I’m a 32F Asian woman living in Germany. I met my German boyfriend 35M about 1.5 years ago on a dating app. He’s a single dad to an 11-year-old son, whom he co-parents with his ex. I work in a corporate role and have a PhD in science, so I’m fairly well established here in West Germany. My boyfriend also has a PhD, but he’s made most of his career decisions around staying close to his son, which I respect and understand.
Recently, he lost his postdoc position at a university, even though his professor had promised him a permanent technical role. Before that, he also turned down a promising offer from a quantum startup because we had just started dating and he didn’t want to move away. While I appreciated the gesture, I’d made it clear that I’d be open to long-distance or even relocating to be near him if it came to that.
Since his contract ended, he hasn’t really been proactive in looking for new opportunities. He doesn't even apply to the job postings I send to him after he confessed that he doesn't know how to look for jobs as he always fit what he wanted in the first go. I know he’s hurting — especially because his ex moved their son about 100 miles away (they were separated 8 yrs ago, so I kind of expected him to have understood his situation) — but I feel like he’s stuck in that pain, and it’s starting to affect our relationship. Every time his son visits and leaves, I end up having to emotionally support him all over again. It’s draining. We’re both in our 30s and I had hoped we’d be working towards building something more stable together, maybe even a family of our own, but he doesn’t seem emotionally or mentally ready for that.
What’s also difficult is that his son doesn’t like staying with his mom because of rules and structure, so he’ll make last-minute requests to visit his dad — and my boyfriend will drop everything to drive 100 miles and pick him up, even just for a day. It’s sweet, but it means he has no time or energy left to focus on job hunting or planning his future. I feel like an after-thought in his life lately.
Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago during a fight, where he said something really concerning — he threatened to hurt himself and blame it on me. He apologized afterward, but it deeply unsettled me. Since then, I’ve felt disconnected from him. At the same time, I feel guilty about the idea of leaving him when he’s clearly going through such a hard time.
To complicate things further, I come from a conservative Asian background and my whole family knows about our relationship. That makes everything feel even more difficult to navigate.
I don't want to leave him when he's struggling but I'm also just worried if I have a future at all with him. What can I do to improve this situation?
TLDR – I'm a 32F Asian woman in Germany, dating a 35M German single dad for 1.5 years. He recently lost his job, is emotionally stuck, and isn't taking steps to move forward. I’ve been carrying the emotional and practical load while he prioritizes his son and struggles with his mental health. He once even threatened self-harm during an argument. I care about him but feel like an afterthought and am unsure we have a future together. I don’t want to leave him at his lowest, but I’m emotionally drained. What should I do?
7 comments
He needs therapy.
One of my exes threatened to hurt himself if I ever left, I left anyway. He even had a friend text me to tell me he actually did it and blamed me. He never actually did it
Usually, not always, when they say they’re gonna do it, they’re seeking attention. I’ve lost 3 people in my life this way and only one of them actually said they were thinking about it. The others, there were no signs.
Your bf is depressed and there’s really nothing you can say or do. He needs to see a professional
You are not responsible for his mental health. Leave. Report his mental state to the appropriate authorities and be on your way.
You can leave him. You’re not married, you didn’t make any lifelong or through thick and thin promises. The purpose of dating someone is to ascertain compatibility and there isn’t any lifelong compatibility. The relationship is already over, he simply doesn’t know it yet. Staying would waste both your time and energy. He is an adult, he will be alright. It’s not your job to coddle him like this; men seldom do it for us. They just leave usually, your feelings and circumstances be damned. If he threatens to harm himself call the authorities/police to do a wellness check on him. I bet that will be the last time you hear him make that threat. And your family will eventually understand, they might have something to say about it but it’s not worth putting off the inevitable. I mean if you end it, it may light a fire under his butt to find a new role and give him a reason to move closer to his son, so everyone wins. If you want to do it the long drawn out way you can encourage him to move closer to his son and to search for work there and once he moves break it off, but that could take forever. By that time you could have met the love of your life and moved on to better things. By drawing it out you risk losing out by missing meeting the right person for you at the right time.
Have you had a serious talk with him outlining everything you talk about here in this post? These are deal breaker situations if allowed to fester, however, there’s a chance he might be willing to work with you on this if you’re clear. You outline the problems pretty well in this post, maybe you could show it to him. It does sound like most of this is situationally founded and not personality founded, which is a good thing.
However, if talking goes nowhere, don’t wait around giving him chance after chance. You are responsible for yourself, not for him.
You are not a social worker nor a shrink. Do what best for yourself and not for him
You gonna have to have a sit down talk with him. Don’t bring up breaking up (yet) but do go into it identifying clear issues and how you want it to change. You can really only ask him, you can’t force him to do anything, he is his own person. Make a reasonable time frame of when you want to see improvements and write down some dealbreakers for yourself. While he seems stressed, you aren’t responsible for the dysfunction of others and he’s a grown adult if you feel like breaking up is the healthiest for you.
Do you think you would look back at yourself 5 years in the future and regret staying with him/leaving him?
Can you talk with a close friend who knows your situation well?
>he threatened to hurt himself and blame it on me. He apologized afterward, but it deeply unsettled me
This is above your pay grade, I suggest ending the relationship. Just a clean break