This is kind of a throw away account. I know it's like a month old, which is because when making my actual account I used the wrong email. But now this has a use, so here we are.
For context, my bf and I have only been together for 4 months, and we're long distance. I'm not asking about any advice on that, I understand it's not that long of a time. However, I've never felt this good in a relationship. I've been in more than I'm willing to admit, both long distance and in person, and not once has any of them ever made me feel this safe.
Now for the actual talk. My bf and I met through me posting nudes on here. Kinda of obscure, but it's what happened. I started posting as a way for validation. Growing up, I had an extremely mentally and emotionally abusive father. Every day I was reminded of how worthless I was, or how I never did anything, or how lazy and disgusting I was, and he was always yelling. Alongside that, I went through a lot of bullying in school. I started my period at the age of 10, and thus grew a decent sized chest before I even hit middle school (which is grades 6-8 here. I also went into school late, and was the oldest in my class). It was hell. Due to all of this, I'm extremely insecure. I also have anxiety and depression and some other illnesses. I don't know if any of this stuff is relevant, but I feel like it might be.
In our relationship, we're extremely open about everything. What we're doing, who we're with, what we're looking at, etc. Everything. I have complete faith in him. We're usually on face time as well, or just usual calls. On top of this, we've both had extremely bad experiences with cheating, and are both headstrong on that. I do not consider what I'm going to mention as cheating.
The problem here is porn, which may have been guessed. Obviously he's interested in porn, given we met through me posting nudes. When we got together, I asked him if he would prefer I took my photos down, as I respect his opinions. The answer was yes. He said that I could obviously keep them up if I wanted to, as it was my choice, but that he preferred I took them down, as he wanted me all to himself (which I find reseasonable, given we're in a relationship. Same way for me). So I did, I took them down essentially immediately.
We both have high sexual needs, and thus do what we can given the distance. This essentially includes sexting, phone sex, or videos and pictures of ourselves sent to one another. I understand that's not exactly safe, but that's not the point here. Given that this is how it works for us, we both have so much of each other. So many videos. So many photos. Yet the thing is, is that he still regularly views porn. I don't think he actively searches it, but it definitely pops up on his feed. I'll ask him what he's doing and he'll say he's scrolling reddit. I ask if there's anything interesting (he's an avid gamer, so most of his feed is different games). But his response sometimes lands on a sigh and then something along the lines of "big tiddies" or "hot women." This is where the issues come in.
As I mentioned above, I'm insecure. I know it's something I need to work on, but it's not something that can be fixed over night. My brain is also just messy. On one hand, I have no issue with him viewing these things. I don't want to control what he does or what he views. I want him to feel comfortable and free to do as he pleases, given it's not outside of our respective boundaries. Porn is not an issue in my head. If you need to get one out, help yourself. You shouldn't have to wait on me. However, on the other hand, it makes me feel like shit. I obviously don't know what goes on in his head, I can't control that. So when he looks at these women, is he thinking about me? Or them? And why is he looking at them when he has so much of me? It makes me feel like I'm not enough. I don't like the thought of him getting horny to a woman other than me, which I feel is reseasonable, and I follow it as well. Other men don't turn me on. The porn I have on my phone is stuff he's interested in. If it shows up, my thoughts immediately go to him and I doing it. I don't know if he views this the same way.
He spends as much time with me as my schedule allows. And after every photo or video, he talks about how he'll never be able to get enough of me. If I'm not feeling it, he gets a little bummed, but he's respectful every single time. He shares just as much, if not more, content of himself. This is very much a trusted two-way thing.
I just don't know how to get past this point of feeling like I'm not enough because he views these things. I know that ultimately I just need to talk to him about it, that communication is 100% key. But I don't know how to talk to him about it. I'm pretty sure he's picked up on how I feel, because I kind of go quiet when he tells me what he's viewing, and he'll immediately ask if I'm okay. He'll keep asking until I convince him or he lets it go. I don't like that I'm lying to him about how I'm feeling on this, but I have no idea how to talk about it. Please help me. Also I'm so sorry if this just seems like useless extra information or me rambling, I'm kind of all over the place. If you have any questions or need something clarified, I will do my best to respond. Thank you for reading and potentially commenting.
tl;dr: My bf and I are long distance, and I'm kind of insecure due to past trauma. He views porn regularly, which he is completely honest about. We have high sexual desires, and therefore do what we can with our distance (phone sex, sexting, videos/photos sent to each other). We both have a massive amount of content on one another, so him viewing something that's not me makes me feel like I'm not enough, but I don't know how to talk to him about it.