Looking for some advice here. My (26F) emotions are all over the place and I’m really struggling.
My relationship with my mother (60F) has always been very strained. I even went no contact with her for approximately 2 years. Decided to let her back in because I was hoping things would change. My whole life she has been very self centered and emotionally manipulative. She has no understanding of boundaries and never apologizes for anything and to anyone.
Two recent events, on top of the small, everyday things, have put me at my breaking point and I can’t decide what to do.
- Wedding dress shopping
At the first appointment I was so nervous about how my mother was going to behave. It went perfectly, but I think it’s because there were so many witnesses there and she wanted to maintain a certain image. For the second appointment, I met up with my mom so we could go to the store together. The plan was to go back to the store from the first shopping trip to look at dresses again and possibly say yes to the favorite from the first trip. My mother starts going on and on about how the bridal consultant was a “bimbo,” the dresses I tried on were “ugly” and “horrible,” and I looked “fat” in all of them but one. (Mind you, I just lost 55lbs and my BMI is now normal). I try to ignore her. When we get to the store and sit to wait in the lobby, she starts in on the same stuff again. I immediately tell her to stop, that I picked all the dresses I tried on and that I chose to share them with everyone because they made me feel beautiful, and she was hurting my feelings. That shut her up, but only because in that moment my FMIL (56F) walked in. I ended up having a bad panic attack and chose to buy the dress my mom said didn’t make me look fat just so I could get out of the store and go home.
Note: I’ve since gone dress shopping again without my mom and bought a dress I truly love. I’m happy I got to have a positive bridal experience but sad I couldn’t have the same experience many brides get with normal mothers.
- My birthday
ATM I live at home with my mom as I transition between an old apartment and a new apartment. On my birthday she comes into my room, spends about 5 minutes talking about herself, says “oh yeah happy birthday,” keeps talking about herself, blah blah blah. Story of her life- all she does is talk about herself. She says that my birthday present is that her and her husband are going out to dinner to eat fish since I hate the smell. She and her husband, who then appears, start laughing, and they walk out. When they get back from dinner, I offer her a piece of the cake I baked from scratch and she scoffs and says “yeah, uh, no.” Attempts to offer her cake since then have ended similarly. No she is not allergic, on a diet, anything like that.
My whole life my mother has only cared about herself. Any argument ends in her saying I’m ungrateful because she worked hard to raise me, deal with my bio dad, etc and that I need to knock it off. Time and time again I try to let her in and she disappoints/hurts me.
At this point I don’t want her in my life and I don’t want her at my wedding. She will find a way to make a day that is supposed to be about me and my fiance into a day about her and make me miserable.
Has anyone else cut contact with a parent before their wedding? What was the fallout like? Any advice? Thanks in advance…
TL:DR My mother has been emotionally traumatizing me my whole life. She recently ruined wedding dress shopping for me and hurt my feelings on my birthday. These are just two recent examples of a long list of things she has done. I previously went no contact with my mom for two years but resumed contact hoping things would be different. Again, I want to cut contact with her and uninvite her from my wedding. Has anyone else done that? What was the fallout? Any advice?