How important is it to you to understand the “why” of a conflict or relationship issue with your significant other??
July 30, 2025
How important is it to you to understand the “why” of a conflict or relationship issue with your significant other??
26 comments
I like knowing the “why” so I can either be better at keeping it from happening again or just so I can understand why something I did/said hurt my significant other because some things will hurt them while they’ll be pretty small issues to me
without knowing the “why”, you’re just guessing and patching, not fixing.
It’s very important.
If we know the reason, we can work towards resolving it and not making it happen again.
Very. Because if you don’t understand that it’s hard to truly resolve anything. Without the why it’s usually a bandaid on bullet hole type thing or a compromise ripe for resentment. Also if I ask someone why they have a problem with something and they can’t or won’t say I’m generally not willing to move forward, poor communication is a deal breaker for me.
Super important. If I don’t understand the “why”, it just keeps repeating. I need to know what caused it so we can actually fix it, not just move on pretend it’s fine.
Critically important. Anything else is just fixing symptoms, not the issue.
VERY
I am a person who needs to know why
I mean, it depends how big it is.
“Hey, can you please limit the shoes you leave in the hall tree to two pairs and put the others back in your closet?” Sure! I don’t need to know why that’s important to them to accept that that’s important to them and just do it. It’s not a big deal.
“Hey can you please stop going hiking by yourself on weekends?” I absolutely need to know why for that, because I really like hiking, and if I don’t understand their why, I can’t recommend a solution that meets their needs while my needs stay met too.
Cause it’s good to understand the why on big issues. But sometimes people demand the why on small issues to add friction to your partner giving you negative feedback, or so they can feel like they don’t have to give a shit about their partner’s needs unless they fully justify themselves logically to them in a completely airtight way.
The “why” is arguably *the most* important part of conflict resolution
Very. It’s how we communicate and resolve things to move forward
Unfortunately I need to know the why so I can understand, forgive and move on. This is hard when my partner struggles with the why.
But for me, knowing the why is how we can avoid it from happening again in the future. It’s vitally important.
Understanding is important, but it’s also important to not let the *why* prevent fixing things. Sometimes when I have an issue with my boyfriend, he wants to ignore the micro issue to discuss the macro issue, which sounds like it would be a good thing. But actually I think for him it can be a way of avoiding addressing things.
If the macro issue is something that requires therapy for him to work through, that’s not a quick solution. By contrast, the micro issue is often pretty easy to fix, but he doesn’t do that in order to focus on the macro. It can be frustrating. Not that I think he shouldn’t address the macro issue, but I wish he’d also consider small fixes in the meantime. It’s easier and quicker to apologize and take me to dinner to make it up to me than it is to address the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. He could do both.
If the desired resolution of the conflict is for someone’s behavior to change, I need the why. If they need to vent/be heard, I suppose the “why” is me finding out where they feel I came up short in supporting them/me practicing empathy and trying to understand their perspective rather than getting info the nitty gritty details
Depends what the issue is and if I want to fix it
Very important. We can agree to disagree, but I want us to understand each other.
Completely. Understanding where the issue stemmed from is key to resolving it.
Extremely. So that we can figure out how to move past it, understand ourselves and each other and how we work as a couple better, and hopefully not have the same issue arising over and over.
If theres no “why”, there’s no fixing it.
My ex conditioned himself to never open up. So i have never gone back.
Get to the root of it, or play stupid games into infinity.
Utmost importance – I want to know why someone acts a certain way, to understand them better and what we could work on.
Depends.
When you’re IN a relationship, it’s important.
When you’re at the end of the relationship? Nah, I don’t care why he decided to start messaging other women online. I don’t care why he decided to make plans to stick his d!ck in another woman. I don’t even care why he still stuck his d!ck in me while he was doing all that.
I am only curious to know why he thinks I’d give him any grace after that.
Extremely.
From my perspective, understanding the why, no matter how small or simple it is, helps me make things click in my brain. Thanks to logic I get to know you better and with that we can connect more in the future. So I guess, thanks to sharing each other’s whys, we build a stronger relationship with each other.
Extremely, if we don’t talk it through and understand the why and what to do with it what’s even the point ?
It depends on the conflict. Is it something easy and straightforward? I can fix the problem without knowing the deeper “why” and be done with it.
Is his reaction disproportional or is it something complicated? Yeah, I want to get to the bottom of it.
Luckily, my husband is both self aware and willing to tell me what he’s thinking.
When I stop caring about the “why” I’m given up on the relationship.
26 comments
I like knowing the “why” so I can either be better at keeping it from happening again or just so I can understand why something I did/said hurt my significant other because some things will hurt them while they’ll be pretty small issues to me
without knowing the “why”, you’re just guessing and patching, not fixing.
It’s very important.
If we know the reason, we can work towards resolving it and not making it happen again.
Very. Because if you don’t understand that it’s hard to truly resolve anything. Without the why it’s usually a bandaid on bullet hole type thing or a compromise ripe for resentment. Also if I ask someone why they have a problem with something and they can’t or won’t say I’m generally not willing to move forward, poor communication is a deal breaker for me.
Super important. If I don’t understand the “why”, it just keeps repeating. I need to know what caused it so we can actually fix it, not just move on pretend it’s fine.
Critically important. Anything else is just fixing symptoms, not the issue.
VERY
I am a person who needs to know why
I mean, it depends how big it is.
“Hey, can you please limit the shoes you leave in the hall tree to two pairs and put the others back in your closet?” Sure! I don’t need to know why that’s important to them to accept that that’s important to them and just do it. It’s not a big deal.
“Hey can you please stop going hiking by yourself on weekends?” I absolutely need to know why for that, because I really like hiking, and if I don’t understand their why, I can’t recommend a solution that meets their needs while my needs stay met too.
Cause it’s good to understand the why on big issues. But sometimes people demand the why on small issues to add friction to your partner giving you negative feedback, or so they can feel like they don’t have to give a shit about their partner’s needs unless they fully justify themselves logically to them in a completely airtight way.
The “why” is arguably *the most* important part of conflict resolution
Very. It’s how we communicate and resolve things to move forward
Unfortunately I need to know the why so I can understand, forgive and move on. This is hard when my partner struggles with the why.
But for me, knowing the why is how we can avoid it from happening again in the future. It’s vitally important.
Understanding is important, but it’s also important to not let the *why* prevent fixing things. Sometimes when I have an issue with my boyfriend, he wants to ignore the micro issue to discuss the macro issue, which sounds like it would be a good thing. But actually I think for him it can be a way of avoiding addressing things.
If the macro issue is something that requires therapy for him to work through, that’s not a quick solution. By contrast, the micro issue is often pretty easy to fix, but he doesn’t do that in order to focus on the macro. It can be frustrating. Not that I think he shouldn’t address the macro issue, but I wish he’d also consider small fixes in the meantime. It’s easier and quicker to apologize and take me to dinner to make it up to me than it is to address the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. He could do both.
If the desired resolution of the conflict is for someone’s behavior to change, I need the why. If they need to vent/be heard, I suppose the “why” is me finding out where they feel I came up short in supporting them/me practicing empathy and trying to understand their perspective rather than getting info the nitty gritty details
Depends what the issue is and if I want to fix it
Very important. We can agree to disagree, but I want us to understand each other.
Completely. Understanding where the issue stemmed from is key to resolving it.
Extremely. So that we can figure out how to move past it, understand ourselves and each other and how we work as a couple better, and hopefully not have the same issue arising over and over.
If theres no “why”, there’s no fixing it.
My ex conditioned himself to never open up. So i have never gone back.
Get to the root of it, or play stupid games into infinity.
Utmost importance – I want to know why someone acts a certain way, to understand them better and what we could work on.
Depends.
When you’re IN a relationship, it’s important.
When you’re at the end of the relationship? Nah, I don’t care why he decided to start messaging other women online. I don’t care why he decided to make plans to stick his d!ck in another woman. I don’t even care why he still stuck his d!ck in me while he was doing all that.
I am only curious to know why he thinks I’d give him any grace after that.
Extremely.
From my perspective, understanding the why, no matter how small or simple it is, helps me make things click in my brain. Thanks to logic I get to know you better and with that we can connect more in the future. So I guess, thanks to sharing each other’s whys, we build a stronger relationship with each other.
Extremely, if we don’t talk it through and understand the why and what to do with it what’s even the point ?
It depends on the conflict. Is it something easy and straightforward? I can fix the problem without knowing the deeper “why” and be done with it.
Is his reaction disproportional or is it something complicated? Yeah, I want to get to the bottom of it.
Luckily, my husband is both self aware and willing to tell me what he’s thinking.
When I stop caring about the “why” I’m given up on the relationship.