I got into my last relationship by almost forcefully pursuing someone. I was the best of me when they were around. And I invested all my energy into bringing comfort and hapinness to this person.
She was always first priority. I wanted to prove that to her.
We ended up dating. But it was shit because whenever we did something for me it was like a chore for her.
I though that by giving something I would eventually receive atleast like a third of that back. Maybe something better than a Christmas gift in February. The best gesture was a soup when I was sick and I had to drive for it 20 miles while sick. And that that time I was so happy for that soup. That is how deprived of care I was. Other time I was sick we didn't see each other for two weeks because she would have to get her ass up and actually visit me instead of me traveling to see her.
She had like 1/10 of the interest in me as I had in her. I realised it can't work like that. Putting aside other issues which were just symptoms of her not giving shit about me.
When that ended I swore to myself that I won't be giving out so much while receiving next to nothing.
And now I realised that this is probably the only reason I was ever able to get a relationship. Noone is interested in me. They are interested in how I make them feel or what I do for them.
But that is not the same thing as loving someone or care about someone.
I stopped asking questions when I receive none back. "If you don't have time this week, you can hit me up next week." But I am not going to be asking you several times for a meetup. If you are not interested than we don't meet. Even though I would like to. I feel like this would go to shit eventually, so lets just let it die now rather than in a year from now on when I have a low point and can't hadle giving everything and getting nothing.
How is it going? It is shit. This approach did not get me past first date several times. Even though I didn't have those issues before.
Few weeks ago I met this nice girl. We went out once. For a second meetup she said she doesn't have time that week. I said "Alright, anyway I will be excited to see you again" she said the same and that she is looking forward for a meetup when she will have time.
Two weeks went by and nothing. I am not going to write to her because she refused my proposition and I think that if she would be atleast a bit meaningfully interested in me she would get in touch.
With this girl I kind of have a feeling that if I tried harder I would be succesful. If I asked more about how she feels. How her day was after our outdoor activity together. (Something which I am genuienly interested in.) But honestly. I feel that if there is only one sided interest it will go to shit.
So what? Did I learn the wrong lesson? Am I destined to be alone because maybe I would love for someone else to actually care about me if I care about them?
Or did I get burned by someone and now my expectations are too safe.
I still feel like I learned the right lesson. Sadly the outcome is that chances of me to meet someone who would ever care about me are almost non existent.