Today:
My husband and I are 30 and 31. We’ve been five years married both. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I went on his Reddit account today and found he followed this girl from OF. I mean I get its pics posted of half naked pics of boobs and what not of this 24 or 27 year old female. It’s basically porn but like following that page when we barely have sex once a week or once every two weeks.
TL;DR:
How do I go forward this? Like I feel hurt and mad. I don’t want to create an argument over this but I just feel idek how to explain or what to do. Like should I be mad because he doesn’t ask me for nude photos or have sex with me often? It’s already hard enough asking for physical affection from him. He use to follow attractive girls on snap several years ago but he doesn’t have the app anymore. I just feel so confused emotionally but also hurt bc past issues when dating five years ago.
15 comments
Almost every guy masturbates. I don’t think the fact that he does is strange. The bigger problem is your intimacy concerns generally. That is definitely worth a conversation or maybe counseling
If it’s genuinely ruining your connection and marriage go to r/loveafterporn
I personally doubt porn is the problem. There is something else (intimacy/sexual needs) that needs to be addressed. Getting upset about the wrong thing isn’t going to help solve the problem. It may actually push you both farther apart.
I think you’re entitled to your feelings.
If you feel disrespected because he’s following a OF girl you should have that conversation with him and explain why it hurts you.
OP, do you know exactly why this is upsetting and frustrating to you? Knowing that will make it much easier to get to the root of the issue and finding a solution.
If you’re worried about him looking at people that aren’t you, what if you did a boudoir photoshoot and gave them to him as a present?
The easiest way to work this out is talking. No accusations, no yelling or finger pointing. Just talking.
Whatcha doing poking around on his reddit account…
I hear what you are saying, these are confusing times we live in – and marriage, as many of us understood it, isn’t like that anymore. And nobody really lets you know about the real dynamics of married life, the shadow side if you wish. You are havign to learn early on in your own way: he seems to lean towards the porno side, maybe not heavily, because porn has become so normal in just a decade, It is like eating chocolate and cake and then not wanting regular meals. But where does that leave you – that is the question here. You appear & its commendable that you not storm off and “accuse” him … there is no ideal solution. The only one I know would be to talk to him honestly – and only when the time is right, about how all that makes you feel – you giving your all, and he only partially. Not many men have that kind of integrity, that kind of spiritual/character base. That leaves you with mentioning it but not expecting lasting changes. He’s got you – the wife, and comforts of home, the safety and security of a partner, a companion for the social events and is good with that, but doesn’t think much of his little habit. For you – I am not sure what to say. Because you have to come to terms with this or it will cause you a problem, emotionally or physically. Perhaps for you this is the realization that you are married to a flawed human being. And perhaps that gives you the impetus, the push to develop your self in ways you might not otherwise have considered. A certain freedom to grow in your profession – or get one if you are not there yet, to reconsider children – feel free just like he feels free (and I dont mean anything sexual for you) just the reality that your partner is not fully committed, not fully there with you. I hope I was able to shed some light, some clarity. Wishing you the very best
It’s totally understandable to be upset or frustrated when needs aren’t being met.
And in this case, I’m not sure if you both have had any previous conversation about the role of porn in your relationship, but depending on those agreements, finding out that he’s engaging with it could be upsetting & feel like a betrayal in itself.
Also, not to mention, realizing that your needs aren’t being met AND he’s getting his met elsewhere is frustrating.
It sounds like the main concern is that there isn’t as much intimacy & sex in the relationship as you would like.
To be honest, there are a lot of unknowns here, so it’s hard to accurately assess what’s going on without more context.
I would be curious to ask how long this has been happening? What are your routines? Does he have a low sex drive? Have you talked about the lack of intimacy with him already? How do you both understand intimacy? how often both of you are wanting to engage in it?
These can be important & valid conversations to be had in any relationship in order to keep it healthy over the long term.
If his behavior & lack of intimacy is new, then it might be indicative of something going on within his mind at a deeper level. There could also be low libido issues or something else that might warrant a doctors visit.
That’s why starting with a sit down conversation about it with him would be a great first step, so you both get on the same page & can work together to figure out what’s going on.
My DM’s are always open, let me know if you have any questions!
Your tl;dr is longer than the actual post
girl I’m so sorry, that would mess w/ me too. it’s not even the OF part, it’s that u gotta *ask* for intimacy while he’s out here following thirst traps. totally get why u feel hurt
Why does he have to ask you for sex? Does he have to ask you for food, or to sleep? You are having sex once a week, and he is asking for it every time? You know what he doesn’t have to ask for, nudes on the Internet. It’s super easy barely an inconvenience. He just looks at his phone, tap tap tap nudes. Maybe talk to him about it.
I would sit him down and say I wonder why you look at porn when you don’t give me anything either counseling or we need to separate cause I’m not going to live like this forever
You now have a great look at the kinds of pictures your man likes. Send some of your own to him and see if that sex frequency doesn’t improve
Where did all the woman go to who usually scream about how other woman are entitled to their own mood and sexuality?
According to those, it’s rarely porn or a new flame who’s responsible for the drop but rather a sympthom of deep, underlying issues in the relationship.
They allways vanish when a woman is beeing left with a unsatisfying sex life or start blaming porn or something for some reason.
some of the comments will try to belittle you OP but if it hurts and feels out of the boundaries of your relationship, then it’s wrong and it matters.
i had a very similar situation with my partner and he was on porn subreddits because of unaddressed needs he hadn’t communicated to me out of embarrassment. we had an honest conversation about it, and we are much better for it now. you got this!!