It’s been 10 months since my ex and I broke up for good. We were in a toxic on-and-off relationship for 3 years. I’m 23 now, he’s 34.
During the relationship, I was deeply in love. I stayed, no matter what. I supported him, gave him all of me & never wronged him.
But he treated me badly — lied, hid things, was disrespectful to me had other women when we were off, came and went when things got hard. Made me feel small I was deeply depressed. And every time, I took him back.
After our last breakup, I told myself: That’s it. I finally set boundaries. I started healing, growing, and truly fighting for myself.
But in the months after, he reached out twice. Once pretending to need help, clearly trying to manipulate me back into his life. The second time, he called me out of the blue and accused me of being with another guy which wasn’t true. And both times… I was kind. Polite. Respectful. I didn’t lash out or say what I really felt. He NEVER acknowledged my feelings nor apologized for the pain he caused and ran from taking responsibility.
Then a few weeks ago, we ran into each other. He came up to me, smiled, and started small talk. I was caught off guard. I didn’t know what to do scream? Ignore him? Tell him off? Instead I was polite. I answered his questions, I still smiled and even laughed a bit bc he was teasing me (???!)
And now I’m so angry at myself.
Why was I nice again? After everything he put me through? After the way he broke me, made me doubt myself FLR YEARS and acted like my pain didn’t matter?
I don’t want him back. If he ever contacts me again, I won’t answer. But what kills me is the thought that he probably thinks everything is fine between us now. That he can live in peace, thinking I’m over it when the truth is, I had to go through hell to get to where I am now. He doesn’t know how much I cried, how long it took me to rebuild myself.
It feels so unfair. I wish I could go back and just once say what I really felt. Be loud. Angry. Let him know that no, it wasn’t okay. That he doesn’t get to walk away smiling like nothing ever happened.