Just throwing out a thought I’ve been sitting with for a while — when people talk about how hard or exhausting dating is these days, especially through apps, is the problem us, or is it the platforms we’re using?
I don’t have a definitive answer, but here are a few things I’ve noticed and wondered about:
- Too many options, too little meaning? Dating apps have definitely opened up our worlds — you can now meet people you’d never cross paths with otherwise. That’s incredible in theory. But in practice, it feels like we’re swiping through dozens, maybe hundreds of profiles in a sitting. I don’t know if there’s research on this, but something about it feels strangely mechanical. Like you’re flipping through trading cards rather than meeting people. It brings about a level of detachment that I can't explain but definitely does not seem too exciting and healthy. Previously, people would have a crush on someone they liked, let that take hold and grow further before you mustered up the courage to ask them — during that entire time, you were pretty much thinking about them only. If they said yes to going out with you, that already had a higher chance of succeeding. Now it feels the opposite, you spray the bullets as far and wide as you can, and work backwards in terms of falling in love with someone.
- Skewed dynamics and rising expectations. The gendered experience on dating apps seems very different. Women often get a flood of matches and messages, while men might get far fewer — so the level of availability and interaction can feel wildly different. But strangely, both sides complain: “No one knows how to have a conversation.” Yet everyone also has a list of what not to say — “Hey” is lazy, “How was your day?” is boring, and anything remotely polite is “unoriginal.” In real life, that’s literally how we start talking to someone. But in the app world, where attention is fleeting and competition is high, people are expected to show up with stand-up comedy level hooks just to hold a conversation for 10 minutes. That is, if you get a match to begin with. It feels more like HR recruitment, trying to make it through the funnel; apply to 100 jobs, you may hear back from 5, you may clear 3 recruitment stage interviews, you may get to the hiring manager for 1. Throughout, the entire funnel, you basically need to keep hitting it out of the park.
- Two currencies: Hotness and Wit. Apps tend to reward two things above all: being attractive and being witty. Which is fine, but not everyone is witty or hot. Some people are curious, or gentle, or nerdy in the best way, or deeply empathetic. These are amazing human qualities — but they don’t come across well in a profile limited to six photos and three 200-character prompts. If you’re not photogenic or a master of quirky one-liners, good luck. It feels like the medium itself can flatten out the full spectrum of who people are.
- Social media is making us overly sensitive? There’s also a whole ecosystem of content — on TikTok, Instagram, Reddit — about dating “green flags,” “red flags,” what counts as a “low effort man” or a “walking ick,” how to walk out of a date if they order sparkling water, etc. And while some of it is probably helpful, a lot of it seems to be making us overly analytical, overly cautious, or just on edge. We’re walking into situations half-expecting to be disappointed — or judged. And you have to actively fight that notion from the get-go. That’s a tough headspace to find connection in.
So that’s where I’m stuck: Are dating apps just a mirror, amplifying stuff that already existed in the way people approach relationships? Or have they fundamentally altered how we interact, evaluate, and connect, turning something deeply human into a transactional, exhausting game?
Would love to hear thoughts; especially from people who’ve dated both online and offline. Have you felt a shift in how we date — or is it just more visible now?