I knew when we first got together that my partner of 2 years struggles with depression. Sometimes the waves are brief and manageable but this time it’s like something switched and she’s become someone I don’t know. I feel helpless, confused and extremely discouraged. I don’t know if this makes me a selfish human being but IDK how to be there for her
I understand I’m not her therapist and she’s taken medication and had/has therapy for it. She also suffers from other mental disorders that are well beyond my grasp (I’m a finance & gym bro) and for most of this year, things were on the up and up. She is an absolute gem, one-of-a-kind type people that will leave a mark on you if you cross paths with her.
I tried with my limited competencies to figure out what triggers her attacks. I know she ties her self-worth to her work, her education and her body image. Whenever one of these things seems not as secure/desirable/good as she is comfortable with she spirals. On that note, in the past few months, I think she’s been overworked (she’s in forensics so her work does come with a heavy emotional toll) and as a workaholic, she doesn’t mind going above and beyond the call of duty. However, she deals with a highly unpredictable volatile population with a team of people who are calluses to their needs and when shit hits the fan she just completely disengages from our relationship (and other important relationships in her life)
I feel helpless, I just don’t know the right things to say or do. Whenever I make an attempt it comes off as wrong and then we end up fighting over god knows what for hours on end. The net result of these fights is me being confused, her being enraged and whatever problems she had before being compounded with these new bs arguments.
I just want to hold her while she thinks this wave won’t end. I know it will, I know it always does and I know she has the character to rebound from anything.
However, I also have been going through a lot with work, family and general adulting. Being her partner and being there for her means all other aspects of my life go downhill. I’m trying to go against my gut which is to disassociate or get down myself. I don’t want to be
selfish and bring it to her attention that her spirals do f*** me up on the sidelines as well.
I am at a crossroads, as of late I’ve been taking care of myself and have overcome a lot of my struggles and have made plenty of strides on that front. Doing that while also balancing being there for her because I love her deeply and I know whatever she is going
through is beyond her control.
Idk if there are answers or if anyone can relate to this.
I feel like a terrible partner, I feel selfish, drained and inadequate.
I left our place a couple of days ago after a bs argument about nonsense. When I reach out to her I met with someone who I do not know. I have 0 idea what to do that is good for her, myself and our relationship.
TL: DR – my partner’s depressive episodes have typically resulted in me putting my needs on the back burner, and feeling absolutely horrible. I want to help her but don’t know how to, seeking help or literally anything lol
Any advice?