I think I (35M) and my husband (27M) have fairly unequal finances after 4 years together.
Our household gross income is around $137k. I expect to earn $54.7k gross this year (38% of household funds), rising to $61k (44.5%) in 2026, working in public service/education with a pension and healthcare. I've increased my pay by $20k in the last two years, which I think has been pretty good considering current climate, but I'm currently drowning financially in the relationship.
My husband earns $49-51k from a nonprofit job plus $20-30k yearly ($3k monthly) in gifted family money, totaling $79-85k (62% of household funds).
I pay $2.5-2.9k/month ($30-34.8k/year) in mandatory bills for us (car loan, car insurance, consolidated loan, power bill, 50/50 rent, credit cards that I used to keep up with him), which is 61-68% of my net income. Since moving in January, I'm often underwater, though some bills will drop soon so the stress should be less.
My husband meanwhile has no personal debt. He spends $2-3k/month ($24-36k/year) on his own regular bills, including 50/50 rent, insurance, 2/3 of groceries, apartment supplies, occasionally appliances, some utilities like our internet and streaming, but also significant personal leisure. This is roughly min 28.2-42.3% of his available funds, and often majority covered by his family money, including rent.
When we moved in 2023, I made less, and he has covered occasional large purchases like furniture that he wanted or leisure expenses (train and theater tickets, hotels) for us, but he frequently brings these up when I ask for help with monthly bills. He doesn't drive, and I often drive him. I commute with 7.5-hour shifts, while he works remotely, and his full-time hours seem closer to part-time, so he has lots of free time.
Our spending split for utilities/bills is roughly 62% me / 28.2-42.3% him, which is the inverse of our income percentages. He admitted he likely spends too much on leisure/impulse and is open to change, but also frequently suggests that it's my fault and that I should get a better-paying job, despite my current job paying more than his, while he has an MA while I have a BA. I do take it to heart, and am pursuing a career in publishing, too, with a potential text currently up for acquisition with a respected publisher, which could significantly improve our finances, but it's been a slow process.
I really need advice on how to readjust our finances to be more equitable. I've asked him to split more utilities (outside groceries/streaming) so I could cover more of those day to day purchases for him but he resists, bringing up those past large expenses he covered.
I am considering asking for a 62% him / 38% me split on rent and most (but not all) major utilities/loans and credit cards I currently pay, at least until some are paid off, then he can pull back. Would that be reasonable?
Alternatively, I thought of putting his $3k/month family money into a shared account for main utilities/rent, or splitting it between us monthly (totaling $72-79k yearly for me, $69-75k yearly for him, I find that pretty equal). He is wary due to his relationship with his family, but he uses it all himself otherwise.
Are these decent solutions ? How can I best present these options, or are there other ideas on what we could do?
Thanks!
TL;DR – I think my husband (27M) and I (35M) currently have an unequal split of funds vs. spending in the relationship and as a couple I would love help or advice on how to split it better, and how to speak to him about it that won't make him defensive.