TL;DR I finally went on a date with a crush I’ve liked for a long time now. While watching a movie he kept trying to squeeze my chest. We’ve been friends for a while but I feel so gross and I want to end it but I’m scared. (I don’t think I can really sum up my situation well In this tldr, I’m sorry I tried)
For a while I had a huge crush on a boy from my class and we texted each other for so long but it never went anywhere. This summer though we finally did go on 2 dates, both were at his house (he never wants to meet up anywhere else besides his house). The first date was fine but the second date is what made me really upset. We were watching a movie and he asks me if he can touch my chest, I was so taken off guard that I said yes even though I didn’t want to. I suffer with low self esteem so It’s hard to say no to people. He stuffed his hand down my shirt, and I wanted to cry. I quickly told him to stop which he did until he continued trying to squeeze my chest throughout the movie which I immediately shut down. After I left he texted me and said that he was sorry if he crossed a line, which my DUMBASS said “it’s okay”. And then he immediately followed up with “is it okay if we just have a day where we just touch each other” that line haunts me and I mad that I nonchalantly said no instead of cursing him out like I did in my head. This happened a few weeks ago and it keeps me up at night and I feel gross and disgusted with myself. We’re still texting and I feel obligated to reply because he’s says nice things to me and we were pretty good friends before this and have similar interests. I feel like I have to play along with this because I’m afraid of hurting his feelings even though he hurt mine. It’s stupid right? Though I feel like I already am because I keep making up excuses for why I can’t hang out with him right now. I’m afraid it will happen again. I can’t doge him for long though because he invited me to his going away party (he’s going to Europe for his senior year), I feel like I’m being crappy if I break things off before it. But I’d also rather be anywhere but that party I don’t know any of his friends or the people who are going to be there anyway. A week ago his mom sent me an rsvp invite that I’ve been procrastinating on until my situationship texted me today that I had to rsvp now because his mom won’t stop yelling at him because I haven’t confirmed that I’m going. He said that it wouldn’t be fun without me there and that he wanted me. I stupidly told my mom about the party and how I didn’t want to go (I never told her about how he touched me because that’s scary), she told me “he’s been nothing but nice to you, you will go. I didn’t raise you to be so cruel.” That’s when I mentally broke down. I just needed someone to talk about this to but i just can’t. I ended up replying that I’ll go, I hate everything’s right now. I feel like I’m victimizing myself, I’m so stressed about this whole thing. I’m bothered about all the flirty and borderline perverted text messages he sent me, and the thought of him touching me is repulsing. I guess I made my bed so I have to lie in it and figure something out but I’m scared and a coward. I hate confrontation but that what life’s about I guess. I’m disgusted by myself and the person I’m talking to but then again he makes me laugh and then I get confused. I’m disgusted that I force my self to play along and act like everything is okay when I’m not. I feel like it’s my fault that I let it get this way and that I’m playing with his emotions now. Can anyone tell me what I should do?