35 male here, grew up on the east coast, spent 9 years in NC and currently live in oklahoma. had a vasectomy, greatly reduced the chance of children.
brother in connecticut, 2 kids. parents in virginia. they visit each other often, 5-6 times a year.
when they are together, i don’t get a phone call. zero texts, zero inclusion. and yet, im told that im missed. that i need to come visit.
yes, ive asked twice previously to be included and how it makes me feel when they don’t.
i don’t feel missed, at all. it’s really affecting my desire to want to put my life on pause to go visit when im able. i’m an afterthought, not even enough to pick up a phone and say what’s up, we’re all together, how are you?
how have yall been navigating these feelings? i know if i give into them, im up for a life of isolation, family wise. but its a struggle to swallow this pill and pretend like i wanna make efforts to see people who dont care enough about me.
feel free to ask for more context if curious
24 comments
Goes both ways. You need to reach out to them if you feel left out.
> when they are together, i don’t get a phone call. zero texts, zero inclusion. and yet, im told that im missed. that i need to come visit.
Why do you need phone calls and text messages every time your parents visit your brother and his family?
Truthfully, not so far.
I’m an only child and child free so far but have a large extended family that has always been close and at 36 I’ve remained pretty close to a good number of them and I have a role in their lives.
Is it possible that you’re just due a good reunion with them to kick everything back in to sync and rebuild the connection ? I know it might sound silly but maybe reach out and just be really to the point with them about it all.
100%. I’m unmarried, no kids and work from home full-time. I’m constantly told about family gatherings last minute and I’m assumed to always have an open schedule for everything because of my current status.
I have a kid. I’m also totally forgotten. Grandkids are more interesting than adult kids.
Yes, it’s the only thing my dad rewarded in anyone after my mom passed away. I never see him anymore.
Ask when the next visit is and whether you can join. Not all child free people want to spend time with kids. You can go visit them independently. Cost of travel for a family is more than a single adult. Maybe they didn’t think you’ll enjoy child centric itineraries. Don’t overthink it. Go visit your brother without your parents. Go visit your parents without your brother
Why don’t you go visit, especially since you don’t have kid responsibilities? Also, no offense, but no one wants to visit Oklahoma…
Similar situation. 35M no kids but sister has 2 kids my parents babysit. They are completely obsessed as grandparents. I have directly requested more time with my parents and that I would like them to visit (1hr drive) with no effort on their part. I ALWAYS have to go to them. Father’s Day I offered to meet half way for breakfast and instead of making the effort my dad just declined. All phone calls are instantly filled with talk of the grandkids. They have no clue about my life really despite me trying. I just accept it for what it is. Im also the oldest however will not forget this when it comes time to handle their affairs. My sister can take the lead, after all she got the free childcare and glory.
Respectfully this is an Oklahoma issue more than a no kids issue. If you wanna see family more move closer to em
As someone with no encumberances, youre going to be expected to be the one with the extra money or time to sacrifice for the connections you want. If you want connections its going to be on you and your responsibility to visit them. Your role is the generous and fun visiting uncle. You chose this role, you will not have equal time with your siblings anymore since they have children, they have a larger share of family time.
What’s stopping you from going to visit?
Nope. If anything I feel forgotten because I DO have kids and don’t have the time or energy to go see my family.
I’m also a 35 yr old male with a vasectomy and a brother in CT with 2 kids so that was weird to read.
But honestly, I don’t quite understand the reason for expecting them to call you when they’re together. What will that do? I’ve lived far from family for 15 years and never had that thought.
I’m actually thrilled if the family *doesn’t* reach out to me. But it took some time and effort to get there, and to be at peace with it.
When we do – rarely, thank goodness – get together, it’s so surface-y (no substance) and both my SILs are kind of intolerable and my mother is actually a pretty well-defined narcissist. My bro’s wife (SIL 1) tends to be a big bitch and tries to control everyone and everything the entire time, and she talks constantly about how much money they have. And SIL 2 is divorced, and a man-hater. My dad died in 2013.
So I’m low-contact with the fam for quite a few reasons.
If your family isn’t meeting your emotional needs, it may be healthier for you to focus on building your own family via friends who care for you on a deeper level than your family might. Blood is not necessarily thicker than water.
Also when some of my family members get together we don’t typically call the ones who aren’t there unless it’s like, Christmas or something. I’m not sure why that’s a triggering behavior for you, but feeling left out might stem from more than just recent events, it might be from old, unhealed childhood wounds. You might consider therapy (I know, Reddit default) but it can be very helpful to see a family therapist to help you explore the hurt(s) and put things into perspective. I’ve had therapy myself and it was very beneficial in understanding what was driving my feelings (and who was driving them: primarily my mother), and to actually recognize and accept that I’ll never have the family I would want. I *do* have a supportive, loving partner and great friends (because I’ve made / worked on / put my energies toward those relationships, rather than the disappointing, painful, or empty ones of my family), and life is good, better than I ever thought it would be. So you don’t have to live ‘a life of isolation’ if you step away from the family. You can build your network by choice, and you can still be loved and supported.
I think it’s really hard for men to be open emotionally and take an honest look at how they’re feeling, because you guys are socialized so much to *not* do that. And sometimes even introspection and emotional intelligence can only get a regular person so far, we may not even realize the root of the issues, but professional guidance can take you further, it may be painful to bring up / examine old wounds or admit vulnerabilities, but I firmly believe it’s much better to address that shit than to let it fester. This is part of the path to self-fulfillment. We all have needs for contact and for interactions with others. But being able to address our emotional deficits – no matter where they came from – and make peace within ourselves, despite how many friends / family members we have in our lives, really gives one a true healthy independence that can’t be taken from you, no matter who is, or isn’t, in your life.
I’m sorry this is so long. I feel very strongly about family issues and therapy, and I think a lot of men struggle more than women with this, because the societal expectations and support structure for men are very different than for women. And yes I’m female, but many men can, and have, benefited from professional help, my husband included. It’s been life (and relationship-) changing for both of us, him maybe more so than me even, and he’s much happier and more at peace with his family and his life now.
I also want to say that you have value whether or not you have children, and I’m sorry you don’t feel that from your loved ones. I wish I could give you a big hug, and I hope you can find your way to happiness.
It’s always about the kids. At this point, there’s no commonality. And when there are no kids, you’re the one that has to travel. When it comes down to it, many of us are just not THAT interesting. Ive always found if I’m not maintaining relationships? Few people put in the effort to visit. Sure they’ll pick up the phone, but that’s where it ends.
When I live my life and act in my relationships the way I want people to act toward me, I have a behavior I can pattern match to. So when people show up exhibiting those behaviors, I can recognize them and understand that I have found my people.
My people don’t include the members of my family of origin, but they don’t need to.
They are living their best lives and I don’t need them to be different in order to be OK.
Show up to your family the way you think is right and let go of their behavior, it really isn’t all about us, even though we get comfort from feeling that it is.
Goes both ways. They also want to spend time with their grandkids. Since the majority of the family is over there, and you have less responsibilities, it’s more reasonable that you go out to see them. Also I see quite often people that complain about lack of inclusion often being guilty of it themselves and the connection dies over both parties thinking the same thing but wanting the same thing
Only child and gay. I have no issues being forgotten. I have met my family and their kids and honestly I would rather not, they visit the city and do all the dumb shit. I tried to do it, I lost patience, I prefer it I have my chosen family. But if you want inclusion you need to make an effort, moving far away from them and near nothing of remote interest to your family kinda sealed the deal on this. Whatever reason you moved out there’re for I hope it’s worth your while…
I have been always forgotten, so it’s no change, lol.
Lmao… I guess good for you for having a family that you want to be around more often.
I am not a big fan of family trips. I like my friends more.
Idk, man. I have the opposite. I feel like our family *doesn’t* invite us because we have kids. I’m sorry for you. There’s gotta be more behind their feelings.
You sound like you don’t want to be inconvenienced at all and want them to put in all the effort. Your phrase saying you don’t want to “put your life on pause and go visit” tells me you don’t want to be included because you see visiting them as an inconvenience. They literally told you they want you to come, but they have everything happening at their house. That makes a lot of sense if they have kids because they can do bedtime and keep hanging out; it makes it much more convenient compared to visiting someone elses house. You aren’t putting in the necessary effort to find out the days and times. You need to ask and you need to show up. Stop resenting people when it is your behavior that needs to change
The decision to not have children is fine, but keep in mind you don’t have the kids so you don’t have much control over the community and how it works. People who have kids will always have the control over that because they literally are the center of community since they have people. Learn to be okay with solitude or learn to put effort into being part of a community by actively putting in effort to contribute as well as be included. You literally chose this life by choosing to be childfree, so learn to be happy with your choice
I’m 37M, single and no kids. My parents, siblings and their families all live on the other side of the globe. I make sure I keep in touch with them.
You need to ask yourself how much effort are YOU putting into being involved with them and their lives.