I \[18M\] have been with my girlfriend \[18F\] for almost a year now. We had known each other for around half a year before actually starting to date. The first few months were great, but then she told me about her past with mental problems and self-harm. She had started at a very young age, mainly because of some problems at school and at home. I talked to her, and she told me that she was better now. But recently, these problems started to arise again.
It all started around a month ago. For some context, my high school has this big event every two semesters where we organize a musical. I participated playing the guitar, and because of this, I was really busy with rehearsals and preparing for the big show. But even with this, I still tried to make time for my girlfriend, talking to her every day and hanging out almost every week. I had told her about the show and asked her to come see it, and she was really excited at first.
Two weeks before the show, my girlfriend decided to go out with her friends. One of said friends is really into the gym, and she decided to go before the hangout. Because of this, my girlfriend’s parents decided to leave her in the mall where the gym was located a bit early; after that, she was to go with her friend to meet up with the others and hang out. Since she was there so early, the friend wasn’t going to be done from the gym in another half hour. So she called me, asking if I could go and accompany her while she waited because she didn’t want to be alone. I told her that I couldn’t, since I had a lot of homework to do and my parents weren’t going to let me leave the house. She was bummed, but there wasn’t anything we could do about it.
Later that day, she told me how she found an old friend of hers in the mall; we’ll call him Josh. My girlfriend and Josh were pretty close friends in school a couple of years ago. But thanks to some problems in the friend group, they stopped talking. She told me that in those times, she was in a really bad mental space, so their friendship being cut really affected her. Back to the present, she told me how she stumbled on to him and how they started to talk again. At first, I was really happy for her since I wanted her to be happy.
Fast-forward a week; I had left rehearsal a bit late and was tired. After arriving home, I called my girlfriend, wanting to talk to her. She didn’t respond and told me that she was talking to someone else and to give her a minute. I told her that there was no problem and to take her time, so I stayed up until 12 waiting for her. She called me at 1 but I was already asleep, so I didn’t answer. The next day, she told me she was sorry and that she had asked Josh to help her pick a song for a cover she wanted to make. I was kind of mad but didn’t say anything since I didn’t think it was that big of a fuzz. Later that day, I asked if she was talking to Josh again; she told me now and then proceeded to apologize for not calling and making it seem as if she was obsessed with Josh. She said that she was just excited for her rekindled friendship and how she just missed having him as a friend, and that if I was uncomfortable to tell her,. I told her that it was okay, and we talked it out.
A week later, it was the day of the big show. I asked my girlfriend if she was coming, but then she told me that she couldn’t go since it was her parents anniversary and they weren’t able to go. She had asked multiple of her friends to go with her, but no one could, and she didn’t want to go alone since she is scared of being alone in public places. I understood and told her that there was no problem and that she could come tomorrow (we presented the musical all weekend). But then she told me that she couldn’t go tomorrow and that she was going to go out with Josh. I got upset at this and told her that I really wanted her to come see the show since it was a whole semesters worth of work for me and I wanted her support. I couldn’t believe she would prefer to go out with a guy she started to talk to again two weeks ago. I sent her a whole paragraph telling her how I felt, and she just responded, saying she bought a ticket. I felt like she just did it to shut me up, but I didn’t press on it further.
After the show, we got into my car and she told me how she didn’t find it fair that I could go out with my female friends and she couldn’t. I only did such a thing one time, but in comparison to her, I had told her a week prior, and it was on a normal day with no big event. I didn’t tell her this, though, since I didn’t want to sound petty. I ended up apologizing for making her come alone and she too apologized and said that she felt really bad and was already planning to go alone even before I talked to her. After that, we left and had dinner, but I still had stuff in my chest that I didn’t say because I didn’t want to fight anymore.
The next day, my girlfriend went to hang out with Josh while I played for the last function. I was constantly giving her updates about how the show was going, but she responded almost an hour later and just said, “Good luck.” I was a bit mad since I felt as if she was ignoring me with Josh, but I didn’t say anything. After the last show, I didn’t tell her anything to see if she would even check up on me. It was already nighttime and I knew she was already home from hanging out with Josh. I waited and waited, but she didn’t call or text, so at 11 p.m., I texted her, asking what she was doing. She told me that she was on a call with Josh. I couldn’t believe that she was talking to him again, even after hanging out all day with him and ignoring me. I didn’t respond and just waited to see if she would call; she didn’t. I cried myself to sleep, no longer able to contain my emotions.
The next day, she called in the morning, and I didn’t respond. She then told me that she fell asleep with Josh and proceeded to tell me how much she laughed with him and what they did. I just told her that she was crossing the line. She then asked me why I was mad, and I told her how I didn’t like how she hadn’t even checked how I was doing in the last show. Her excuse was that she didn’t want to bother me, I retaliated by asking her if the show lasted all night. She avoided the question and asked me why I said that I was okay when I wasn’t. I told her how I felt and how she was crossing the line each time. After a while of avoiding some of my questions and asking how she could make it up to me, she just lost it and said how she knows she is an A-hole and a bad person, but how I don’t have the right to doubt her. Seeing this, I just told her we’d talk later.
Later that day, she apologized and said how she was sorry for making me feel that way, that she loved me and that she didn’t want to lose me. She offered to cut contact with Josh but I told her not to, since I didn’t want her to stop talking to her friends because of me. Instead, I told her that she just needed to have balance. We talked it out, and this time I told her almost everything I had to say, and I just told her I needed some time for the rest of the day. She understood and told me it was okay. But a couple of hours later, she tells me she started with the self-harm again and how she felt awful for what she did. I felt terrible. I wanted to talk to her, but she just shut me out, saying that she wanted to give me my space and that she didn’t want to talk. She pushed me away, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I was worried sick; I didn’t sleep at all that night.
The next couple of days were terrible; things were dry between us, I tried to talk to her but she didn’t want to, saying that she was alright. But one day I called her and told her we needed to talk. She told me how she just felt really bad about what happened and how she just didn’t want to worry me. If I’m being honest, what she told me felt like it didn’t even scratch the surface of what was going on.
About a week later, she called me, saying how she thinks that she has depression and how she is always tired, just feeling down and not having energy. I felt really bad and blamed myself for all of this. I felt that if I hadn’t said anything in the first place, then nothing would have happened. I asked her if she told this to anyone else, and she said she told Josh. A part of me broke. It felt terrible to have your girlfriend’s first person to talk to about her feelings, especially these ones, be some other guy. But I suppressed that feeling; I needed to be strong for her. She then told me that she was going to talk to Josh. I asked her if they were going to talk about this, but she told me she just wanted to distract herself. I felt even worse. I asked if there was something wrong with me and if she didn’t want to talk to me. She denied it and just told me that she knew that if she talked to me, we would talk about that, and that she just needed to think about something else. I told her that it was fine and said goodnight.
I then called my friend and straight up had a meltdown; I didn’t know what to do. I felt terrible. I thought that I too could distract her; I have done it before. Why not now? It was because of Josh. I told this to my friend, and he comforted me. Around an hour later, I was feeling better. I then asked my friend if she could talk to my girlfriend. I wanted him to tell her that she was wrong for pushing me away; she said that if she opened up, then she would just end up hurting me. But the opposite is happening; every time she pushed me away, I just felt worse. I wanted my friend to tell her that what she is doing is the opposite of what she wants.
The next day, my girlfriend called me and told me how she was now realizing the damage she was doing to me and how she would try to open up more. For the next couple of weeks, things seemed better. My girlfriend told Josh that their friendship is affecting our relationship and that she thinks they should distance themselves a little. But my girlfriend was still keeping me from helping. The only thing she did was tell me when she was feeling bad and when she didn’t want to talk. And there was nothing I could do about it; whenever I tried to talk to her, she would just tell me how she needed to figure things out on her own.
Yesterday, she called me, saying she was feeling really bad. And I couldn’t handle it anymore; I told her that she needed to seek help. I have been trying and will keep on trying, but my girlfriend’s situation is something that I can’t handle alone. I told her that she should tell her parents how she feels in order for them to get her a therapist. She outright refused; she told me that she was scared of going to therapy and that she didn’t want to tell her parents. She told me how they would disown her for doing those things to herself and that they would send her to a psych ward. She told me how she felt that she didn’t deserve help, how other people are going through harder things, and how she is just weak. How she didn’t want to worry anyone and how this is something she should figure out on her own. I kept asking her to promise to seek help, but she spiraled into just saying no over and over. I honestly felt frustrated; I felt terrible; I couldn’t do anything to help her. So I dropped it for now. We hung up a while later.
I have been feeling lonely lately; my girlfriend hasn’t been acting as she did. She doesn’t send me cute tiktok’s anymore. I am always the one to call; I am almost always the one saying, “I love you.”. And the worst of it all is that she is still talking to Josh; every time I message her, she takes a while to respond. And when I ask her about it, she tells me she is talking with Josh. I feel terrible, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I always feel as if she is talking to Josh. I know she isn’t cheating, but I still feel really bad about him.
I don’t know what I should do. I have considered breaking up, but I really don’t want to, I love her and want to help her.
What should I do?
TL;DR : After I confronted my girlfriend about her reconnected friend, she started to fall into depression and wouldn’t accept any help. I don’t know what to do.