Long version: Been married for 18 years, have 3 bio kids together and 1 adult stepson. Marriage has been rocky for a few years now. I realize I've played my part in the state or our marriage (never cheated, and never even so much as raised my voice to her). I've been deployed for 7 months and have 2 left to go. She was not happy at all about me going on deployment. I found out about 3 weeks ago that she has been texting another dude 30+ times a day every single day since March.
I asked her about this other guy, but I didn't tell her that I know about the volume of texting. The cell phone account is in my name, so I am able to see all of her call and text activity, I just can't see what the contents of the texts are. I was holding off on telling her that I know about the texting, because I feel that I need to see for myself, what they have been texting to each other and I fear that if I tell her, she'll take it to another app and delete all of her texts. Anyway, she said that he was "just a friend" that she met at the gym (the memes write themselves) and that there was nothing going on between them, it was just that he was going through a bad divorce, and she was feeling lonely and needed a friend. I'm sure I'll get called dumb, but I don't think there is actually something physical going on. She has taken 2 trips out of town by herself, and it was obvious from the texting that he didn't go with her because they were texting just as much, if not more than when she was home, especially in the evening.
We talked, I'm not sure how productive it was, because it was primarily me confessing to being a shitty husband for my lack of communication that has led us to the point that we're at. And I do take responsibility for my part in this, but I feel like she has taken zero accountability for the things that she's also done to push me away. And when I told her that I wanted to try and repair our relationship when I return and that I was willing to do whatever it took, she was very noncommittal.
This is of course giving me a tremendous amount of anxiety. I've talked with a couple of close friends about this here, so I am getting some support.
So, I'm just not sure if I should even bother trying at this point. If I do find out that she was having a physical affair, or they were sexting each other, it will be a complete deal breaker for me. But if their texting doesn't rise to that level, I'm willing to work things out. I just get the sense from her, that she just doesn't care about me anymore.
As the title says, is this relationship salvageable? And what can I do to bring her around?