to plan a date or do something sweet for you, even though I know that’s what you want and need.”
I don’t miss him whining about how I didn’t give him positive feedback when he did something “good.” First of all, this isn’t kindergarten, the feedback would be in the relationship itself. Secondly, when did it become my job to train an adult? That’s not an adult relationship. And third, if you tell someone that you need meat every day, and they drop kick a tiny slice of spam that isn’t cooked, in your general direction, is that the same thing as the man who will grill you up a steak every single day, make a salad and side dishes and make sure there’s a dessert? So when you don’t even reach half ass level but you did TECHNICALLY accomplish something remotely related to a need, I have to praise you for *trying* (and give you positive reinforcement for something that still isn’t to my standards) or give you feedback that it hasn’t satisfied the need (and risk hearing “nothing is ever good enough” or “but what about when YOU…” or “we don’t ever talk about MY feelings.)
I don’t miss spending insane amounts of time and energy trying to motivate another human being to become something he obviously had no interest in becoming. And let’s be for real, all he had to do was own it, say he wasn’t going to do the work and he didn’t want to become a great partner or individual, and then leave me ALONE. But instead he doesn’t bother to come anywhere close to my standards but feels entitled to waste my time pretending we’re something that we’re not. To pass the time? To be entertained? Who knows. I do know that it SUCKS for me.
He misses being entertained and faking companionship with someone who he didn’t have to put an ounce of effort into. He misses not being alone. But that isn’t enough to drive him to change a single behavior.
My therapist, early on, told me that in order to be in a relationship with him, I would have to abandon everything I am. Destroy myself. That’s the only way to spend day after day not getting a single need or want met, and no amount of communication or time or anything would ever change that. Because HE would have to change that.
I don’t book a Red Roof Inn expecting a Four Seasons level of quality and service. And if I don’t want my life to be a proverbial Red Roof Inn, if I want a Four Seasons life, then I have to have standards that are at Four Seasons level.
Tl; dr: Just don’t do it. Have standards. If they are high, they are high. The right person will rise to meet them if they aren’t naturally that way. The wrong one needs to find someone who is less and wants less.
I didn’t realise I had ‘high standards’, but eventually found out that my league couldn’t attain the standard that I wanted.
I’m a POC at the bottom of the social construct, that has lived in 99.9% white areas for a lifetime. That in itself limited the dating options.
My friends treated me as an equal, however white men treated me disparagingly or as a disposable/low calibre/ option – a fetished sex toy, at best.
I was never seen as a person, just a colour (or stain, to most of them).
I eventually gave up on dating in my mid 30s, after having endless experiences of then men I was interested in (some not even my type or ideal!) ALWAYS go for objectively beautiful women. These women had vapid or no personalities, and some additionally had personal hygiene issues.
It made me realise that what men mostly only care about, is how close you are to the objective beauty standard (this was a scandinavian teenager with implants ‘aesthetic’, in my era of young adulthood).
I attract low calibre men every few years (tramp like hobo league men, that have little to no options) – and I no longer care.
The reason I’m unbothered is that as a result of ‘Prince Charming’ never presenting over a lifetime, I’ve become fully self reliant at 42.
I own my own home in an affluent area, with 75% equity – and I don’t wish to ever share my space or potentially lose it somehow, whilst my “husband” plays away.
I am no longer bothered about not satisfying the beauty standard, as is saves me time, money and energy to not bother wasting my time to doll myself up ; to be invisible either way, and to also to attempt to satiate the stupid male gaze (who cares!).
If I get dressed up etc – I do it to please myself. I couldn’t care less what men think.
At my age (42), I am now seeing a lot of friends that appeared to have ‘perfect’ fairy tale men and marriages – divorce and reveal that their marriage was a facade. And end up financially worse off than me, and struggling to find a dignified identity after a 15+ year marriage AND whilst they can no longer have their pick of men, given us all ageing. They are struggling with the start of becoming invisible to the male gaze, whereas I became unbothered years ago – and freed myself from superfluous stress.
I don’t mean to sound bitter writing this, but effectively not landing ‘the perfect man’, worked out for the best for me.
I don’t have children to have to stress me out , financially or otherwise. I realise when I see/hear tantruming children on the bus, that I don’t have the patience for kids, and also prefer not to spend my life savings on them.
If I want to go on a last minute trip, then I do so , as I wish. If I want to spend $5k on a handbag, I can do so, without having to take anyone else into account with my spending. If want to leave 100% of my wealth to charity- I can do so.
The brief relationship that I had was with a self involved opportunistic abuser – and I hated having to compromise on stuff like watching BS like Star Wars, cleaning up after a messy/dirty man child, etc (all aside from his abusive tendencies). I realised that all I gained was the social gravitas that came from how being partnered up looked from the outside , and nothing else.
At 42 and after a lifetime of being single, I’m feel free and not held by any shackles or regrets.
Being invisible for a lifetime, means I don’t have to be irked by cat calls, worry about sexual predators or waste time with being endlessly ghosted via dating apps etc.
I enjoy my job, like my colleagues, have great friends, like the stability of a good income and regular holidays and I celebrate ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I look forward to all of the opportunities that the rest of my life has to offer me, of which I feel are endless and extremely positive 💫
Never do it. You have to value your worth.
I realise that a bit to late
Stuck to them, since compromising can be a part of a relationship but basic things like kindness, open-mindedness, respect, (personally) not smoking ,etc. can be things that are important to you and that’s fine!! Also sure, materialistic high standards won’t get you crazy far – expecting someone to be financially independent is fair – so it depends on how you define “high” standards. I waited, was patient (did cry a lot before) and am blessed now.
I feel like i have pretty high standards i never had to lower them my husband meets all my needs
First of all: why is the requirement “must be handsome” a childish standard? Don’t settle for someone you arent attracted to! Thats a recipe for disaster!
Second: i don’t think i ever “lowered” my standard. It just changed with new experiences and age. When I started dating as a teenager I had no idea what a good relationship looks like. Stuff like emotional intelligence, vulnerability etc wasn’t really on my radar as a 16 year old. I had some bad experiences and learned better what I want and dont want. Where are my priorities and what makes me happy inside a relationship. It got to a point where I was single for 5 years because I was discouraged that nobody was meeting my standards. And I was okay with being alone. Then I met my husband at the end of my 20s and he checked boxes I didn’t even know I had. He raised the standard I thought I had. Looking back onto the relationships I had before him I can’t believe what treatment I accepted back then. But then again I had no clue what would be good for me. That only came with a lot of trial and error.