My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have had our ups and downs, but what happened yesterday has never happened before, and I don’t know what to do next.
We had a fight about his control over my education (I am studying in the same field as him). He insisted that I study according to a certain plan, at certain times and days of the week. On Monday, I woke up late (as usual, it’s summer vacation) and told him about it. He criticized me, saying that I need to get up earlier, otherwise I won’t be able to cope with the plan.
After that, I broke down: we had a huge fight, I screamed, cried and got angry. I told him that I felt controlled, that I was burnt out (while my classmates are on vacation, I have to study every day for 4 hours, otherwise I will struggle with finding a job according to him).
Anyway, we put this conversation off for another day, and yesterday we had another round of it. Things escalated and I was so angry about what he said to me (unreasonably). I broke a pencil in half, yelled at him and started to change my clothes to leave our studio apartment. Since we only have one room, I was about to leave the house to calm down, but he stopped me. He held me back, trying to calm me down. I couldn't help myself and started hitting him on the back, screaming and crying at the same time.
I have never hit him before. Yesterday I realized that I have been abusing him emotionally and now physically.
I apologized to him and he accepted my apology. I asked him if he wanted a divorce, but he refused. I am hurt, broken by this realization and I really don't want to hurt him in the future, but I don't know if there is anything else I can do about this situation other than leave.
Is there anything I (or we) can do, or is separation the only way out?
Side note: I was in a relationship before him where my partner was physically and emotionally abusive and I know how hard it is to live with such a partner and how hard it is to break up with an abuser.
TL;DR: my husband and I had a fight and I hit him for the first time. I apologised and asked if he wants a divorce, and he refused.