I (29M) and my fiancée (29F) were engaged. Things were good at first, but once it came time to book venues, DJs, etc., money started getting tight on my end (she was making more than me). We found a venue she “fell in love” with, and after some back-and-forth, we signed the contract even though I couldn’t afford it at the time. I had a raise coming and we were planning to move to a new area to lower our living costs. We figured she’d handle the deposits, and once my raise kicked in, I’d catch up and we’d split everything 50/50. But things started getting stressful, and we eventually broke up.
After the breakup, it was a mess. Blocked, unblocked, yelled at each other, then reblocked. Honestly, super immature. About a month later, I moved to a new apartment, went on Hinge, got drunk a lot, and started hooking up with people (not my best decisions, I admit). A couple months after that, she started calling me drunk, saying she missed me. I’d gotten sober, pulled myself together, and had started moving on, so I told her it wasn’t a good idea to get back together.
Fast forward to this week. It would’ve been our 2-year anniversary, and I decided to go out and have a drink. While I was at the bar, she called, and we ended up meeting up. We started talking about how we missed each other, and somehow that conversation led to talking about maybe starting fresh.
Here’s where it gets tricky. She asked me if I had slept with anyone while we were broken up. I was honest and said yes. Then I asked her, "Did you?" She said no. I don’t know why, but something felt off, so I asked again later, and she admitted she kissed someone. Then later, she admitted she slept with a guy, and I found out it was an old coworker of hers who slid into her DMs when we broke up. From what I gather, the DMs came through while our engagement pictures were still up, but I’m not sure how long they were up.
Now, here’s my problem: I’m not mad that she slept with someone. I did the same thing. But I’m frustrated because she lied so many times when I directly asked her. Why did it take 5 attempts to get the truth? She’s now saying I’m being a jerk because I don’t trust her, but honestly, why would I trust her after all the dishonesty?
Am I overreacting for getting upset?
EDIT:
Not ALL of the problems were money. She was losing some of her friends from jealousy (that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong), her family was getting on her about why she HAD to have a nice wedding (none of her family did and none of her family was contributing to the wedding) and I was trying to be her rock during these times. While trying to be her rock I wound up drinking more which obviously would get her mad because I was being stupid (I wouldn’t be a nasty drunk but it was pretty frequent to see me with a beer in my hand at home)
TLDR
Engaged
Not engaged
I slept around
She asked if I did, I said yes
I asked if she did, she said no
Later says, kissed, then says, slept one time, then said “3 week fling”
22 comments
You shouldn’t get back together if you’re already having qualms about what she was doing when you were broken up. The problems are already restarting. I also don’t know why you need to ask or know if and who each other slept with while split for what seems like a length of time, this wasn’t a 2 week breakup but several months. Just seems like asking and knowing that information does nothing but upset each other.
Yeah, guys (prime example is how you handled it) are much straight forward and just in general more honest. Why be any other way really. Whereas girls love drama and want to make a thing of something that might not have been a thing.
She straight up lied to you in an attempt to… Not hurt you? Not get into an argument? And then in the end when she realises that your relationship could be back on again, honesty is necessary so she comes clean.
Now, your problem with her dishonesty is strongly founded. However, you went on hinge/tinder whatever and found randoms to make some bad decisions (I still don’t understand why people do that) but she went on to accept this person she already knew, a coworker of all people to slide into her dms and slide into her bed. It’s a bit of a difference when comparing the two bad decisions.
Honestly getting back together after problems arising with money is not a good idea. If you guys couldn’t make it through that even when organising something so climactic for your relationship, it doesn’t look good going forward. The small dishonesty she gave you could have been to not hurt you but her willing to see someone she knows is pretty revealing.
Good luck to you man.
You guys haven’t even get back together and already have problems.
It’s a trap. You need to ask yourself why you want to get back with her. Is it love? Loneliness? Missing whatever you guys had together?
My advice: don’t put yourself back in a position that you already overcame
Was the break up due to money problems or were there other issues? Because if she abandoned you when you were having money issues, she will do the same thing again. THEN you’ve got to add on the fact that she lied to you about whether she slept with someone else after you broke up for literally no reason. You gave her so many opportunities to tell you the truth and she didn’t. I think it’s better for you two to stay broken up.
Don’t look for love in the same place you lost it
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Let her go man. Don’t look back
This sounds toxic, my advice just cut ties and move on this just sounds bad for both of you.
Just run. When I had drama a friend once asked me “What would you advice me if I’d be in that situation?”. Helped me seeing obvious things more clear in those situations
This reeks of her being 29 and wanting to have a husband, any husband. Yall are not a good match.
I think you broke up for a good reason, and you get a lot of insight into a person based on how the breakup goes. Imagine that drama when you go through a divorce!
I don’t think it’s a good idea to get back together but, you asked a question, so I will answer: I usted to have an ex boyfriend who had different standards for himself then for me. He demanded honesty, but when I was honest he would always get upset and angry because he could not deal with the truth. For me, that behavior of being honest in steps and not initially honest reminds me of that relationship. Ask yourself if you have ever had a situation where she might have felt that her honesty and emotional safety was ever betrayed/compromised. If you don’t know, talk about it. Ask her why she did not feel the safety to tell you straight away. Not communicating with eachother and responding with ego instead of listening without it and asking questions to truly understand eachother seems to be your problem. If you try again, I would advice you to go to counseling, because I feel like this has no future if you keep doing what you are doing now.
You both need to go your seperate ways. I am looking at your timeline, and you said you broke up for a few months, but you just hit what would have been your 2 year anniversary. So if I am getting this right, you started the relationship, got engaged, and were planning a wedding all within the span of maybe 18 months…..that is a really excelerated timeline.
Also, her lying about hooking up with someone, which is fair game, when broken up a big red flag. If she is lying to you about something that is perfectly acceptable and not a big deal, what else is she lying about?
Things have a way of repeating again and again. Unless you’re ready to do that let it go. This is the beginning of your relationship when everything is supposed to be easy and fun. It gets tougher with a house and children. Old age and retirement. With twenty years on the job and stressful deadlines. If you can’t get along during the easy times how will you handle the tough times. Speaking with 48 years of marriage in.
Maybe she is pregnant or maybe she experienced the life without you and the grass wasn’t greener that side so she came back to you but who knows what she is thinking……but one thing is sure though you broke up for a reason and even after reconciliation lingering resentment , lying, and other problems are arising better to stay single for a while sort out yourself first and than move into a relationship that is healthy and have equal partnership with mutual respect…
You started moving on, keep on that path. Perhaps this time, change your number so you don’t fall back into this.
I personally don’t think it’s important. The numbers don’t matter. The lying is the problem. And she’s still lying to you. If it was that hard to get her to admit it. She’s still lying. There is more. But honestly I’d drop it. You probably don’t truly want the real number. It’s probably three times yours.
If I were you I would just take it down a notch. Go on some dates. Go slow. Don’t jump right back into getting married again. Really and truly evaluate the relationship. Is this the mother you want for your kids? It’s either hell yes or hell no. Act accordingly.
You’re not mad she slept with someone — you’re mad she treated honesty like a negotiation. If she wants a fresh start, she can’t keep rewriting the past like it’s a PR campaign. Trust doesn’t reboot on a lie
Out of everything I read, the dishonesty is the biggest red flag.
Also, when you marry someone you marry their family as well. So her family sounds like a nightmare. Also it seems like she cares what they think more than she cares about you.
It blew up for a reason. A wedding should be a time of happiness not distress. Just move on
Sounds toxic. If you can’t handle wedding planning, how are you gonna handle married life?
Even your “starting fresh” began with lies and trickle-truthing. You’re likely to have the same problems all over again. If you’re into all that drama then go for it I guess.
You’re both nearing 30 and likely just intrigued by the idea of slipping right into a ready-made relationship where you already know each other’s strengths/flaws and idiosyncrasies. I know it feels like much less work and stress than starting something brand new but is it really, with everything that’s already transpired between the two of you?
From the outside looking in it sounds kind of crazy but I know it feels different to be on the inside of these sort of situations. I wouldn’t judge a friend who did what you’re considering because I get it, but I would have zero faith that them and this partner would be together forever. Sometimes you just have to see for yourself though. And only you know if you’re in that boat.
Best of luck.
Bro she might have been fkng around on you with that guy before you broke up. Could that in fact have been the reason on her end? You know she lies to you already. Seems like a situation you want to stay away from. Yeah she might be cool maybe she didn’t f around maybe she won’t lie to you about stuff again. But can you risk that? Personally id rather be alone than be with someone I can’t trust.