This is my first time posting on Reddit, even though I’ve had an account for like a year, lol. I usually just read other people’s stories, but I guess now I’m the one looking for some outsider perspective. I don’t even know if I’m overthinking or just too in my head right now or maybe I’m just blowing this out of proportion Idk I’m a mess right now but anyways….this is going to be a long read sorry.
I’m Julian, 21M, and my girlfriend Elena is 30F. Yes, I know the age gap’s a thing. 9 years, people always have something to say about it, but I’m a grown adult, alright and I get that it looks "weird" to some people, but it’s not like that. We’re in love, like, I can’t imagine my life without her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’ve been together for about a year, and she’s so amazing, always looking out for me when I was in a really bad spot.
I dropped out of community college last year cause I couldn’t handle classes and work, plus stuff at home was a total mess. My mom’s been struggling with drinking and mental health stuff since my dad died when I was a kid. I was stuck paying bills, keeping the house together, all that. It got so bad I had to crash with a friend, but that was rough too.
Me and Elena met when I was working at a coffee shop a couple blocks from her office at this big graphic design company that does branding for huge clients. She’s a senior designer there, super talented, not running the place but she has a solid role. She’d come in most mornings for her usual black coffee, sometimes a latte if she was in a good mood. We started talking while I made her drinks, first about the music on the shop’s playlist: we both love indie bands like Tame Impala and Phoebe Bridgers. Then we got into graphic design, cause I used to mess around with Photoshop and Illustrator, making posters for my friends’ bands just for fun when I was younger. She’d talk about her work, like designing logos or client presentations, and I thought she was so beautiful, way out of my league with a really nice smile and charming personality and so of course I’d get all nervous around her, but she was always so nice, never made me feel dumb for stumbling over my words.
One day, she mentioned their team was short-staffed cause an office assistant quit, and they needed someone to handle stuff like emails, scheduling meetings, and organizing project files. I’d told her the coffee shop job sucked: It had bad pay and brutal hours. She asked if I’d ever thought about office work, and I was like, “Not really, but I’d try it.” She didn’t promise me anything, just said they were hiring and I should apply. I thought there was no way I’d get it, but I was desperate, so I sent my resume, got an interview, and somehow landed the job as a junior office assistant.
We kept talking at work, got super close, and a few months later, we started dating. When my friend’s lease ended and I had nowhere to go, she let me move into her apartment. She’s never made me feel like I owe her, and I’m so grateful. She’s always doing sweet stuff, like buying me gifts, shoes, watches, or picking out clothes she thinks I look good in and I trust her cause she’s got such good taste. It’s the first time I’ve felt very secure and at peace.
But last Friday, we had this big fight, and I’m still so upset, mostly at myself. Elena invited some friends over for dinner at her place, like 5 or 6 people. I’d only met one of them before, and I suck at meeting new people. My social anxiety’s bad, I get sweaty hands and can’t think of what to say. I didn’t wanna ruin the vibe, so I tried to act normal, laugh at their jokes, throw in a comment or two. I even wore this new t shirt she had picked out for me, thinking it’d help me fit in, but I still felt like I didn’t belong. They’re all her age, talking about their careers, marketing campaigns, stuff I don’t really get.
At one point, I tried to hold her hand on the table, cause I was freaking out inside and just wanted to feel close to her or maybe reassured and just needed simple cute contact but she brushed my hand off and pulled her hand away super fast and kept talking to her friend like nothing. I know it’s a small thing, but it did hurt me so bad and I felt like she was embarrassed of me or didn’t want them to know we’re together. I sat there the rest of dinner feeling dumb, stupid, awkward and so out of place.
After her friends left, we were cleaning up in the kitchen, and I told her I felt ignored and mentioned the hand thing. I wasn’t trying to pick a fight, I swear, just wanted her to understand how tough it was for me. But she got annoyed and said I was “making everything about me” and that I’m “always so awkward” around her friends and it's not her fault I lack social skills. I’ve told her about my social anxiety, and she’s usually so supportive, and she's even seen me work through it even, but this time it felt like she was throwing it in my face.
I then asked why she pulled her hand away, and she said I was being “way too sensitive” and imagining stuff and that never happened. We started arguing louder, and yeah, I cried I was really frustrated. I hate fighting/or any sort of conflict with her. It genuinely makes me feel awful, and I felt so shut down. She said sorry later that night, but I couldn’t shake it and her apology didn’t feel sincere to me I felt like she just apologized for the sake of it.
The next day, I grabbed some clothes and went to my mom’s to get some space. My mom’s trying to stay sober, but it’s a roller coaster, and being there’s not great she just watches TV all day, barely talks and sleeps, its a bit awkward every time we talk but it’s a familiar place to be I guess. She noticed I had been quiet and asked what’s up, so I told her most of it and why we fought. She already knew about me and Elena. She wasn’t happy about the age gap at first when I told her we were dating, with all the chaos in my life back then, but she got over it when she saw I wasn’t gonna break up with her just cause people don’t get it. I told her I love her and I mean it so so much. I’m an adult, and this is my choice. She didn’t say much, but last night she said, “You gotta listen to your heart and pick what you really want, not what’s easy. What do you want?” I don’t even know how to answer that. I’m so confused right now.
It’s been a few days, and my girlfriend’s been texting and calling, saying she’s sorry and wants to talk again but I haven’t replied. I don’t know if I’m being a jerk or just need space. I love her so much, but I hate feeling like I’m too much or not good enough for her.
TL;DR:
I (21M) love my girlfriend (30F), who helped me through a rough time and got me a job. But after a dinner with her friends where she brushed off my attempt to hold her hand, I felt embarrassed and ignored. I brought it up, we argued, and I left to stay at my mom’s for space. She’s apologized, but I haven’t responded. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just protecting myself.