Hi Reddit
I’ve (24F) been having issues with my partner (30M) since he openly referred to a black man as “this black n*****”. He didn’t know the man in question, he was just looking out the window and saw the guy, presumably fucking around, and then said that.
I was stunned. For context, I’m half black. I told him off and he immediately apologised and I asked, “is this how you view black people” and he vehemently denied it but why would he even have that on his mind in the first place?
I spoke to my sister who said to forgive it if I feel comfortable to do so and that as my partner’s Italian, this may just be how he is. I’m struggling to forgive it because it plays on my mind, I feel less than human in my relationship and home. I don’t want a partner that views myself or anyone else in such a derogatory way. This happened about a month ago.
Since then I’ve been depressed and distant. When he’s asked why, I told him I don’t feel comfortable in his company. He doesn’t say anything to that and we continue life. This has happened atleast 5 times since the incident.
Yesterday however, he asked why I’m so uncomfortable and I said it’s partly because of what he said. He exploded at me saying he apologised and that he didn’t mean it and it’s bullshit for me to be upset about it. I didn’t have anything to say to that, again, I was stunned into silence.
Today however, we spoke again about it. He said he can’t stand to see me miserable and that me saying I was uncomfortable was like a punch to his heart. I asked if he wants me to lie and hide my emotions, he said no. So I said, “well you don’t like that I’m uncomfortable but you don’t do anything to change that, you don’t even acknowledge the problem in the first place” to which he responded, “what can I do? There’s nothing I can do”.
My problem is that I don’t know if there *is* anything he can do. I’d like for him to not hold such hate in his heart especially for a skin colour, but that shits ingrained in some cultures and people.
I’d want him to educate himself on black culture, racism and prejudice as a whole but that seems like an impossible ask and, more importantly, if he genuinely felt sorry, surely educating himself as to why what he did was a problem would’ve already been underway by now?
I don’t know, I’m at a loss and could really use some advice moving forward.
Tl:dr boyfriend referred to black man as the n word, said sorry but hasn’t shown sorry, can’t help but feel shit, can’t see the resolution to this issue