My (26M) gf (24F) and I had a fight for a few hours and I've been spinning about it for a while.
Essentially, we have an intercultural relationship and I've been a secret to her parents for years. Because of this, she isnt comfortable making elaborate lies for us to go traveling for a weekend, or take the car and visit me unless she's already going out and has an alibi. I understand and respect her not wanting to lie to her parents, and I admire that – not an issue for me.
However, when she makes plans with her friends that I wish she could make with me, I do feel pangs of sadness about it. And I know I can't have it, so I think I get a bit needy and look for reassurance in other ways (like asking her lots of questions about her evening, and saying Id love to do these things in the future with her too). I'm not upset with her, just that the situation is what it is. Not her fault, but I am allowed to feel sad. On her most recent week long girl trip, she told me she didnt miss me point blank because all her needs were met. This really made me feel sad. I recognize she doesn't owe me these experiences and I'm so happy she's having them, but I still miss her and it hurt when she said she didn't miss me.
So last night I told her I just felt some sadness about these things. She felt annoyed that I expressed this to her, because it put a dampener on her trip now, it made her feel guilty about having friends and she said things about how she can't control her brain and shouldnt feel bad for having fun and not missing me and being that way. She said "I only miss you when life is boring and mundane". She got quite mad at me. She said "You knew from day one I was going to live life on my terms guilt free and do whatever I want". I think I explained myself clearly and calmly and just wanted to explain that I was sad without blame for some validation in the moment. I picked a bad time, it was like 12am, and she had just come from meeting some of my family members and did 2 long bus rides in the heat. It was definitely not the right time to bring it up and it was on me, but it came out anyway.
Now to the main part I suppose. she said to me "If you are upset that I think of you primarily when life is still, then you need help. Get therapy, I am literally begging you". Another point she said "I'm tired of hearing your negative thoughts and feelings, so you need to talk to someone. I don't deserve to hear that". Stuff like this. She has suggested I get therapy a number of times, mostly because I accidentally embarrass her in public because lm silly (wear a jacket inside out, hold her purse effeminately, talk a little too loudly at a restaurant, etc). It's become a pattern.
The other element to this pattern is that she has been in therapy a long time herself, meanwhile I am a practicing therapist (and she's training rn to be one). I know that therapy doesn't work on a client who doesn't believe they need it. I used my coping skills, I said everything in our fight calmly, asked her if her words were really what she meant, I used my I feel statements, I said sorry and took accountability for not conveying a couple things perfectly, etc. these are not things she did unfortunately. This sounds blamey, but if you believe me so far, it is unfortunately true. I had to ask her to please stop being rude and she said "Fine." Twice.
I think she won't believe I work as hard as she does to keep the relationship working until she can see a price tag on my efforts, meaning I go to therapy and do what she's doing. I don't believe the therapy will be effective because she tells me to do it in heated moments when it feels weaponized against my emotions. This is not convincing me I actually need a therapist's help, especially when I am one myself and I have a suspicion I know how the process will work. I also don't believe the problem is my own, but rather a shared issue (à la couples counselling). But I dont think she'd like hearing me suggest she needs therapy + couple counseling. I know how it sounds to be like "I don't think Im the problem", but a therapist believes the client has answers and their job is to elucidate those answers. If I have the answers, I just need to reflect and draw them out, which I am capable of doing without dropping $200/hour.
So the fundamental to my question is, although I dont disagree that therapy can help, it's a large price tag. Do I suck for not believing Ive hit the threshold of "okay, I need help"? I feel like I am well equipped, cope well, communicate respectfully and with kindness (sure, not perfect), and understand my psychology adequately. The only motivator I have to go is because my girlfriend will respect me more on the basis of me going in and of itself.
Thanks all. Let me know if you have suggestions as well that are more than therapy/open honest conversation with her.
4 comments
If you are actually a therapist then you know that you need a therapist so you can process your own shit and still be able to show up for clients. I call bullshit.
Calling bullshit, it’s unethical as hell to be prying into each other’s needs for therapy like this.
Look, if you’re a therapist then surely you understand that this is not a healthy or even a “real” relationship.
You’re a secret, she only wants to be around you or talk to you if something better isn’t going on. She lives with her parents and instead of getting out so she is not dependent on them and can live her life, she just has you on the back burner.
She’s very clearly told you that she doesn’t give a damn about your feelings, needs, or wants and is—and plans to continue—prioritizing hers at all times in all circumstances.
What kind of partner is that?
Why are you with her? She doesn’t like a very nice person from what you’ve written.
The fact that you’re a secret to her parents is an immediate red flag. I understand that for some cultures this can be a big issue and a difficult thing to bring up with parents, but her culture doesn’t give her the right to treat you like shit. Your feelings are equally valid. Honestly from what else you’ve written, it sounds like she’s using this as an excuse to keep the relationship entirely on her terms. I’m not saying it isn’t true, but I don’t get the sense she has any plans to change your situation.
Whilst it’s normal not to miss your partner all of the time, saying things ‘I only miss you when life is boring and mundane’ is pretty cruel. I’m not sure how else you can interpret a statement like that. Her saying ‘you knew from day one I was going to live life on my terms guilt free and do whatever I want’ is a huge red flag! She’s telling you point blank that her wants and needs in the relationship have priority over yours. She’s extremely selfish and that doesn’t make for a good partner.
I also don’t like the things you’ve highlighted as ’embarrassing her’. These are totally unintentional things, and they’re not particularly embarrassing. It’s bizarre to me that she feels embarrassed about these minor things in the first place, but the fact she brings them up to you is more worrying because I’m not sure what the end goal is other than to erode your self esteem.
From one people pleaser to another, you need to leave this relationship. You’ll end up emotionally exhausted and unfulfilled because you’re working really hard to keep this relationship stable, and none of your needs are being met.
I don’t think therapy’s a bad shout in all honesty, but not for the reason your girlfriend suggests but to learn how to value yourself and set boundaries, but that’s entirely up to you. You certainly don’t need it, but you may find it helpful.