Check this out. Guy I matched with this morning seemed great. Funny, cultured, great conversationalist. But the first thing he said to me after hello was “are you real?” He probably considered me “out of his league,” so I was not very bothered with him asking that and answered that I was. He then asked to FaceTime, to which I declined since it was 7am and I had a bonnet and no makeup on (I also generally just don’t like FaceTiming people). He asked why not. I explained my reasons, then offered to send him additional photos instead and even sent a voice message.
He then asked for a phone call. Again, it’s 7 am, but I agree bc why not. We talk on the phone and really vibe. He’s hilarious. I text him saying I really enjoyed the convo and that I look forward to talking to him more. He asks me on a date, to which I accept.
Several hours later, he asks me AGAIN to FaceTime. I repeat that I don’t do that this early. He again asks why. I didn’t respond and am now about to hit him with the “we’re not compatible” message.
To men, this would seem petty af, but to women who are vigilant and aware, this is a glaring red flag for a man who cannot respect boundaries or take “no”’for an answer. A man who cannot respect boundaries is more likely to be controlling, abusive, and manipulative. I say all that to say, we are not rejecting men out the gate for petty reasons for the sake of being petty. We literally have to be vigilant for our own safety.
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This would not be an example of the “pettiest thing”
Yeah. It really sucks, because I can see how some men could get narrowly fixated on FaceTime as a means of confirming either that you’re real or that you really look the way you do in your pictures, especially with all the bots and “catfish” (in sense of using outdated or filtered photos) out there. He was probably acting like this because he was excited about you, and wanted to make sure you were real before letting himself get invested.
And like I get that it’s one thing to care about that stuff, but (a) being *this* fixated on that this early signals he’s obsessing about your appearance—red flag—and (b) as you said, this is the behavior of scary men who push and push and won’t accept “no” for an answer.
Sorry that happened to you!
He should have taken no for an answer, however I also understand why he wanted proof you were real. There’s a lot of bots and scammers out there.
Edit: I misread, I thought she declined FaceTime twice
I mean on the one hand he either didn’t mean it (which is still problematic since unintentionally violating boundaries is still a problem) or he did.
At least you gave him a couple strikes before he was out.
I know women need to be careful, but dating apps still make me feel disposable unless I do everything correctly and even then I’ll get thrown away for countless other reasons that aren’t about safety. My most recent match ignored me because I didn’t ask a question in one message out of the many I sent with a question. If that’s not petty, then idk what is.
My guess is that he probably got fooled by fakes before. Men that are not amongs the top 5-10% most attractive usually only match with either fake profiles or women way below their league (looks wise). So when they match with women within or above their league it is understandable that they get suspicious
I’m the same I don’t do FaceTimes unless we’re going to be meeting the day before the date.
I wish I had men’s fears on dating apps instead of women’s. Imagine the worst thing your date could do is look different than their pictures and not call you back after you buy them a drink. Meanwhile women are sending their locations to friends for the real possibility that they’ll be assaulted or murdered.
A man who thinks you’ll drop everything to do what he wants at any hour **before he’s even met you** is not a petty reason to walk away. It’s a major red flag.
To a guy your reasons may seem petty, because most guys are used to walking through life and saying things off the cuff, without any repercussions or without even giving things much thought.
I went on a date with a guy who was trying to TRIP ME while we were walking and he asked if I’d ever been ankle checked before. I said no, frowned, and moved away. He accused me of playing hard to get. Then he asked what my love languages are, I said I wasn’t really into that. He goes, well MINE is physical touch, and proceeds to slide his sweaty hand into mine for the next two hours. Every time I pulled away he found a way to replace it. Honestly, by the end of the date I was repulsed and wanted nothing else to do with him. I politely declined a second date. He proceeds to beg me to give him another chance to fix things, then begs me for friendship, then sends another text saying to be friends. Like the boundary ignoring was out of this world. I eventually had to block him and I still feel guilty.
Long story short, you gotta trust your instincts and look out for yourself.
I always find it weird when they say that because when you give the guy a chance and he turns out to be toxic, a cheater, abusive or just a bad partner …they’ll say you ignored the red flags or the little things that probably would show he wasn’t the best dude so it’s your fault.
Yeah, he could have scheduled a FaceTime session instead of trying to force it on you.
I often suspect the women I’m talking to are bots but I still act respectfully anyway.
Men refusing to acknowledge and respect boundaries is the furthest thing from “petty”.
Women have literally been murdered because they didn’t take red flags like this seriously enough. (Not victim blaming, don’t come at me.)
To any guys reading this post, if you’re more comfortable video chatting to avoid fakes, that’s fine?
Just doing be weird or pushy about it like this. Who tf is asking for phone calls let alone a video call at 7am lmao tf
I’ve had girls yell at me in the past for even texting them that early. Sheesh.
It sounds like he needs to learn the hard way to accept a “no” from a woman. Sadly, he will probably convince himself that you rejected him because he wanted to FaceTime (because he thinks you’re catfishing or scamming) instead of taking the opportunity to self reflect and learn something.
Disconnect between genders. Dude has run into so manny catfishes and scammer dude is trying validate you are who you said you are.
Women see this as a red flag because he persists past the intial no.
He could just wait. But is anxious to make sure he isnt wasting his time.
>To men, this would seem petty af
Man here: this doesn’t seem petty at all. This guy is pushing your boundaries and unwilling to accept your suggestions of perfectly reasonable compromises.
Wow, NTA. Setting boundaries isn’t drama, it’s survival.
When I refuse to exchange phone numbers until after the first date, their response says a lot. If they keep pressing, I too get turned off of staying matched.
The solution for everyone involved would have been if he just had the patience and awareness to ask “when is a good time to have a FaceTime?”
We do have to be vigilant and aware which sucks but glad most of us are actually taking caution! I refuse to give out my real phone number which is a red flag for most men but there’s so much you can find with a phone number and it’s scary out there.
For the face time, if you mentioned it was too early and you weren’t ready (due to the bonnet), that would explain why he asked several hours later since he might’ve assumed you’ve gotten dressed and would be open to face timing. Could just be miscommunication. However, if you blatantly said you don’t like face time at all and he still tried to sway your opinion on it….then yeah, not petty at all for ending the conversation.
It’s cause he got catfished before and now doesn’t trust anyone.
Dude was sick of scammers & bots. I’ve asked similar before. Has nothing to do with thinking your out of my league
I broke up with a girl for doing this kind of thing to me, constantly invading my space and demanding my attention when I was not in a good position to give it.
I had a guy complain I was a bot because of my vocabulary and how I speak. I used the word “eldest” when referring to my eldest child and apparently “real people” don’t talk that way. What’s worse is I had a picture of myself from my clavicles up in my work uniform in my office in my profile. He could tell from the color of my scrubs and the color of the paint on the walls where I worked including what department because he worked for the same hospital. We knew multiple of the same people and he still called me a bot. The paranoia and level of stupidity was an insant red flag and I dropped him.
„He then asked to FaceTime, to which I declined since it was 7am and I had a bonnet and no makeup on (I also generally just don’t like FaceTiming people)” – maybe he thought that couple of hours later you’d be ready to FaceTime, with your make up on?
Sometimes we jump to conclusions super fast before we even know the true reasoning behind someone’s behavior
Though it sound like he was pushy about it, which is not cool, I’d imagine it’s because he’s been burned by this before and it’s not actually about larger issues of trust and control.
What he doesn’t trust is dating apps.
I think this is a case of both of you guys trying to protect yourselves. him: anxiously protecting himself from catfishing. You: protecting your self from a possible pushy person. I see both sides tbh. as a woman, I would not want to FaceTime at 7am. Let me have my damn coffee first and get myself together. lol He just needed to have a little patience