For all my adolescent and young adult live the only interest I (22M) got from girls is them lusting over me, not once has anyone been interested in love. Now I don't want to turn this into a sob story or anything and I realize that in a way I should count myself lucky to elicit such reactions in girls, but oh my god does it sting every time I'm interested in a girl and she only sees me as a play thing for a month. To quickly wrap this part up before I wine too much, these experiences have left me with a very strong impression that the only way to receive affection is to play in to my sex appeal because I'm somehow not worthy of love (I rationally know this to be untrue but feelings aren't rational).
I've noticed now that I get massively anxious whenever I even just think about having sex. First i just assumed it was because I'm just not experienced enough yet so it's natural to feel anxious, but now I'm realizing that it's not normal to avoid sex altogether even if I account for that. It's only now that I'm connecting the dots that sex feels similar to a huge exam, but failing means that I won't receive affection anymore while it's also the only way to receive it, as it feels like my sex appeal is all girls care about. Couple this with the fact that I'm still not confident in my abilities yet and this disaster happens.
I'm at a loss here. It feels like the solution to this would be to be with someone who sees more in me than lust, but like I explained it feels like that day will never come (again, I know this to be untrue but I also know that I'll feel incredibly hopeless until the contrary is evidenced). At the same time, quitting casual relationships means no affection and I desperately crave that so that's a no go too.
Help!!!