I, 40f was talking to a friend 40f about my intention to divorce my husband 45m of 18 years after his upcoming surgery. She disagrees that I should wait to tell him my intentions. She thinks him finding out after the surgery recovery will make him feel like I stayed out of obligation. I wouldn’t say that to him, but it is true. I do care about him and he’s one of the most honorable people I’ve ever met, but these last 3 years I’ve been waiting for him to be whole enough to leave.
I have been intending to leave for quite a while, thinking I would when daughter was up and out (2020) and we could sell the house.
Covid hit and messed quite a bit up but we did get the house sold in April 22. However husband lost his job a few months before that. He hasn’t worked since. He has struggled with depression, anxiety, insomnia, ptsd and now shoulder damage that requires surgery. So his not working has been somewhat legit and he has a military income so he is contributing financially even without working. But he likely couldn’t support himself on his income in our town- he would have to move.
He has little by little, over 2 years addressed his things and now the last things are his shoulder surgery and seeing if being pain free with allow him to sleep. If so, he can maybe have a normal life. Which is great.
That being said, the damage is long done, I’m in friend mode. We’ve had sex probably 20 times in 16 months (he never seems interested). All he does is workout and watch news and play video games. I feel like I’m interrupting his life whenever I come home from work. What he wants from his life is very different than what I want from mine.
Is there really any good reason to have this conversation before the surgery and subsequent recovery? I feel like he would feel especially vulnerable if this hit him prior to his other stuff being worked out.
Also, is it really as simple as saying it’s very clear we want totally different things from life even though we have spent all of this time being kind and pleasant to each other? What is the best way to have that conversation while causing the least hurt? I do believe part of why he’s depressed and can’t find his passion for life is because he doesn’t love the life he’s in.
Friend also says I haven’t really been fair to not share my feelings through all of this and give him a chances to adjust what he was doing. But he did all the same before his issues, he was just also working then.
TL;DR Should I tell my husband I want out before or after his shoulder surgery?