Hi Reddit!

So, I am kind of lost in how to currently navigate my relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years. I am going to try and keep this brief. We recently had an argument last week-week and a half ago about something small that just escalated. Basically, he lied about something that wasn’t a big deal and the conversation blew up from there. I guess calling him out on lying triggered him and he brought up me hiding something shady with an old coworker. He claims that he saw text messages between my old coworker and I telling each other we missed them. He then looked through my phone again and said I deleted those messages because they weren’t there anymore. The issue is that I have no memory of that whatsoever, and I don’t even have his phone number. After thinking about this for a bit, I suspect it might have been through Teams. My old coworker moved to a new division at work so I no longer saw them. A group of us (6 or 7 people) at work would each lunch together every day, so naturally we grew closer. He and I shared a lot of the same interests so there would be times where we talked about them outside of the lunch group. Additionally, his girlfriend was part of that group so I grew closer to her too. (They tried to keep it a secret, but we knew…) After he moved roles, we barely spoke since it was more of a “friends by proximity” relationship. And if you have worked with Teams, you know that it auto deletes messages from 30+ days ago.

He now says he can’t trust me because this has happened before. Years ago when we first starting dating, a friend of ours tried to drunkenly kiss me and I pushed him off. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to disrupt the friend group. Another time, I was friendly with a coworker (different company), but the conversations started to cross the line so I distanced myself and told him I wanted to keep it professional. Didn’t speak after that. But my boyfriend told himself that if it happened again, he was done. So this situation is the “next time”. I have nothing to hide. I’m constantly leaving my phone out and he knows the passcode. He also knows the passcode to my work laptop and my PC as well. He says he still loves and cares for me, but he feels numb and his gut feeling is telling him to move on. He’s not sure if that’s what he wants, though. He doesn’t mind if I’m around and initiate physical touch, but he doesn’t feel like starting it himself. But he sent me a voice note yesterday saying he hopes I have a good day at work. At a different time, I asked him if it would be a good idea if I stayed somewhere else for like a week so he can gather his thoughts without me being there, he replied by saying that’s a waste of money because he wouldn’t feel any different whether I was there or not. But also told me he wants to keep playing video games with me. There is a lot more that was said, but it pretty much follows the same hot and cold theme.

I’m not sure what to make of this. He has been cheated on in the past, but I’ve been completely loyal to him. We’ve talked about this and spoke with a therapist about this, but he seems pretty stuck on this. I’m not really sure what to do. Should I give him distance, or should I still continue to show him affection to show him that I still love him? What can I do to help him feel more secure? I want this relationship to work. Sorry for the length, but thank you for reading.

TLDR; bf says he can't trust me because of an interaction I had with a previous coworker


26 comments

  1. So this man lied to you (at least one lie that you caught, the tricky thing about liars) and in order to get back at you he went through your life to shake out whatever he could find to throw back in your face. I think you should take some time to reflect on this relationship and see if there’s anything that you missed because I struggle to see this coming out of nowehre over 8 years. I wouldn’t chase after him or try to “win” him back, but take the time that you need to cetner yourself, your needs, and reinvest in other things that make you happy.

  2. Time to walk away. If he can’t communicate like an adult, and his response for being called out on his own bad behavior is to blame you for other random shit, he isn’t worth your time.

  4. It sounds like he accuses you of cheating/lying whenever he wants to take your attention off of *his* less-than-honorable behavior. 

    If that’s the case, then you’ll never be able to “prove” your loyalty to him – because your loyalty was never *really* in question. The goal is to put you on your back foot so you’ll think twice about criticizing him in the future. 

  5. So your boyfriend is a psychological terrorist that you are going out of your way to appease for having committed the crime of asking him not to lie to you? And its your fault he was cheated on more than 8 years ago by someone else and therefore you must pay penance forevermore and never mention his bad behavior?

    This doesnt sound like a loving and healthy relationship that warrants saving to me. Have you considered not saving it?

  6. So this is a good example of how giving someone permission to go through all your messages when you haven’t done anything wrong never solves the problem. It just gives them more fuel.

    Literally none of the things you describe are violations of trust. NONE of them. (Even the guy who tried to kiss you – you don’t have to tell him about everybody who hits on you!)

    On top of that, eight years of a relationship should earn you some benefit of the doubt. The fact that it hasn’t raises some major red flags.

    It sounds like he’s playing offense so he doesn’t have to play defense. He was LEGITIMATELY untrustworthy (about something small, you say, but you don’t tell us what), and so rather than have to defend himself, or rather than open himself up to deeper investigation (because he’s worried about what you might find) he’s creating a situation where you don’t want to talk about trust issues because they circle back to you.

    That’s a major red flag. (It’s often said that nobody is as suspicious as a cheater, but even if he’s not cheating this is completely unacceptable behavior. You do not get to go on offense because you were legitimately caught crossing a line. You do not get to go dig up old, resolved grievances because there’s a new, unresolved one that your partner has.)

    I’m generally in favor of allowing our partner in a long relationship a little bit of time. Moments of doubt are normal in a long relationship, and eight years works both ways, so if *normally* if he was like, “I’m having a lot of conflicted feelings, I need a little time to sort them out,” I’d be like, “Okay, sure. You’re entitled to that,” and be prepared to give them a month.

    BUT the difference here is that he’s making it about you, and it’s coming from a place of being caught lying himself. To which my response would be something like, “Fuck you. Figure your shit out.” Stop catering to him. Change your passcodes – he has proven himself not capable of handling having them. Stop treating his suspicions as justified.

    If he has doubts, wants to figure out what he wants, okay, fine. But if he has doubts about YOUR BEHAVIOR, with absolutely no justification like this, there’s the door, he can show himself out. DO NOT let him play the “I screwed up so now I’m digging through everything about your life to find something to be upset about” game.

    That’s one of the times when you say “Get your head on straight or GTFO.”

    And it’s been eight years. He doesn’t get to pull the “I was cheated on in a past relationship” card at this point.

  7. I hope you are reading these comments because they are right. He literally switched it on you to feel bad to distract you! With BULLSHIT. Sometimes I’m grateful I’m still single wtf is going on with people these days

  8. So he’s projecting basically? This sounds like a dramatic, toxic mess

  9. So you’ve appropriately responded to unwanted attention from other men, and he decides that you’ve had two strikes against you, now is bringing up something that there’s no proof of? Are you not allowed to have friendships with men at work?

    Don’t stay in a relationship with someone who has a history of blaming you for his insecurities, for other people’s actions, who roots through your devices looking for rage fuel, and keeps you on edge while you try to “earn” his respect and affection. You can never prove to someone that you won’t cheat. That’s just a risk of being involved romantically. Tell him to listen to his gut and leave.

  10. Pretty sure he’s just blame shifting to keep you off balance. He’s a manipulator. Are you sure this relationship is what you want? He’s not communicating in good faith like a partner should. He’s just twisting it around onto you so he doesn’t have to take any accountability. You need to think about the life you want for yourself. Is this relationship honoring the life that you want & supporting the person you want to be? Or is it undermining your confidence & eroding your self worth?

  11. I think he’s likely projecting his crap behavior onto you. He sounds like a toxic man baby.

  12. Have you ever heard of DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is what he’s doing.

  13. First put a pin in this relationship, it is done. He just projected whatever he is doing on you and has said in a very clear way that he is done, but still wants you in the wings for whatever.

    Second. There is no reason for him having the pass code to your work laptop, in fact if your employer found this out you would most likely lose your job. I say this a network administrator, if I found this out about one of my users it would be sent up the food chain for immediate review/action.

  14. Your boyfriend is DARVO ing

    DARVO stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. 

    It’s a common tactic for people trying to escape accountability.  He is trying to accuse you of something instead of addressing your rightful concerns. 

    Don’t let it derail you from keeping him accountable. 

    I wouldn’t stick around with someone who DARVOs instead of taking responsibility. 

  15. The boyfriends I’ve had who accused me of cheating and then proceeded to look for “evidence” of me cheating, were the ones actually cheating.

    Regardless, he is trying to put up reasons why he doesn’t want to be with you- I would listen to him. He doesn’t want to be with you anymore, sometimes if it’s been a long term relationship, you stay because there’s no good reason to break it off. He doesn’t need a reason though, if the relationship becomes non consensual, it’s done. Let him leave, he clearly wants to. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, seems he’s looking for a reason so he’s not the “bad guy” who abruptly left his partner of 8 years.

  17. There’s a whole lot of projection going on. Generally when someone with no reason to think their partner is cheating, who is then suddenly accusing them of cheating, is in fact, cheating themselves. He deflects from his own bad behavior (lying) by accusing you of something. And now he “doesn’t know if he can trust you.” In both instances you described, you did nothing wrong and everything right. Two people came in to you and you set a firm boundary. You cannot control other people’s behavior; only how you respond.

    I think he’s interested in, if not actively pursuing, someone else, but doesn’t want to cut you loose until he knows if his new flame will work out.

  19. He lied. And now you’re fretting about how to regain his trust.

    Let that sink in.

    This guy has you all turned around.

    I suggest you go dark. If you live together, start working on changing that. His trust issues are a tool he uses to keep you off balance and insecure. Stop falling for it.

  20. He is accusing you of something that never happened to take the ens off himself and make you the bad guy.

  21. 8 years of this bullshit? Honey, you’re too old for this. Stop wasting your 30s. You are letting this sorry excuse for a man disrespect you! Which he only does when you catch him lying. Your boyfriend is keeping you from finding your husband.

  24. >  if you have worked with Teams, you know that it auto deletes messages from 30+ days ago.
    Not necessarily btw. Depends how the sysadmin has set it up

    It sounds like there is more going on with your bf as these things don’t just come up after 8 years. If you’re not sure if distance or showing him will help, you’re stuck in a real catch 22. Sounds also like he might be stonewalling which is a whole thing in itself. Have you considered couples therapy?

  26. His overall behavior seems probably toxic here but info needed, what does starting to cross the line mean? And Did your SO think it was cheating?

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