I have been dating my boyfriend for about five years. We’ve lived together for about the past year and a half. We met in law school and we’ve been lawyers for about two years now. He deals with criminal cases so he’s seen some wild things.
When we first met, he was kind and sweet and charming. I would describe him as the stereotypical golden retriever boy. Very sensitive and compassionate. Over the past year or so, he’s been very strange. He is very quick to anger now, if I bring up a concern he will immediately flip the situation onto me or dismiss me until I back down. If I don’t, he becomes increasingly aggressive. Sometimes he gets so frustrated he will punch walls. This was weird to me because for the first three and half years of our relationship, he was never like this.
The legal field is known for drinking so he usually is obligated to go to happy hours and other drinking events with his firm. The past year or so, he’s come home so drunk he can’t function on his own. He has forgotten where the bathroom is and peed in our living room. He’s also hit me (seemingly jokingly) and then won’t remember the next morning. He did promise to not get that drunk anymore and he’s kept his promise.
Finally, he seems to have lost all of his empathy. I broke my ankle about a month ago and he was very compassionate and caring for a few weeks, but quickly began to bring up the fact that he does everything around the house and that I’m not appreciating him enough (sexually). He seems almost annoyed at me when I get my period or if I’m in pain or sick. There have been times when I had my period or Covid and he would count the days we’ve gone without having sex and constantly remind me. He also used to care so much about his clients and the kids he defends, and now when he talks about them it feels fake-like he’s putting on a show.
My first inclination (stupidly) is to worry about him. His job requires him to defend violent abusers and worse sometimes, and I wonder if he’s become jaded as to what abuse really is. I try to speak with him and let him know he’s going down a slippery slope, but he tells me I’m exaggerating and that I “call everything abuse now.” I also wonder if the immense stress and trauma of his cases have led him to drink more.
He was such a sweet boy for three years and now I wonder if I made it all up and he’s always been this way deep down, or if his job is really affecting him. I’m pushing him to go to therapy but last time he went, he’d charm the therapist into talking about anything but his problems (like sports or video games). He doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong.
Should I rip off the bandaid and leave? I genuinely think something might be wrong with him and I don’t want to abandon him if he needs help.
TLDR: My boyfriend was the sweetest man alive for three years and has turned into dismissive, apathetic, and sometimes aggressive person after starting his stressful job.