I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible, but I really could use some advice. I have cross-posted this as I know my husband isn’t on reddit.
My husband and I both grew up on the East Coast and left for the West Coast after college. We met in our large West Coast city, got married, adopted two dogs and had a baby, all out West. We both had fairly successful careers, had a wonderful daycare and lived in a pretty inexpensive city with an amazing support network.
Here’s where it gets tricky. My husband’s career is within the professional sports realm – not as a player, but on the coaching side. It’s a small field, so I’ll keep it a bit vague. My husband was second in charge of a well-respected and popular minor league, but over the winter he was offered a position being third in charge of a major league team. This was a huge opportunity for him, so we moved our family to a new home a couple of states over.
I HATE it here. The cost of living is very high and we are genuinely struggling. Our rent is nearly $5000 a month for an apartment and while he makes decent money, the gap is killing us. We financially are barely making ends meet. I had to quit my career and took a remote job making 1/2 what I used to. I am, career-wise, incredibly unfulfilled. We cannot afford daycare ($2000+ per month) so I’m working and being a full time caregiver. It’s exhausting.
My husband works 14-21 days on, 2 off, and 10-14 hour days, in season. Most days he leaves for work by 4a and isn’t home until 430-5p. He works hard and his boss is difficult – there’s alot on the line for his field. He wants to do well and has promised that this move is temporary and in 2 years he should be offered a big promotion, if all goes well. I cannot do two years of this.
My 2-year old wakes up before 6a, I take the dogs out, make breakfast and I try to work for the first couple of hours while he plays. I take an early lunch so we can go to a playground for an hour, before he has lunch and takes a nap. I then work as much as possible until he wakes up. I make dinner, give him a bath, put him to bed, walk the dogs and then finish the work I couldn’t during the day. My husband comes home, takes a shower, eats the dinner I prepare and then needs to “relax” after his long day – if I ask, he will help pick up toys or give out toddler a bath, but it’s rare. I’ve asked him to take over the dogs nightly walk – he will become incredibly upset because he doesn’t think it’s fair that he takes the dogs out at 8p when he needs to be up by 315a. He hasn’t done a single load of laundry in 3 months, has been grocery shopping solo exactly once and hasn’t attended a single speech therapy session with our child. Weekends aren’t a help, since he works. I feel so guilt-ridden at having to work and care for our child so I spend the weekends trying to do big adventures to make up for it. When he does have a weekend off, he’s tired and just wants to hang out on the couch.
We have no support here. Our families live on the other side of the country and come to visit once every 6 months. My mom is taking our child for two weeks at the end of the month, which I’m so grateful for. There’s no one who can just watch our toddler, but we couldn’t afford it even if there was. I’ve asked, begged, cried, pleaded for help and threatened to leave, to try to get my husband to assist, but he won’t. He says he’s under so much stress, he’s doing the best he can…but he has one responsibility – his job. The worst part is that I’m supposed to work, provide full time care and contribute more than 1/2 financially for our family.
I’ve dreamt about just getting in my car with my dogs and child and just moving back in with my mom. Being a single parent is starting to seem appealing because at least there wouldn’t be any illusion of another person being able to help. We have had sex exactly once in the last three months. For Mother’s Day he bought a non-mothers day card (because they were sold out on the morning of, who knew) and a grocery store plant, for Easter he started a fight about filling and hiding eggs, for our child’s birthday, he didn’t order a single item, didn’t buy him a present and threw a fit about decorating which ended up in me crying the night before his birthday. On Christmas Eve, he didn’t want to put together toys for our son, leaving me to do it in our old basement, alone.
I tried again last night to ask for help, to explain how much is on my plate, and he got so defensive and shut down. He angrily took the dogs for their nighttime walk and then went to bed and slammed the bedroom door while I finished work.
Is there a reason to stay? How can I fix this? Should I fix this? Any advice would be amazing…
TLDR: husband’s career is more important than his family.
24 comments
He has decided that the career is more important than the marriage or the kid right now. You need to take care of yourself and your child first. And then you can decide what you want to do with the marriage.
And you can’t fix it alone. Remember he does not see an issue here. So go move in with your mom get you and your kids stable and then you can figure out what to do next. And maybe after you move, your husband will eventually come around, but he may not.
You need to express to your husband that you’re at the end of your rope and you might consider if financially you can make it work for you to move in with your parents out east with your dogs and your husband finds a cheap room mate situation place where you are and you live apart for the 2 years while you think if you want to continue this marriage.
Pack up your kid, perhaps the dogs as well and go home to Mama for awhile. You’re burning out and it isn’t fair. He will either fight for a reconciliation and make some changes, or he won’t. But you’ll be where you feel supported, which is what you need right now.
Do it!
Get in your car and go.
Wait a month, go through his phone, set some money aside.
Be nice and sweet and…
Leave.
He’s putting rocks in your pockets while you’re trying to swim and hold the baby above the water.
Having been in a very similar situation, I can tell you that it won’t get better. I feel your pain vividly in this post. He’s not going to change. He’s nearly 40 and has no desire to do his share, or share in the joys of having a child. He’s immature and needs to grow the fuck up (but I can guarantee that at this age, he likely never will). It was hard for me at first, but caring for my son alone is so much better than caring for him AND trying to keep my husband happy/participatory. In a true partnership, you should be working in tandem. You’re the only one trying to do anything and he’s just along for the ride. Sending good thoughts your way with whatever path you choose to take.
Go go go go go!! Good luck.
You ask; how can *I* fix this. The answer is; you cannot. A marriage is a partnership. What your husband has currently is a maid and a cook. How nice for him! He has expressed that he “can’t” (read: will not) put in any effort. You work remotely. I would go and stay with my mom. Let him figure out what life feels like when he has to take care of himself.
Yeah, you’ve reached out. You’ve tried, really tried. I think it’s time you save yourself and your kid, because he will not.
If I were you, I would start packing it in. Get your ducks in a row and then tell your husband you need a break from this situation.
And maybe it is just a break, but maybe not.
Once you’re safely tucked away, your mind will have more time to reflect on the situation, and you can make logical choices♡ (Your husband, too. Maybe he’ll realize he’s fucking up his family and redirect or maybe he’ll realize life is easier as a solo man)
You need space to breathe, consider, and dream. Give yourself and your marriage that space.
Whatever you want to do or decide for the future, one thing is certain: you’re burnt out. In that kind of state, any decision taken will most likely not be the optimal one.
You have said you want to just hop on the car and drive to your family. I’d say do it! Bask in their support and heal yourself well before deciding the way to the future. Husband may or may not fight you or try to reconcile, but how he handles this will also help in telling you whether there’s anything salvageable in your relationship or not.
I’m confused. Third in charge in a major sports league–if it’s one of the majors and not niche–should pay a lliving wage on a single salary. I’m not saying it would be glamorous, but you should be able to afford housing and childcare. As for the hours, those are what come with the territory. I’m finding it hard to believe that wasn’t the case when he was in charge in the minors. I’ve been in the life and we all know that’s how it is during the season and even after there’s only a small break before draft and then after before training for the new season begins. If your husband is looking at this for his long term career then you need to really ask yourself if you can handle that life. Sure it’s fun when they win championships, but all those other years you’re still left alone with the kid(s). Only you can decide if it’s something you’re willing to deal with.
You cannot work full-time and do full-time caregiving. It’s not fair to you, your job, your kid, or your marriage. You don’t just need “help,” you need a radical solution. I would strongly advise that during the time your son is with your parents, when you have some more brain space, you start to figure out what you would need to make your life more livable. Maybe you spend your savings or borrow money so you can stop working and can take care of your son full-time and build community where you are. Maybe you and your son move in with your parents and your husband joins you when he’s in the off-season. Maybe you commit to finding a different job that can cover day care, if you’d prefer not to stay home. Maybe you figure out how to break your lease and find a less expensive place. Maybe you find a loving home for the dogs.
Make a few concrete plans and tell him what you’re considering, and see what he says.
Honestly, it sounds like he’s regretting the move, too, but is trying to do everything he can to make it pay off some day. This might be making him miserable on the inside and, instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, he’s lashing out at you.
I’d just straight up ask him if he’s happy in the new job and push for him to really answer that question.
In the meantime, though, a trip to your mom’s is probably a good idea.
Honestly, have you thought about going back to your mom’s temporarily? I remember my dad got a job when I was 4, and he moved a month or so before the rest of us to go get set up. So obviously this wouldn’t be a month, but maybe the inverse of that. If this is your person, but you’re both burning out and not working well together, but it’s circumstance, not values, why not press pause on building the life together, for now? A lot of people do make temporary long distance work in situations like this, where they’re trying to get it together so they’re not barely surviving. Maybe he can downsize to a studio for a while so he can save, and you can go back to your lucrative career and save, so down the road, you can come back together.
Of course the most important thing is what works for everyone, but you can’t be there for your kid, your dogs, or yourself while you’re this beat to shit, and he clearly has a lot on his plate right now too, and doesn’t seem a way to fix it in the short term. And if you hate this idea, then maybe it isn’t working out. It’s up to you whether you can keep living how you are, but there’s no shame in doing what improves your life, and mental health.
If your husband works hard and is successful, his next job will likely involve MORE stress and longer hours, not fewer. He has shown he does not want to change, so don’t sit around hoping for the next two years that things will magically be better when he someday gets that promotion. There might be more money, but the hours and the stress, and the complete lack of interest in you and your son will continue if not get worse. Make your decisions based on reality, not hope.
the only difference between your life and a single parent’s is that you also have to clean up after a grown man who treats your exhaustion like a nuisance.
you’re not required to stay in a constant state of abandonment and you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave.
in short, if crying and begging don’t reach him, maybe court papers will.
i’m really sorry you’re going through this
Leave. Pack your stuff when he’s at work and leave. File for divorce when you get back to your old state.
Is he open to therapy? If yes, try the approach called Emotionally focused therapy. Unless your husband has completely given up, it has a 70% success rate (with a skilled, certified therapist). Good luck!
Well if it was me- I’d quit the job. You can’t do it all. He’s being selfish and he’s not listening and maybe the lack of income coming in would wake him up. Tell him you got fired and are not going to get another job because you can’t do it all. You will focus on raising your son. Then let him figure it out. He dragged you there and this is his dream. Let him figure it out and stop allowing him to get away with blowing everything else off because he knows you’ll pickup his slack. And if that still doesn’t make him have a decent converstation about this situation and spark some change then leave.
I’m sorry to say this, but he will not change. The fact that he has put you in this situation and doesn’t seem to see the problem is very troubling. Sadly, it will only get worse. He will get another promotion, and it will be something else. You and your son are not the priority and never will be. It never gets any better. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Be advised that if you stay you are in for a life of heartbreak, loneliness, and disappointment for you and your son. I speak from experience. 😭😭😭
You are either in this life together, or you are in this life apart.
If you do not want to be there, then go and whatever happens will just be a consequence of your actions. So stay and support him or go and look after yourself – it’s your decision.
He has the life he wants, why would he change it? What if he’s waiting for you to accept it and stop complaining?
Did I read this right? You’re somehow contributing half or more to the family finance, do all the childcare, pet care and house work. I know money isn’t everything and people value their career for other reasons but it seems stupid at this point. He’s working long hours, bringing less money, dumping all other life responsibilities on you and has the balls to get angry when you ask for help. At this point, you really should just leave because you already are a single parent, to your 2yo child, your 2 dogs and him. At least when you’re legally a single parent, you can get rid of the responsibility you have toward him. I get stressed from reading this. It’s amazing how much shit people can go through, I’m amazed you haven’t ended up in the hospital from stress and exhaustion.
EDIT: if you decide to leave (I hope you do, even just as temporary separation), ask your family to come out and help with the move in case he decides to make things difficult. I’m not saying he’ll get violent or anything like that, but he might just cause issues and it’ll be hard for you to pack up with a baby and 2 dogs while he’s trying to stop you.
As someone also in sports (also keeping it vague), I think you should see if you can get your old job back and move back to the west coast. Many families in sports live apart during the season. It’s tough but not at all abnormal. If your husband has an opportunity to one day be making a lot more money but currently is not, you can do what you can to keep your family afloat from afar. It’s better than growing to hate each other while being together.
I’m sure he does care. But sports is a really ruthless industry and he probably really wants to make it. If he feels like he’s failing his family it’s going to make him defensive.
If you can move back to your old home and he can get a cheaper place where he lives, it frees you both so much. You can have childcare and a network again. He can focus on his job and actually get to miss you and the baby. Again, it’s not easy, but it may save your relationship and may not be for all that long if things go to plan.
Feel free to dm me, I’ve been a part of this world for a long time.
So husband has taken a job that is lucrative? It should be with those hours. You’re working part-time? I don’t get it. What is the household income and what is the rent of an average house in an average neighbourhood in this town?
I think you guys need to look at your finances, your cost of living and expenses. Things are not adding up here. You *should* have a good household income, possibly a very good household income, but you are struggling financially.
The second issue is him. “On Christmas Eve, he didn’t want to put together toys for our son” – your average worn-out husband that’s been up since three thirty am groans and drags themselves over to the toy and assembles it. Sounds like he’s working too hard (see my thoughts about his remuneration) or he’s being a little bit of an ah and you need to be a little more assertive and get him to understand his role here. To be fair though, he is stretched thin if he is getting up at 3:30am.
Have a look at ways to reduce costs significantly. Reconsider his so-called dream job. Stop with the big weekend adventures – you’re only piling more demands on yourself.