And PLEASE first state WHERE you are. E.g:
"Italy – It's considered blah, blah, blah…"
Cold approach = Guy sees a girl in public he would like to get to know, so he approaches her.
this is of course assuming the guy approaches in zero creepy way and zero ill intent. Just a guy who genuinely sees something attractive in a woman (looks, vibe, mannerisms, action…etc) and wants to genuinely get to know her with genuinely harmless intentions.
30 comments
Italy- if you mean interacting with random strangers on the streets with the intent to become close, not normal at all. i’ve never heard of this before and if it happened to me or anyone i know i would be very weirded and creeped out
Practically non existent. Pretty much the only dudes who do that are… not the nicest or most courteous fellows (in my experience pretty much only refugees/ people with a migration background).
If you had any sense, you would only really do this if both sets of eyes had already done *a lot* of the heavy lifting first in order to convey reciprocity
Czechia – It’s not normal, or is considered weird behavior in general. There is no chance you are not acting creepy doing this, because the whole situation IS creepy. If someone approached me on the street, I would expect some kind prank or a streetgame weirdo. Also it is considered rude to even talk to strangers without a valid reason (like asking for directions).
OP where are you from? This is absolutely not normal anywhere in Europe and I suspect most of the world.
Poland, absolutely not. Might be passable in locations where people go to meet people like clubs bars parties, but it public? Out of nowhere? No, big no
Not normal at all. The only ones that attempt it are foreign *lads* and it is usually met with disgust and immediate shutdown (unless they look rich and the particular girl is one of those that doesn’t mind exploiting them)
I’m not sure I understand the question. In order to do this, wouldn’t you have to approach a stranger in public and talk to them?
It’s basically only ever the creeps that cold approach you. I think I can probably count the positive interactions with random strange men that approached me on one hand. Countless negative ones.
Can you clarify if this means randomly on the street, or if you would also include a situation where they may already have a small interaction in public such as at a store (whether both customers or whether one is an employee) ?
In Sweden it’s pretty much automatically seen as creepy behavior. If a guy is approaching a woman and they’ve had no prior interaction then it’s obvious he’s only acting upon her physical appearance, and has no idea if the approach is welcome, so that’s inconsiderate at best. For it to be acceptable in a public place, like on a train, there’d have to first be repeated eye contact, smiling and so on to non-verbally suggest that he’s welcome to come introduce himself, and those signals are easy to misread.
It’s very much a “right time and place” country here for socialization in general, including romantic or sexual encounters. Approaching a woman in a bar, that’s okay. Approaching her in a grocery store, absolutely no. Just talking to a stranger on a bus, not okay. At a hockey game, fine. I think the unwritten social rules about where and when it’s okay to start a conversation are some of the most important ones to understand to fit into society here.
Romania – I’m pretty shocked by these comments, didn’t expect many of these people to be so offended by a simple social interaction. Here it’s pretty acceptable to approach women or people in general if you’re not a creep. If u see a girl that u think is pretty and go tell her “sorry if i’m disturbing, you seem nice, wanna grab a coffee some time?” no one bats an eye
Denmark – Not normal at all. I have been offered drinks or had guys ask for my number in bars sometimes, but generally speaking, cold approaching is not at all common.
Finland: someone approaching you on the street and in most cafe/restaurant situations is fully assumed to be 1) trying to sell you something, 2) trying to get your money by telling a sad story about having to get a train ticket to another town to meet your family, 3) converting you to their religion. And even when the person doing it doesn’t think they’re being creepy, they are often perceived as creepy.
The Netherlands: this would only be normal at a party, bar, etc. Where people are expecting to meet other people in the first place.
I’m not European, but I’ve been in Europe for some time. This happened to me quite a lot in Italy (e.g., I’d be working in a cafe and someone would approach me), less so in Spain (where I’d sometimes be approached on the street, which I find more, um, disorienting because I’m just trying to get somewhere!). Happened to me maybe once in the UK and Romania. Never experienced it in Hungary.
UK – not very and becoming less common since #metoo. My personal opinion is that it’s fine, like other commenters have said you can often work out if someone might be open to the idea with some casual eye contact, and it’s also more normal in bars or a house party where people are intending to socialise. If you just stop someone on the street who is walking briskly and looking busy then yes it’s a bit odd. Happened to me maybe 2 or 3 times and I wasn’t creeped out or alarmed but I would just not be receptive to that.
Just my opinion but I feel like the focus on consent and appropriate behaviour (which is good) has gone a bit too far, from “if she says no, she means it, don’t get all weird and start asking about other days/times, does she have a boyfriend, well why not then, don’t you think I’m good looking” etc etc almost to “don’t ask women out, let them come to you”.
I know you didn’t specify men approaching women, but I’m sure women approaching men doesn’t get the scrutiny.
“*this is of course assuming the guy approaches in zero creepy way and zero ill intent.* ”
Can you explain what this mythical “zero creepy way” is?
Germany. While not completely unheard of (it has happened to me), it’s very uncommon – and would feel overstepping/ inappropriate, so just don’t.
And also unnecessary since almost all activities are co-ed, you can basically meet people of your preferred sex among classmates, mutual friends, hobby friends, co-workers, neighbours, etc. So you don’t need to cold approach. And of course there is online dating.
>*this is of course assuming the guy approaches in zero creepy way and zero ill intent.* […] *get to know her with genuinely harmless intentions.*
And how is the woman supposed to know there’s no ill intent behind it if she doesn’t know the guy ?
This question partly answers your question.
Define “in public”.
On the streets or something similar? It always has been very rare and considered really weird and strange. A stranger approaching you on the street would make everyone think they are either a beggar, a religious fanatic trying to convert you, some other kind of scam, or generally insane. It’s probably the easiest way to creep someone out.
At a pub or café? Much better success rates if you find the right opportunity, that is, you already made eyecontact or have the necessary social intelligence and social skills to know how to behave respectfully without pushing things too far. Let’s say it’s a café, it’s best if you are both returning customers and already saw each other a few times. It’s also advised to talk about something neutral first, rather than start with “I think you are pretty”. Again, it all depends on the context. If you have good social skills and generally look trustworthy, then you’ll have an easier time. I did this a few times with varying success. It was always a spur of the moment thing after I’ve seen or even talked to the girl in question a few times, so I guess I came off authentic and genuine rather than calculating.
At an event or hobby or something? Much better. Basically the more of an “excuse” you have to start a conversation with a stranger over something relevant and inoccuous, the better. But I think this is true for almost any country in the West at least. You need some sort of context or reason to approach someone. Talking to someone on the basis of nothing other than you thinking they are hot is considered low class, rude and weird. It’s okay to talk to someone at an event assuming you want to talk about the event and you have an intellectual connection / something relevant to say. This is by far the easiest, I got a couple of girlfriends this way. But again, all of those conversations started out as really inoccuous, and I only asked them out after we met at said place like 3-5 times.
The best place to cold approach someone would be at a club, but you wouldn’t be talking much at first, your dance skills and looks determine your initial success there, which you can still fumble when you get to talk a little.
Sweden
Strangers approaching each other in public to get to know each other is pretty much non existent phenomena, **regardless of the gender**. (as if gender matters lol)
In social events where you can allow yourself (and you sort of are expected to) to meet new people sure, that can happen. But like, casually walking on the street and approaching a stranger? Nuuh.
In Lithuania, Austria, Romania, Canada: I don’t know if it’s normal in general, but I felt normal when it happened to me.
Ireland. I think it’s really dependent on where you do it. In clubs/bars etc it happens a good bit. On the street, it’s almost universally creepy unless you do it perfectly which is super difficult. I’ve had 2 dudes do it on the street where they didn’t come off as creepy, and imo you need to find the right “in”, for example 1 started talking to me about a band whose convert poster I was looking at, and another started chatting to me about the weather at the bus stop. Takes a certain level of charm (not necessarily looks but ofc that helps) to do this without looking like a weirdo.
As others have said, it’s very normal at parties, bars, clubs etc and I personally don’t mind it at all at these kind of settings. I approach people myself even. But randomly on the street/bus/metro? Absolutely not, it would be seen as weird.
To just strike up a little chit chat without trying to get a phone number is alright. But ‘picking up girls’ is considered extremely cringy and annoying.
Don’t do it in NL
i’d say pretty common – happens all the time i feel like. Usually its just a kind of asking for a number or instagram
The title of your post is not gendered but the body is. Are you only interested in the “man hitting on woman” dynamic?
The answers here point to a sad, sad world. Or at least a sad, sad Europe.
My experience in the developing world as a traveler is that it’s quite common to talk to strangers.
I forget the name of the book but I read a book about a man walking from London to the Black Sea along the Danube, I think shortly before the war in the early 30s maybe. Theres probably only one book like that. And he had almost zero money in his pocket. And he was introduced from one family to the next house to people down the line and hardly ever had to pay for any kind of accommodation. I marvel at that kind of world. And shudder at what we have become.
What’s life for if not to talk to new people?
Not super common, but I have had it happen to me a few times. As long as the person isn’t pushy I would assume most people would find it flattering.
Edit: this is about randomly in the street, in a bar or club it’s quite common.