My partner and I have been together for a little over a year, she is ‘27F’ and I am ‘28M’. The relationship has its highs and lows but from the very beginning she always had this tendency of leaving or storming off whenever we get into an argument. The arguments start very small and they blow every time, so much I now walk on eggshells around her just to avoid any form of conflict. If you don’t do things when and how she wants them done it may turn into another wave of threats. We have tried therapy and I was hoping things could get better but there is very little progress. I love her so much but my mental health is taking a dip and I don’t feel safe in a relationship that can be terminated at the slightest inconvenience. When I try to apologise even when I’m not wrong I’m faced with insults and cold shoulders, so much that sometimes she will leave the bed when I come into bed or she can blatantly ignore me while I’m trying to make things right. She has made me delete my social media, end friendships especially with female friends she didn’t like. I’m just sad and don’t know how I found myself in this position and it doesn’t feel like love anymore. Whenever I try to leave she will then get me gifts or worse threaten to take things to extremes like damaging my apartment (which she hasn’t done) but the threats alone are scary.
I need help, has anyone dealt with something like this and how did you navigate, when is enough enough?
TL;DR I am dealing with someone who threatens to leave the relationship whenever conflict arises unless I apologise and yield to her at all times. How can I navigate this
27 comments
Someone who needs conflict to stay engaged is not a good match. If this stresses you out, don’t stick around hoping things are going to change.
she is emotionally abusing you –
>when is enough enough?
whenever you decide it is
This relationship is clearly not making you happy. Just leave. Block her everywhere.
I ain’t even gonna read the post brother, time to get schoovin’
You are in an abusive relationship. Someone making you delete social media is already a huge red flag. Does your therapist know about that part? Any relationship where you aren’t safe to communicate and discuss your disagreements to find a common ground is a toxic relationship. And a relationship that requires therapy after only one year is doomed. The longer you stay the worse it will get. And the treatment you are receiving will cause resentment toward her soon enough.
So if i understand correctly, at the end of every argument, you show her that she’s in charge and you’re so desperate to keep any kind of relationship that she can set all the rules? This is how you got here. You showed her that threatening to end the relationship will always get her whatever she wants. If you don’t even have any respect for yourself, why would she have any respect for you?
Stop begging/chasing and let your girlfriend leave you. I guarantee she never will. You’re in an abusive relationship, so if she actually leaves, she won’t be able to control and manipulate you anymore. Call her bluff next time she threatens to end the relationship.
The power imbalance in this relationship is extreme.When you let people do what they want to do, you see exactly where you stand with them. Let her be mad. Let her give you the silent treatment. Let her make threats, and most importantly, let her follow through on those threats. This entire relationship she’s been pushing you to see how much she can get away with. Push back. See how far she’s actually willing to go.
As your power over yourself grows, the power she has over you will diminish. Things are going to get crazy. She is going to scramble to regain her power. She’s going to do things you never thought possible. And once you see who she truly is, and have had enough of her bad behavior, you’ll leave.
She’s abusing you.
Please share this with someone close and get help leaving her.
Also collect evidence of all her threats, after you break up with her do not allow her to be in the apartment alone.
Simple questions would be are you happy and do you want to be in this relationship?
If not then just end it
Arrange to meet, tell her it’s over as you don’t like the way she treats you. Return all her possessions that might be at yours. Ask for any keys back. Change the locks. Delete her phone numbers and go back to living your life however you see fit
All rather simple isn’t it?
My dude, when a relationship is costing you your mental health, and the other party is unwilling to work on it, that’s when you have to make a decision.
How miserable can I get before I can’t justify staying with this person?
And proceed from there.
There seems to be some misunderstanding here in your part. You do not have to make every relationship work. They are not all worth chance after chance. Just because you date someone, it doesn’t mean you have to stay until it implodes. You need to leave. This is abuse. It’s been abuse. This relationship is well past its expiration date.
I’m sure you can find another girl who doesn’t have these kind of issues
Would you believe that it would be better when she were your wife? I would not think so. Just tell her that you have reached the wall and will climb over it if she doesn’t stop disrespecting you. Tell her that a healthy relationship requires mutual respect. If she damage the apartment, she will have to pay to fix it if she’s on the contract.
The first thing I ever tell a new partner is that if she ever threatens to break up with me, she had better mean it because I will only ever give one answer: ok. Ultimatums are not an acceptable way of solving problems. The more you acquiesce the more you’re teaching her that it’s a valid method of getting what she wants. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself.
Date people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Next time she threatens, say goodbye and walkway. That bullshit only works because you let it.
That’s emotional abuse. Hope you can find a safe way out of it. Don’t let her or others downplay your experience.
She is abusing you. This is dictionary emotional abuse. You have to leave.
I know that staying feels easier because you’ve become used to the pain. And you’re worried about what new wave of bullshit that leaving will create.
But trust me, it is NEVER WORTH staying. NEVER.
Do you live in the US? Is she on the lease of where you’re living? Are there any trusted family/friends that you can lean on for emotional support? If you answer these questions it could help with giving further advice.
Next time, let her leave. Don’t invite her back.
You can’t “navigate” this. It’s highly manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Why the eff would you want to be with someone who makes you apologise even when you haven’t done anything and who is affecting your mental health? And who has isolated you from your friends? And damages your belongings?
Like, she’s a legit psycho.
You have to love yourself more than her. If your mental health is taking a dip and the cause is her, then you need to end it. Next time she says it’s over and storms out, take that blessing and be done with her. The only way change happens is if you truly want the change!
She’s abusive. Leave and get your damn life back.
Emotional abuse. A lot of people do this without even realizing it, but there are also some who do it purposely. Which one do you think she is?
If she’s the type who NEEDS drama/conflict in the relationship to keep it “exciting” and it stresses you the fuck out.. then you need to leave and not look back. It’s not healthy, and it will never change. I mean it’s already affecting your mental health.
It sounds like this is your apartment and so you will have to kick her out but you are afraid to do that because she threatens to damage your apartment.
It is time to start recording your conversations. Get her threats and put them in the cloud.
Find a trusted friend who can stay at your apartment so that your girlfriend has more trouble damaging it. Try to have friends there at all times to keep things from being damaged. Your most important things should be moved out temporarily before you tell her you are breaking up. Get your documents out and get your most expensive electronics out. Maybe have a friend come over to “trouble shoot” some of your electronics and the friend can’t fix them in the moment so takes them with him to fix them later. That can be the cover story to get things out of the apartment.
Put up cameras to catch her damaging things. You need some security cameras so that you record what she is doing in the public parts of your apartment.
Tell her if she destroys things you will call the police and file a report. This is why you need evidence and you need plenty of it to show that she is the abusive one and the violent one.
Call an abuse hotline. They help men as well as women. Get their advice on how to do this.
Sounds like one of those situations where ita better to be single. She doesn’t respect you, because you dont respect yourself.
Never beg. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who abuses you like this.
This is highly toxic, I’ve been there and honestly it’s not worth it.
Starting over is really hard but time heals all wounds even if you don’t feel that way in the beginning.
I was suicidal in my last relationship and I won’t ever be putting that place again.. For contacts I was married for 25 years and when she told me she wanted a divorce it was f****** awful. But here I am a year later living my best life with a new partner that is far more compatible.
It sounds like you’re way better off moving on but only you can make that decision.
You don’t threaten to leave your partner unless you truly mean it. Period. She needs to grow up and behave like a mature adult and regulate her emotions and stop playing games.