What helped you rebuild yourself after losing the illusions you relied on?
July 21, 2025
What helped you rebuild yourself after losing the illusions you relied on?
3 comments
My husband
The decision to not give a fuck. I do what makes sense to me nowadays and it’s great.
After me and my ex fiance broke up I realized the relationship hadn’t been healthy. Slowly, without me even noticing, he had stripped everything that made me who I was as I tried to make him happy. When we broke up, I had no idea who I was. I decided to throw caution to the wind. Started going to bars and clubs, doing reckless things, sleeping around. Not realizing that I was still trying to be who he wanted me to be (fun, spontaneous, and down for poly).
I was at a bar I was a regular at when another regular sat at my table. I figured he was looking for a hookup or something, so I started playfully flirting when he pointed out that he saw me there often and that today I looked sad. He asked if I wanted to talk. After telling him about my lot in life, and trying and failing to stirr up some interest in him (because he wasnt “Opposed to one nighters, but not with someone who looks like they needed a friend more”).
He said I should start small with finding myself. He started asking questions. What’s my favorite color? Animal? Hobby from before my ex? And he did something my ex hadn’t done in years. He asked follow-up questions. He let me rant about creature design in horror movies for hours and plots of books and my dog. We had to leave the bar when it closed and sat on the beach so I could keep talking. He told me “It sounds like you do still have a personality in there, contrary to what you said. So make those small things who you are for now, and expand on them when you discover more. It’s okay if your entire personality is purple for awhile you know? At least it’s a start”
I started saying yes to experiences after that, trying new things, going on insane side quests. My frenzy went from mindless partying and sleeping around out of spite to a less reckless phase of discovery. I didn’t stop the other things, but I started really considering why I was doing them, what I got out of them, and eventually those things slowed down as I was ready to let them go. Me and him never really met up again. Just silent nods when he’d see me at the bar, much less frequently than I used to go. I don’t know if he realized he changed my entire mentality by choosing not to take advantage of me on a vulnerable night and just letting me talk.
3 comments
My husband
The decision to not give a fuck. I do what makes sense to me nowadays and it’s great.
After me and my ex fiance broke up I realized the relationship hadn’t been healthy. Slowly, without me even noticing, he had stripped everything that made me who I was as I tried to make him happy. When we broke up, I had no idea who I was. I decided to throw caution to the wind. Started going to bars and clubs, doing reckless things, sleeping around. Not realizing that I was still trying to be who he wanted me to be (fun, spontaneous, and down for poly).
I was at a bar I was a regular at when another regular sat at my table. I figured he was looking for a hookup or something, so I started playfully flirting when he pointed out that he saw me there often and that today I looked sad. He asked if I wanted to talk. After telling him about my lot in life, and trying and failing to stirr up some interest in him (because he wasnt “Opposed to one nighters, but not with someone who looks like they needed a friend more”).
He said I should start small with finding myself. He started asking questions. What’s my favorite color? Animal? Hobby from before my ex? And he did something my ex hadn’t done in years. He asked follow-up questions. He let me rant about creature design in horror movies for hours and plots of books and my dog. We had to leave the bar when it closed and sat on the beach so I could keep talking. He told me “It sounds like you do still have a personality in there, contrary to what you said. So make those small things who you are for now, and expand on them when you discover more. It’s okay if your entire personality is purple for awhile you know? At least it’s a start”
I started saying yes to experiences after that, trying new things, going on insane side quests. My frenzy went from mindless partying and sleeping around out of spite to a less reckless phase of discovery. I didn’t stop the other things, but I started really considering why I was doing them, what I got out of them, and eventually those things slowed down as I was ready to let them go. Me and him never really met up again. Just silent nods when he’d see me at the bar, much less frequently than I used to go. I don’t know if he realized he changed my entire mentality by choosing not to take advantage of me on a vulnerable night and just letting me talk.