TL;DR – Partner won’t let me hang out with guy friends. Not sure what to do.
I’m having trouble handling this situation with my partner. We’ve been together for almost 9 months. He has an issue with any scenario where I’m one-on-one with a guy, friend or not. Honestly, even in group settings with guys, there’s always something that I did wrong. He also doesn’t like me going to bars, parties, or clubs since “guys are going to flirt with me.” He claims that he doesn’t trust other guy’s intentions and that it’s not about trust between us. I believe that this is not a realistic view for him to have and that it comes from a place of trauma and insecurity. He has been cheated on in two different relationships and had abandoned issues from his mother. I originally (and stupidly!) agreed to having no guy friends without realizing how impactful that would be. After expressing my frustration, he accused me of neglecting his feelings because if anything changes in my favor (not his words) it would make him uncomfortable.
I’ve expressed many times that I feel like his views are controlling and unhealthy but he is certain that he’s right. I don’t believe this is truly who he is as a person but I do think it’s a response from his trauma, so I want to work on it. How do I get him to realize his actions are negatively affecting me? Do I guide him into therapy and, if so, how?
Any comments, advice or not, are appreciated!
19 comments
The only person you can change is yourself. And you need to change yourself into someone who realizes that this man is abusing you, harming you, and you need to leave.
This is who he is. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you agreeing to his toxic “boundaries” is just feeding into the idea that he’s right to have them.
You have to get out.
How has he responded when you suggested therapy before?
“He has an issue with any scenario where I’m one-on-one with a guy, friend or not.”
In what kind of scenarios are you hanging out one-on-one with a guy who isn’t your friend?
Totally agree he should get therapy regarding his past but just want more information for specific advice.
This is who he truly is. You’re wanting and hoping for him to be different but no, this is him. The very first thing he wants is control over you and he doesn’t care if his actions are affecting you negatively. All that matters is he gets his way. You gotta get out of there. He’ll keep coming up with more restrictions the longer you stay.
This is very unhealthy and controlling. You hit the nail on the head when you told him that him not trusting other guys was not a realistic view. You cannot control who approaches you, only how you respond – in his eyes, he fears you choosing someone better and leaving him. So no he doesn’t trust you, not because of anything you’ve done and you as a person, but from his own insecurities and trauma (once again you nailed it). This is giving him a sense of control to keep you around, and a protection method to prevent him from getting hurt. It sounds like you have voiced how you felt and he got defensive, and after reading your reply to someone else, you have mentioned therapy and he has shut it down. I can tell you love him but this is not your issue to fix. In fact, someone who doesn’t see themselves in the wrong is not going to change – there is nothing you can do to make him realize that. Until he chooses to acknowledge his unhealthy behaviors, this will continue to be an unhealthy relationship that will drain you. His trauma and life experiences are his responsibility to work through, not yours. You are young – you have to prioritize your needs and your well being before this relationship. Don’t waste time on someone who is not ready to change, your life is yours – it is not his to control and it shouldn’t revolve around trying to fix him.
Think about this: if you had a best friend going through this same exact situation, brought up therapy and everything to their partner but it was a no so they are at a loss… what would you say to them? do you think they deserve something better? would you tell them to keep trying? or to stick to their own boundaries and walk away?
Sounds like you are the one who needs therapy. You’re delusional if you think this is a minor flaw that you can overlook. He won’t change. He’s toxic. Move on. Stop lying to yourself and minimizing things.
“My relationship is perfect except my partner doesn’t trust me, is controlling, and won’t take steps to address his toxic behavior”
Sis, really? Come on.
«Hey boyfriend, I do not feel comfortable with you dictating who I spend time with, as long as I act with respect for our relationship. From now on, I will do xyz. I’m sorry if that hurts you, and I’m willing to help you work through those feelings in therapy, but I will not let you control me anymore.»
> My (21F) relationship would be perfect if my partner (20M) went to therapy
Yes, wouldn’t it be great if we could all shape and mold our partners into the kind of people we envision for ourselves? I mean, imagine if we could get them to therapy to solve all their issues and baggage and then come out as new for us.
> I don’t believe this is truly who he is as a person
That’s a textbook example of denial.
> How do I get him to realize his actions are negatively affecting me?
I can assure you that a huge part of his belief system is that you’re not within your rights to be negatively affected by this kind of behavior and if you are, it’s because you’re untrustworthy so he’s been right all along.
> Do I guide him into therapy
It’s not your place to “guide” a grown man into anything. It *is* your place to assume responsibility for your own choices of what you accept and invite into your life. You need to guide yourself out of this relationship and into a healthier and more realistic mindset.
You cannot force someone to change. Neglecting your own wellbeing and let him do this to you is enabling him. In his eyes, everything is fine, everything is solved by isolating you. He says he doesn’t trust the other guy’s intentions since he’s been cheated on twice, but cheating comes from both sides, so in a way he’s indirectly also not trusting you. Also a sign of not trusting you is: “Honestly, even in group settings with guys, there’s always something that I did wrong.”
He might not be ready for a relationship.
You’re too young for this shit. Don’t waste your time on him, he’s not going to get better.
Stop trying to fix him. Your “perfect” boyfriend is just another controlling young man who uses his trauma as a way to control you. And you’re seemingly falling for it. Why? You should actually be insulted that he’s projecting issues he’s had with other women onto you and making you responsible for his feelings. That’s ridiculous op. You can’t change him. You’re not Jesus Christ. 🙄
Also, therapy isn’t just a magic word that fixes everything. You only get out of therapy what you’re willing to put into it and it can take years to take hold/be helpful. Your post is straight up delulu, sis.
“My relationship would be perfect if I could change how my partner is.”Um yeah… that’s not how it works.
Your partner is insecure. He does not have to trust other guys, he has to trust you. As result, he is a controlling AH. This is not okay.
If he refuses to go to therapy and get help then I would be done. Guide him? No. You tell him that he’s behaviour is fucked up and he needs to get help while you’re out. It’s not up to you to work on his problems. He needs to understand how toxic he is and want to fix it. If he is just going to therapy to appease you, then he will just slip back into the same controlling BS.
You can only control your boundaries.
Oh this one is easy. He says you can’t do XYZ.. You say..LOLs yeah I can. If you don’t like the door is that way. This is a YOU issue babes. Get some therapy or find a girl who is willing to be controlled.
I agree , the only thing I’d add is that he should remain in therapy .
The other alternative to him going to therapy for you is him going to another country
That would be perfect
You are not dating the man you’ve made up in your head, you were dating the man in front of you. The man in front of you is jealous and controlling; if it stems from a past issues he hasn’t worked through or resolved, he’s not showing any signs that he cares or is going to address them. The only behavior you have control over is yours
He’s not going to therapy unless he wants to, and you can’t make him.
Now, imagine that this is the best it ever gets. And imagine spending another year like this. Another ten. The rest of your life. How do you feel? Listen to THAT feeling and let it guide you.
You dump him. The only way he is ever going to acknowledge that HE has a problem, that HE needs to get help for, is if he can’t keep a girlfriend because of it.
His issues are not yours to fix. The only way to stay in this relationship is for you to bend over backwards for his comfort, and that just isn’t right. For either of you.
Don’t even bother with an ultimatum. Because even if he miraculously agreed to therapy to keep you it won’t work, because he’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. Just end the relationship, tell him to get help if he ever wants a successful relationship and then walk away.