What are examples of unhealthy communication patterns between you and your partner that ultimately led to – or could – justify a breakup?
June 21, 2025
What are examples of unhealthy communication patterns between you and your partner that ultimately led to – or could – justify a breakup?
18 comments
When he is trying his best to make me talk and communicate my feelings or worries but I just keep quiet coz I don’t like drama and used to keeping things inside. Instead of breaking up because of exhaustion, which I would understand, he helped me little by little open up to him. He made me feel that he’s always there whenever I’m ready.
When i was younger my partner (we never talked ab dating but we only were seeing eachother) and i would both repress our true thoughts, or when someone else hurt someone, etc, which led to growing resentment towards eachother and many thought to be “lies” when it was rly just a miscommunication. We had similiar friends we hung out w so there was a lot more going into it but this was the big stuf.
We should’ve both had open communication with one another… but we were both prideful – both our Achilles heels. We both hated asking for help, anything, rly, that could show any weakness in a sense… we get along much better anyways as friends. but the person i was years ago is gone – and i hold space for her. It took a lot to become this gentle.
Unhealthy communication like constant criticism, stonewalling, and contempt slowly destroys trust and emotional safety. Avoiding issues, invalidating feelings, or gaslighting shows a lack of respect and care. Whenever I tried to express how I felt, he’d either ignore me or say I was “too sensitive.” Our arguments always turned into blame games, and he never admitted when he was wrong. After months of feeling unheard and disrespected, I knew the relationship wasn’t healthy anymore.
When he’s made plans with his adult children that have affected my life, and not discussed with me first-a month long vacation with them in December. I would have said yes, with no objection, but instead was blindsided. He’s a widow with adult needy children and he had never been in this position before. He handled it poorly. We’ve discussed it and worked through it. At the time, it was almost a relationship ender.
My ex would always shut down completely during any disagreement and he would give the silent treatment for days, without caring at all for my feelings. It made me feel like i was talking to a brick wall and over time i started to loose any connection with him. That’s when i realized i deserve someone who could try to talk things out with me at least, even if we didn’t meet halfway. He’s behavior was always frustrating and made it impossible to grow together.
Oooh big thing I’m going through rn. Him not talking at all!🤭 I think it could justify me breaking up with him a third time But idk you guys tell me lol! Anyways he hasn’t said anything since the day after Father’s Day. Complete ghosted! Mind you he hasn’t hella a lot of restrictions on his phone and his laptop. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but my friends are telling me that he doesn’t love me because if he did he would’ve at least tried to reach out. His health app hasn’t been updated since the sixteenth and last I checked he was upset cuz of his family. Likely because his mom found out we are back together. I know he didn’t directly tell her so she likely found out through chats. Anyways on Friday I sent a letter to his house as a last ditch effort and also to check on his wellbeing at this point because he just went radio silent. By the way this usually isn’t normal for him. Anyways I’m waiting either until tomorrow afternoon or Sunday for a reply from him and if not I’m gonna move on by then. This is because I will not deal with a man who can’t make time to tell me what is going on. I think I should know about this stuff yk? And also if he didn’t want me it would be better if he said it to my face. Idk part of me is going around in circles on this. Thinking he might’ve got back with me just to take advantage of me. But that’s another story.
When one person is upset and reverts to name calling or saying nasty things. Game over for me.
We both are reactive in a conflict. He a bit lesser than me. After yelling and not reaching common ground, he shuts down and refuses to communicate irrespective of what I may say further.
For me, I need clarity and I need it immediately. The issue here is I’m the logical one in the relationship so everything is justified from that standpoint. He’s more emotional so according to him feelings are important and we can’t hence explain away things without considering this, which I often feel is illogical and baseless. Hence the conflict has gone to a point of silence/breaking up, multiple times.
My ex would shut down any time I wanted to talk through a conflict or any time I expressed a strong emotion (i.e. happy or sad tears, opening up about a trauma, speaking up and setting a boundary if I didn’t like how he treated me in a recent situation). He had a strong conviction that the past is the past and if I were ever slightly triggered by something (I have endured parental abuse and relationship infidelity that I’ve very carefully worked through and learned how to communicate about) he would see it as a shortcoming rather than something to talk about or support me through from a distance. And I say that as someone who is very independent and self sufficient! It reached a point where I had cried quietly over a sad scene in a movie and as we left the theater he grabbed my hand and pulled me next to him and essentially accused me of sulking behind him. I immediately went cold and when we got back to my apartment I confronted him and told him he had no right to react in that way. His reply was simply that he didn’t like to see me cry, and I remember I asked him point blank if the problem is actually that my emotions make him uncomfortable. He didn’t have much of anything to say to that and things began to unravel from there; about a month later he ended things and cited “different emotional intelligence levels.” To his credit he owned that he was not equipped for the relationship and was respectful when he ended it, but I was devastated because all I tried to be was sensitive and kind and open and he never let me feel safe to do so. I really loved him and hope to this day that he’s grown and is doing ok. That was two years ago and after a long time single I started a new relationship a few months ago with a man who holds me so gently, firmly believes that we are all products of our relationships & experiences, hears me out whenever I need to talk something through, and encourages me to open up fully but on a timeline that I’m comfortable with. He made me realize that healthy communication and a loving relationship can’t develop until two people create a safe space for each other to work through anything.
The boyfriend I had before I met my husband would just yell at me when I disagreed with him or when I brought up something that bothered me. The yelling frightened me and I’d shut down. He would apologize after and tell me he cared, yada yada, but it was never sincere.
Thinking of exes here rather than current relationship, but dynamics that don’t work well are where one person sees teasing each other as being flirty and intimate, and the other person is particularly sensitive to feeling slighted or disrespected.
Or where one person is a bit of a people pleaser and finds it hard to voice their opinion, and the other person is a bit of a steamroller and assumes things will go their way unless told otherwise.
Or where one person immediately knows how they feel, sometimes to the point of overreaction, and the other needs time to process, sometimes to the point of bringing up things from the past.
Or where one person sees patterns of interrelated behaviours and examples, whereas the other person sees each event as being individual.
[removed]
Well, she refused to communicate about basically everything because she “couldn’t find the right words” and now we’re no longer together so 🙃 She also pretended to want kids for years before having a breakdown and admitting she didn’t want them. Which was actually fine with me anyway? So not sure why she lied for so long. And after that breakdown things just kept going downhill and I never felt secure or heard at all because there was just no fkn communication and my trust was broken. How could we work through anything without talking about issues? We couldn’t, and I see that now, and I am so so sad because I have loved her with my whole heart this entire time and now I’m left in the dirt when we could’ve had a really good thing. It’s fucked and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to trust anybody else to make life decisions with in the future after being so blatantly fucked over in this break up. A text message? After 4 fucking years, a home and life together, future plans? I might as well have been a speck of dirt, that’s how degrading it has felt.
Meta arguing—when you start arguing about the argument.
When there’s no active listening that results in an adjustment.
His – defensiveness
My – intolerance for it
Ive just come out of a 10 year relationship mainly because of lack of empathy which has led to many issues including communication. The main issue with communication is that he is dismissive of my feelings and opinions, and is defensive as well. If I have an opinion that is different to his, he will aggressively question it and I get stressed with having to justify myself constantly in this way. If he came at it with curiosity rather than to get information from me so he can counter it, it would be different. On the defensive side of things, he seems to see anything from me as an attack and will defend accordingly – this man once defended himself against me asking what time he’d be back with our child so things had really got out of hand. I do think we’d both got into a bad dynamic with both of us triggering defensiveness in each other.
Thankfully, it didn’t lead to a breakup. But almost did.
I’d only have the courage to bring up the problems while intoxicated and emotional.
When he brought up breaking up, I was so blindsided. He didn’t tell me how much it affected him. But I nearly had a heart attack thinking about losing him.
18 comments
When he is trying his best to make me talk and communicate my feelings or worries but I just keep quiet coz I don’t like drama and used to keeping things inside. Instead of breaking up because of exhaustion, which I would understand, he helped me little by little open up to him. He made me feel that he’s always there whenever I’m ready.
When i was younger my partner (we never talked ab dating but we only were seeing eachother) and i would both repress our true thoughts, or when someone else hurt someone, etc, which led to growing resentment towards eachother and many thought to be “lies” when it was rly just a miscommunication. We had similiar friends we hung out w so there was a lot more going into it but this was the big stuf.
We should’ve both had open communication with one another… but we were both prideful – both our Achilles heels. We both hated asking for help, anything, rly, that could show any weakness in a sense… we get along much better anyways as friends. but the person i was years ago is gone – and i hold space for her. It took a lot to become this gentle.
Unhealthy communication like constant criticism, stonewalling, and contempt slowly destroys trust and emotional safety. Avoiding issues, invalidating feelings, or gaslighting shows a lack of respect and care. Whenever I tried to express how I felt, he’d either ignore me or say I was “too sensitive.” Our arguments always turned into blame games, and he never admitted when he was wrong. After months of feeling unheard and disrespected, I knew the relationship wasn’t healthy anymore.
When he’s made plans with his adult children that have affected my life, and not discussed with me first-a month long vacation with them in December. I would have said yes, with no objection, but instead was blindsided. He’s a widow with adult needy children and he had never been in this position before. He handled it poorly. We’ve discussed it and worked through it. At the time, it was almost a relationship ender.
My ex would always shut down completely during any disagreement and he would give the silent treatment for days, without caring at all for my feelings. It made me feel like i was talking to a brick wall and over time i started to loose any connection with him. That’s when i realized i deserve someone who could try to talk things out with me at least, even if we didn’t meet halfway. He’s behavior was always frustrating and made it impossible to grow together.
Oooh big thing I’m going through rn. Him not talking at all!🤭 I think it could justify me breaking up with him a third time But idk you guys tell me lol! Anyways he hasn’t said anything since the day after Father’s Day. Complete ghosted! Mind you he hasn’t hella a lot of restrictions on his phone and his laptop. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but my friends are telling me that he doesn’t love me because if he did he would’ve at least tried to reach out. His health app hasn’t been updated since the sixteenth and last I checked he was upset cuz of his family. Likely because his mom found out we are back together. I know he didn’t directly tell her so she likely found out through chats. Anyways on Friday I sent a letter to his house as a last ditch effort and also to check on his wellbeing at this point because he just went radio silent. By the way this usually isn’t normal for him. Anyways I’m waiting either until tomorrow afternoon or Sunday for a reply from him and if not I’m gonna move on by then. This is because I will not deal with a man who can’t make time to tell me what is going on. I think I should know about this stuff yk? And also if he didn’t want me it would be better if he said it to my face. Idk part of me is going around in circles on this. Thinking he might’ve got back with me just to take advantage of me. But that’s another story.
When one person is upset and reverts to name calling or saying nasty things. Game over for me.
We both are reactive in a conflict. He a bit lesser than me. After yelling and not reaching common ground, he shuts down and refuses to communicate irrespective of what I may say further.
For me, I need clarity and I need it immediately. The issue here is I’m the logical one in the relationship so everything is justified from that standpoint. He’s more emotional so according to him feelings are important and we can’t hence explain away things without considering this, which I often feel is illogical and baseless. Hence the conflict has gone to a point of silence/breaking up, multiple times.
My ex would shut down any time I wanted to talk through a conflict or any time I expressed a strong emotion (i.e. happy or sad tears, opening up about a trauma, speaking up and setting a boundary if I didn’t like how he treated me in a recent situation). He had a strong conviction that the past is the past and if I were ever slightly triggered by something (I have endured parental abuse and relationship infidelity that I’ve very carefully worked through and learned how to communicate about) he would see it as a shortcoming rather than something to talk about or support me through from a distance. And I say that as someone who is very independent and self sufficient! It reached a point where I had cried quietly over a sad scene in a movie and as we left the theater he grabbed my hand and pulled me next to him and essentially accused me of sulking behind him. I immediately went cold and when we got back to my apartment I confronted him and told him he had no right to react in that way. His reply was simply that he didn’t like to see me cry, and I remember I asked him point blank if the problem is actually that my emotions make him uncomfortable. He didn’t have much of anything to say to that and things began to unravel from there; about a month later he ended things and cited “different emotional intelligence levels.” To his credit he owned that he was not equipped for the relationship and was respectful when he ended it, but I was devastated because all I tried to be was sensitive and kind and open and he never let me feel safe to do so. I really loved him and hope to this day that he’s grown and is doing ok. That was two years ago and after a long time single I started a new relationship a few months ago with a man who holds me so gently, firmly believes that we are all products of our relationships & experiences, hears me out whenever I need to talk something through, and encourages me to open up fully but on a timeline that I’m comfortable with. He made me realize that healthy communication and a loving relationship can’t develop until two people create a safe space for each other to work through anything.
The boyfriend I had before I met my husband would just yell at me when I disagreed with him or when I brought up something that bothered me. The yelling frightened me and I’d shut down. He would apologize after and tell me he cared, yada yada, but it was never sincere.
Thinking of exes here rather than current relationship, but dynamics that don’t work well are where one person sees teasing each other as being flirty and intimate, and the other person is particularly sensitive to feeling slighted or disrespected.
Or where one person is a bit of a people pleaser and finds it hard to voice their opinion, and the other person is a bit of a steamroller and assumes things will go their way unless told otherwise.
Or where one person immediately knows how they feel, sometimes to the point of overreaction, and the other needs time to process, sometimes to the point of bringing up things from the past.
Or where one person sees patterns of interrelated behaviours and examples, whereas the other person sees each event as being individual.
[removed]
Well, she refused to communicate about basically everything because she “couldn’t find the right words” and now we’re no longer together so 🙃 She also pretended to want kids for years before having a breakdown and admitting she didn’t want them. Which was actually fine with me anyway? So not sure why she lied for so long. And after that breakdown things just kept going downhill and I never felt secure or heard at all because there was just no fkn communication and my trust was broken. How could we work through anything without talking about issues? We couldn’t, and I see that now, and I am so so sad because I have loved her with my whole heart this entire time and now I’m left in the dirt when we could’ve had a really good thing. It’s fucked and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to trust anybody else to make life decisions with in the future after being so blatantly fucked over in this break up. A text message? After 4 fucking years, a home and life together, future plans? I might as well have been a speck of dirt, that’s how degrading it has felt.
Meta arguing—when you start arguing about the argument.
When there’s no active listening that results in an adjustment.
His – defensiveness
My – intolerance for it
Ive just come out of a 10 year relationship mainly because of lack of empathy which has led to many issues including communication. The main issue with communication is that he is dismissive of my feelings and opinions, and is defensive as well. If I have an opinion that is different to his, he will aggressively question it and I get stressed with having to justify myself constantly in this way. If he came at it with curiosity rather than to get information from me so he can counter it, it would be different. On the defensive side of things, he seems to see anything from me as an attack and will defend accordingly – this man once defended himself against me asking what time he’d be back with our child so things had really got out of hand. I do think we’d both got into a bad dynamic with both of us triggering defensiveness in each other.
Thankfully, it didn’t lead to a breakup. But almost did.
I’d only have the courage to bring up the problems while intoxicated and emotional.
When he brought up breaking up, I was so blindsided. He didn’t tell me how much it affected him. But I nearly had a heart attack thinking about losing him.