I 33F met this guy 35M on Tinder 6 weeks ago. For the first time in my life I decided to swipe right on the just-okay-looking guy with fish pictures, and woah! No regrets, He’s cute and has a great smile !! He’s overall great, communication is good, he has good values, he’s Christian, we want the same thing, isn’t pushing for sex, he’s dating to marry too, isnt seeing other women (from what he said). We are planning a little 3 days escapade in May. I already seen some of his little flaws, so I know im not seeing him in pink coloured glass or missing any red flags.
He’s in the army and he’s gone last week on some exercise for the next 2 weeks. He’s been texting me ish once a day and called me this weekend for 15 min, but the nature of the exercise makes it hard to have time to text me. For the next two weeks he’s gone somewhere with very shitty cellphone coverage. And this is where i need help.
In my last relationship (that lasted almost 10 years), my ex cheated on me a few times including at the beginning of our relationship, where he would not reply to me because he was with his ex gf. (He made me believe it was my fault). Also, he would often give me silent treatment, where he would not reply for days because he wanted to teach me a lesson (i was young and stupid, i know its wrong and i deserved better). Its been 4 years from it, I been to therapy since, and was able to understand lots of things from my past.
So back to today, i have this guy who hasn’t replied to me since sunday because he CAN’T. He told me he probably won’t be able to see/reply in the next days. But my reptilian brain is on panic mode : what if he’s cheating ??? Maybe he’s angry ???
I sent him little msg daily last week, saying I think about him, I hope he’s doing ok and such. He thanked me this weekend for these msg, his days are long and hard and it melts his heart to read my msg because they are comforting.
Rationally i know he’s not cheating (it’s a sausage party out there), and he’s probably not angry, i know he barely have time to sleep. He just CAN’T answer the phone (and even if he could check his phone, he’s lost in the middle of nowhere)
But, my cerebral brain and my reptilian brain are clearly fighting here, as I’m used to associate lack of reply = silent treatment/cheating. But he’s not, I KNOW it.
And now I’m just afraid that my anxious thoughts will make me sabotage this relationship. Im back into bad habits of my old relationship where i would anxiously wait by the phone for a text or a call. I’ve been looking all day for a reply, but I know he won’t because he just can’t.
He’s a great guy, I know i deserve a good person and a healthy relationship. I feel so stupid for falling back into my bad habits and getting anxious, because he’s not my ex, hes not responsible for my anxious thoughts. he’s been honest and good with communication. It’s my fears that are overwhelming me, and i know they are not real.
Can you guys give slap me back to reality and give me some common sense? I would really need advices/kindness from internet strangers tonight. How can I change my thoughts here ?
Thank you