A week ago we came back from our first proper vacation, which was pretty harmonic and nice all things considered. I was out two days with an air condition cold and we had one day where we had a conflict that we resolved on the same day, but overall it was really good trip and we came back very much in love with each other.
Love was never the issue in our relationship to begin with, we love each other dearly. The only issue we have is the constant ups and downs. She is a person that needs consistency and accountability more than anything. I am not a bad partner per se, but an inconsistent one at least. When we met, I was doing great. I was radiating good vibes, I was in the best shape of my life, I was on top of things and considered myself very happy. That is how she met me. Half a year later I was struggling with depression, so I can more than understand how she must feel about that. What followed was that I had a rough year, I lost a loved one in march and that coincided with me suddenly losing my two biggest clients out of nowhere leaving me basically struggling not to make really bad losses this year financially. I used to struggle with depression in my twenties and these two events took a heavy toll on my mental health and I entered a depressive episode.
When that happened, I was ashamed. Ashamed that I let these things affect me so much. I didn't want to burden my gf with my worries. I refused to acknowledge I was struggling after many years of working hard to get my shit together. I was not ready to struggle yet again. I hid behind a facade, I smoked a bunch of weed to suppress my feelings, I tried to distract myself by smoking and playing video games basically. This lead to me being emotionally unavailable many times, pushing her away because I felt pressured to be the partner she deserved, although all she ever wanted from me was to talk to her and not shut her out. She is a wonderful partner and she stayed with me because she loves me. I let her suffer from my inability to take action and be present.
We never lacked romance or intimacy, we would laugh together, we loved spending time together – when things were good, our relationship seemed phenomenal. When we went on dates, we always had a wonderful time.
It is not like she has always been a saint, there were also issues she brought into the relationship, but at least she communicated those and told me what she needed from me. I on the other hand was trying to keep my sadness and despair out of the relationship, leading to me not being there at times.
I realized all of this as it happened. I knew it was an issue only I can fix. I spent my time working, being with her and smoking at home. I knew I am sacrificing all the time I needed to work on myself by smoking and gaming. I knew and I didn't have it in me to stop.
Until two months ago. I stopped and got clean. I don't even know when the last time was that I smoked. It was horrible to be honest, because I had to deal with all these emotions I was suppressing. But I am clean and clear headed again. I am much calmer, much more composed, I started taking my training seriously again and from my perspective I think that things were going in a much better direction again.
When we came back from the vacation, we didn't even have a fight. I told her I wanted to stay with her after the trip and spend the weekend and keep having a great time, because I was enjoying it so much and just wanted to be with her. A few months ago that would have been music to her ears. We went to the movies on friday and on saturday we simply had a case of miscommunication which lead to a little argument, nothing bad – but it was the last drop to make a deep barrel of frustration overflow in her.
Frustration about inconsistent communication, frustration about yet another instance where she knew her needs wouldn't be met. And after all my bullshit, I cant even blame her.
Now she doesn't know if she can give it another shot. She is scared that I say all the right words yet again and nothing will change in the end. She is scared that I will be a saint for some time and then fall back into old habits.
What she doesn't know is that I am willing to fight for her and I have been doing so in silence for two months with things actually getting better. I feel like now is the time where I can finally give her what she deserves and now she is unable to take it.
I am waiting for her to make her decision and its killing me, because I love her so much and I know she loves me. If I lose her, I have only myself to blame.
For anyone that has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear some advice. How did it work out for you in the end?
TLDR: GF is fed up of my shit and needs to consider if she has it in her to give us one last chance to make it work.