How did you support your friend when she was in a terrible relationship but not ready or able to leave?
July 23, 2025
How did you support your friend when she was in a terrible relationship but not ready or able to leave?
21 comments
[removed]
Im honest, showing her the paths but respecting that shes not ready for them yet. I listen, I dont lie and I dont push
You answer her calls. You listen. You ask her questions that will elicit the kinds of answers she needs to hear herself say. Also suggest weekly girl dinners.
A lot of times, people stay in shitty relationships because they’re scared to be alone. Show them that they’re not alone. They’re supported, and they have a place and a life beyond their shitty partner.
Showing her what true love looks like to know that whatever her partner was doing to her isn’t love.
Be there for her. Answer her calls and hash it out with her. Ask questions to try and prompt her to say what she’s experiencing out loud. Sometimes talking about it and actually saying it to someone can put things in perspective to the person. Provide them with resources, if they need them. Offer them a place to stay temporarily if they need to leave quick.
Also, assure her that she deserves better and that there are other, better loves out there for her.
Does she want to leave?
If she wants to start quietly moving things out, could you store some at your place?
Could you hold money for her in your bank account?
I just said something like “i am going to say this once and then we are never going to have this conversation again unless you bring it up, okay so please let me finish. I love you so much as my friend. You are such an amazing, caring, smart and lovable person. It hurts me to see that you don’t see that and don’t seem to believe it. But you’re an adult and you make the choices in your life. Even if that means you are with someone who doesn’t deserve a minute of your time. I just hope you know that I am always here for you if you need a friend to listen to you, a hug from someone that loves you, or someone to crash with for a while while you get back on your feet. I will always be here for you. No matter what happens I am always just a phone call away.” And then I drop it. There is absolutely nothing more I can do for them until they want it. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
What does “not ready to leave” mean?
It’s excruciating. I didn’t know the extent of the abuse until she was ready to leave, but I pointed to the changes in HER behavior I was seeing. I tried to hold up a mirror so she could see what I could see…and Waited for her to realize she couldn’t save him. Though, I don’t have a good filter and did end up pushing her away for a bit…when I found out through mutual that he hit the wall next to her head, I called and asked when she wanted me to come get her and the dogs. Divorce proceedings began soon after that.
Be there for her. Listen to her and be empathic. Encourage her to get herself out, but do not pass judgement if she doesn’t. Speaking from personal experience, she will withdraw if she feels like you’re annoyed with her or that you’re exhausted by her situation.
Also, as a note for when she does leave, don’t assume that it will be all good and she’ll be emotionally well again. She’s going to be going through a lot emotionally. It may not seem like it at first, but she definitely is. Check in on her, offer to spend time with her if you can. My friends didn’t check up on me at all after I left my toxic relationship because they assumed because it was over, I was fine. I was not fine.
I told her, “I’m your emergency exit plan.” Whenever she needed a break, my place was open…snacks, wine, and zero questions asked. Made sure she knew she always had a soft landing spot.
Validate feelings, restate/reflect how they say they’re feeling back to them, don’t offer opinions such as “leave them”, consistently remind them how wonderful they are and what they deserve, show them the treatment they deserve by being a supportive and loving friend.
🙄 I was there for her and then she went back with him, finally divorced him and got with another “man” that did the same thing to her and she took him back.
I am the friend who was supported, more than 34 years ago.
She:
1. Set up different safe words so she would know if I was safe, or what level of concern was needed. We had levels, from call the neighbor to call the cops.
2. Allowed me to ship clothes and personal items to her house, in preparation for escape.
3. Sent me money so at the end, I could buy gas to get away without using money he would know about.
4. She believed me, supported me without judgement, and helped me make a plan.
5. She helped me work the plan, then protected me while we were executing the plan (she knew nothing, had heard nothing, had no idea… while I was driving the eight hours to her house)
6. She let me live with her for three months, until I could find a job, get paid, and get started again.
She has been my best friend since we were 16. We are 58 now, and she is still my best friend.
And… the happily ever after. I’ve been married to the other half of my soul for 32 amazing years. She helped me get there, and I will never forget it.
I’ve appreciated it when friends set healthy boundaries that showed me what that was like. They’d say they didn’t want to spend time with my partner and ask me to hang solo. They’d share their observations with me about the behavior they saw that concerned me. When it was an on again off again dramatic situation, one told me they were happy to hang out but didn’t want to hear about it anymore. When it was an emotionally toxic and abusive situation one made it clear they didn’t have interest in spending time with him but never shamed me for it. He was the first person I called when I got to my breaking point because I knew I could tell him and he’d support me in making a change, and I wasn’t ashamed that I’d been wrong.
I showed her how its done and i left. EZ. No need to be in a toxic relationship of any kind.
That depends… is she constantly talking about all the ways he is an AH, but then does nothing and/or returns repeatedly
Ill be done real quick with that, I cannot support someone who actively stays but then make it their “entire” personality, dont talk to me about it unless you seriously start the journey to go, and would end the friendship if out interactions would consistently be about the abuse/abuser
I will always resent my mother for staying, but temporarily fleeing when she was hit and then returning again, despite the abuse I suffered at his hands, the chaos it created, the helplessness I felt and how unworthy it made me feel.
If they are not like that I will tell them Ill support them when they are ready, probably offer various ways im willing to help
I have done the latter, i smuggled clothes out of her house for her and her children (i did my laundry there so we could hide her stuff in between my clean stuff and i didnt have a washer myself) had a go-bag ready to go at my place and brought the go-bag to a secondary location the day she went
Spend a lot of time at her place while he was drinking with my neighbours, waited till he got home before I left, acting as a buffer (he would fall asleep cuz he was drunk)
He never knew I helped her, but still made my life hell for 2,5 years simply because I was her friend, incl death threats, once she left
Due to my own childhood experience and what I experienced helping that friend (who got away and although she went through mental hell for a few years, has now been happy for 20 odd years in a loving relationship and her girls grew up happy and safe) I will and must protect my own sanity first and I cant allow that kind of drama/chaos into my life unless she is serious about going
I had to step away from a dear friendship I had in college. We were best friends, but her self esteem caused her to become mean, rude, distant, and cold. It was clear she had no interest in hearing anyone out and convinced herself that we all hated her boyfriend (we did.)
She saw our desire to want to hang out with her only and not include her boyfriend as us not supporting her relationship. Really, we just wanted to get the gang together for a night in or night out.
He spoke horribly about her. He was a loud drunk. He said racist things about Asian people around us (she and I are both Asian).
She was fully wrapped up in him. He was the first guy to “care” for her, which to her, meant he isolated her from all of the few friends she had left and threw a fit anytime he wasn’t included in girls nights and texted her incessantly keeping tabs on her.
After college I moved out of state and he convinced her to move 30 minutes out of the city.
I realized that she was fully closed off to anything remotely critical of him, and with me moving, I couldn’t keep in touch with her. She also said horrible things about me behind my back, and I’m still not sure if it was him talking or her.
I’ve always said I don’t think we would be able to be friends again unless they broke up, but it sounds like he’s set her up to feel like she’ll never get anybody better than him. Last I heard he bought a house an hour away from where she’s doing residency and refused to put her name anywhere on it, after they’ve been dating for 8 years.
She recently asked for financial help on Facebook for her cat’s medical bills. I sent $100 as an olive branch and never got any thank you or acknowledgement whatsoever, so I guess she’s still in deep. It’s a huge bummer. I keep in touch with our mutual friends a fair amount and everyone has drifted from her.
One of the nicest and smartest girls I knew. It’s a shame that her self esteem and self worth got her where she is now.
As others have said just be there for them. Her husband knew we were friends and came to my work to “introduce” himself to me to make sure I knew she had a husband,(I am gay). She was so embarrassed and started talking to me about what was going on. 18 months later I moved to another location for the same company but we stayed in touch and saw each other when life allowed it. Finally when I moved to another company in Virginia Beach she used it as a reason to take a vacation. He thought it was for 2 weeks. She stayed for 7 years as my roomie during my relationship and after it ended. She eventually went back but in her terms as a grandmother taking care of the kids and nothing to do with him. It seems to have worked. She had worked on herself while with us/me and was in a better place to go back and be a part of her 25+ year old daughters and their kids.
I was in your friend’s situation. It’s really hard to leave even if you have the opportunity. Depending on the circumstances, she may have been in a cycle of devaluation and then love bombing. So when it’s great when it’s great but when it’s not it’s terrible.
It took me a while but eventually I became disenchanted with him and the last time he tried to control me by blocking me, I walked away.
If you can, make a point to invite your friend to do more things together. Also, don’t outright tell her to leave him, this can push her closer to him because after every fight, she’ll be love-bombed and told that he’s sorry, and he’s gonna change, and he loves her more than anyone else.
Something my therapist said to me that finally made me understand, was “If your friend’s boyfriend did what your boyfriend did, what advice would you give her?” The answer was I’d tell her to kick him to the curb immediately.
I haven’t been in the position of helping a friend in a terrible relationship since hearing that important leading question, but next time I am, I would say “What if I told you (my boyfriend’s name) had done (her boyfriend’s shitty behavior) to me? What would you think I should do?” And I would make sure she knows I am there for her if she needs support, a place to stay, rides, etc.
21 comments
[removed]
Im honest, showing her the paths but respecting that shes not ready for them yet. I listen, I dont lie and I dont push
You answer her calls. You listen. You ask her questions that will elicit the kinds of answers she needs to hear herself say. Also suggest weekly girl dinners.
A lot of times, people stay in shitty relationships because they’re scared to be alone. Show them that they’re not alone. They’re supported, and they have a place and a life beyond their shitty partner.
Showing her what true love looks like to know that whatever her partner was doing to her isn’t love.
Be there for her. Answer her calls and hash it out with her. Ask questions to try and prompt her to say what she’s experiencing out loud. Sometimes talking about it and actually saying it to someone can put things in perspective to the person. Provide them with resources, if they need them. Offer them a place to stay temporarily if they need to leave quick.
Also, assure her that she deserves better and that there are other, better loves out there for her.
Does she want to leave?
If she wants to start quietly moving things out, could you store some at your place?
Could you hold money for her in your bank account?
I just said something like “i am going to say this once and then we are never going to have this conversation again unless you bring it up, okay so please let me finish. I love you so much as my friend. You are such an amazing, caring, smart and lovable person. It hurts me to see that you don’t see that and don’t seem to believe it. But you’re an adult and you make the choices in your life. Even if that means you are with someone who doesn’t deserve a minute of your time. I just hope you know that I am always here for you if you need a friend to listen to you, a hug from someone that loves you, or someone to crash with for a while while you get back on your feet. I will always be here for you. No matter what happens I am always just a phone call away.” And then I drop it. There is absolutely nothing more I can do for them until they want it. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
What does “not ready to leave” mean?
It’s excruciating. I didn’t know the extent of the abuse until she was ready to leave, but I pointed to the changes in HER behavior I was seeing. I tried to hold up a mirror so she could see what I could see…and Waited for her to realize she couldn’t save him. Though, I don’t have a good filter and did end up pushing her away for a bit…when I found out through mutual that he hit the wall next to her head, I called and asked when she wanted me to come get her and the dogs. Divorce proceedings began soon after that.
Be there for her. Listen to her and be empathic. Encourage her to get herself out, but do not pass judgement if she doesn’t. Speaking from personal experience, she will withdraw if she feels like you’re annoyed with her or that you’re exhausted by her situation.
Also, as a note for when she does leave, don’t assume that it will be all good and she’ll be emotionally well again. She’s going to be going through a lot emotionally. It may not seem like it at first, but she definitely is. Check in on her, offer to spend time with her if you can. My friends didn’t check up on me at all after I left my toxic relationship because they assumed because it was over, I was fine. I was not fine.
I told her, “I’m your emergency exit plan.” Whenever she needed a break, my place was open…snacks, wine, and zero questions asked. Made sure she knew she always had a soft landing spot.
Validate feelings, restate/reflect how they say they’re feeling back to them, don’t offer opinions such as “leave them”, consistently remind them how wonderful they are and what they deserve, show them the treatment they deserve by being a supportive and loving friend.
🙄 I was there for her and then she went back with him, finally divorced him and got with another “man” that did the same thing to her and she took him back.
I am the friend who was supported, more than 34 years ago.
She:
1. Set up different safe words so she would know if I was safe, or what level of concern was needed. We had levels, from call the neighbor to call the cops.
2. Allowed me to ship clothes and personal items to her house, in preparation for escape.
3. Sent me money so at the end, I could buy gas to get away without using money he would know about.
4. She believed me, supported me without judgement, and helped me make a plan.
5. She helped me work the plan, then protected me while we were executing the plan (she knew nothing, had heard nothing, had no idea… while I was driving the eight hours to her house)
6. She let me live with her for three months, until I could find a job, get paid, and get started again.
She has been my best friend since we were 16. We are 58 now, and she is still my best friend.
And… the happily ever after. I’ve been married to the other half of my soul for 32 amazing years. She helped me get there, and I will never forget it.
I’ve appreciated it when friends set healthy boundaries that showed me what that was like. They’d say they didn’t want to spend time with my partner and ask me to hang solo. They’d share their observations with me about the behavior they saw that concerned me. When it was an on again off again dramatic situation, one told me they were happy to hang out but didn’t want to hear about it anymore. When it was an emotionally toxic and abusive situation one made it clear they didn’t have interest in spending time with him but never shamed me for it. He was the first person I called when I got to my breaking point because I knew I could tell him and he’d support me in making a change, and I wasn’t ashamed that I’d been wrong.
I showed her how its done and i left. EZ. No need to be in a toxic relationship of any kind.
That depends… is she constantly talking about all the ways he is an AH, but then does nothing and/or returns repeatedly
Ill be done real quick with that, I cannot support someone who actively stays but then make it their “entire” personality, dont talk to me about it unless you seriously start the journey to go, and would end the friendship if out interactions would consistently be about the abuse/abuser
I will always resent my mother for staying, but temporarily fleeing when she was hit and then returning again, despite the abuse I suffered at his hands, the chaos it created, the helplessness I felt and how unworthy it made me feel.
If they are not like that I will tell them Ill support them when they are ready, probably offer various ways im willing to help
I have done the latter, i smuggled clothes out of her house for her and her children (i did my laundry there so we could hide her stuff in between my clean stuff and i didnt have a washer myself) had a go-bag ready to go at my place and brought the go-bag to a secondary location the day she went
Spend a lot of time at her place while he was drinking with my neighbours, waited till he got home before I left, acting as a buffer (he would fall asleep cuz he was drunk)
He never knew I helped her, but still made my life hell for 2,5 years simply because I was her friend, incl death threats, once she left
Due to my own childhood experience and what I experienced helping that friend (who got away and although she went through mental hell for a few years, has now been happy for 20 odd years in a loving relationship and her girls grew up happy and safe) I will and must protect my own sanity first and I cant allow that kind of drama/chaos into my life unless she is serious about going
I had to step away from a dear friendship I had in college. We were best friends, but her self esteem caused her to become mean, rude, distant, and cold. It was clear she had no interest in hearing anyone out and convinced herself that we all hated her boyfriend (we did.)
She saw our desire to want to hang out with her only and not include her boyfriend as us not supporting her relationship. Really, we just wanted to get the gang together for a night in or night out.
He spoke horribly about her. He was a loud drunk. He said racist things about Asian people around us (she and I are both Asian).
She was fully wrapped up in him. He was the first guy to “care” for her, which to her, meant he isolated her from all of the few friends she had left and threw a fit anytime he wasn’t included in girls nights and texted her incessantly keeping tabs on her.
After college I moved out of state and he convinced her to move 30 minutes out of the city.
I realized that she was fully closed off to anything remotely critical of him, and with me moving, I couldn’t keep in touch with her. She also said horrible things about me behind my back, and I’m still not sure if it was him talking or her.
I’ve always said I don’t think we would be able to be friends again unless they broke up, but it sounds like he’s set her up to feel like she’ll never get anybody better than him. Last I heard he bought a house an hour away from where she’s doing residency and refused to put her name anywhere on it, after they’ve been dating for 8 years.
She recently asked for financial help on Facebook for her cat’s medical bills. I sent $100 as an olive branch and never got any thank you or acknowledgement whatsoever, so I guess she’s still in deep. It’s a huge bummer. I keep in touch with our mutual friends a fair amount and everyone has drifted from her.
One of the nicest and smartest girls I knew. It’s a shame that her self esteem and self worth got her where she is now.
As others have said just be there for them. Her husband knew we were friends and came to my work to “introduce” himself to me to make sure I knew she had a husband,(I am gay). She was so embarrassed and started talking to me about what was going on. 18 months later I moved to another location for the same company but we stayed in touch and saw each other when life allowed it. Finally when I moved to another company in Virginia Beach she used it as a reason to take a vacation. He thought it was for 2 weeks. She stayed for 7 years as my roomie during my relationship and after it ended. She eventually went back but in her terms as a grandmother taking care of the kids and nothing to do with him. It seems to have worked. She had worked on herself while with us/me and was in a better place to go back and be a part of her 25+ year old daughters and their kids.
I was in your friend’s situation. It’s really hard to leave even if you have the opportunity. Depending on the circumstances, she may have been in a cycle of devaluation and then love bombing. So when it’s great when it’s great but when it’s not it’s terrible.
It took me a while but eventually I became disenchanted with him and the last time he tried to control me by blocking me, I walked away.
If you can, make a point to invite your friend to do more things together. Also, don’t outright tell her to leave him, this can push her closer to him because after every fight, she’ll be love-bombed and told that he’s sorry, and he’s gonna change, and he loves her more than anyone else.
Something my therapist said to me that finally made me understand, was “If your friend’s boyfriend did what your boyfriend did, what advice would you give her?” The answer was I’d tell her to kick him to the curb immediately.
I haven’t been in the position of helping a friend in a terrible relationship since hearing that important leading question, but next time I am, I would say “What if I told you (my boyfriend’s name) had done (her boyfriend’s shitty behavior) to me? What would you think I should do?” And I would make sure she knows I am there for her if she needs support, a place to stay, rides, etc.